Gothic.net News Horror Gothic Lifestyle Fiction Movies Books and Literature Dark TV VIP Horror Professionals Professional Writing Tips Links Gothic Forum




Go Back   Gothic.net Community > Blogs > girasol

Rate this Entry

Shitheads.

Submit "Shitheads." to Digg Submit "Shitheads." to del.icio.us Submit "Shitheads." to StumbleUpon Submit "Shitheads." to Google
Posted 03-29-2009 at 04:56 AM by girasol

I am really annoyed by a multitude of things - one thing that annoyed me recently was how I felt on Saturday night. I felt outed and unwelcome at this place I only recently found out about. Its a lounge bar which is supposedly meant to be 'lesbian, transgender, bisexual and gay friendly'.

I went there to watch some of my friends from dance class do a mini burlesque performance. Well they aren't all really my friends but I love dancing and there s nobody I don't get along with. I don't talk to them in class except for when we sit in a circle and have to tell everyone our 'sexy moment' of the week. I can see how thinking about what made you feel good might push you to have at least one sexy moment or make one but I hate it being my turn in group discussions and I hate it when a bunch of people wait for me to say anything... I am great at socialising when I feel like it... Anyway, the point is - apart from that 5 minutes we are dancing and everybody goes their own way - home, work, and in my case to the pub with my friend.

When I entered hush, the music wasn't very loud and everyone was sitting at little round tables which are quite low - it was a small cosy atmosphere. So when I opened the door EVERYONE looked at me. What I saw was this: a LOT of butch women, a few couples and everyones eyes on me. Nobody really had a dress on and nobody had platform heels. I felt like a freak and searched frantically for a girl I knew would be there. I didn't see her until I was almost upset at feeling so embarassed still standing in the doorway. She had drawn on a mustach for her performance. The burlesque was great... but during the breaks and even during the show I felt as though there was nobody I could talk to.

I am paranoid and perhaps I was just beign paranoid - but I am pretty sure I got the up and down glances and I think they were probably thinking I am too straight to be there - just like cube.
I can deal with cube. Because there is music and a dancefloor and I have friends there.

But I am just angry. I am bi. I currently have a boyfriend and have had one for quite a while but that does not make any difference. I am actually more attracted to women than men. I have a lot of gay friends. I have a stripper friend and know 2 sex workers.
My relationship has been going downhill for a long time and I go out with friends to let other people into my life so that I am not smothered.

The reason why I could not say I have had any kind of meaningful relationship with girls is because they have never asked me out. I do not approach people - and I won't approach any girl unless I know there is interest. It isn't cowardice - I am careful. Careful because it seems to me that whenever I go out somewhere - there are two girls that I know don't even like each other that much... KISSING. Its like a party trick they pull out of the bag if nobody has bought them a drink - or if they have had too many and they think it is the cool thing to do.
I have fooled around with people I haven't considered dating for fun before as well but it makes me feel as though I will never be able to tell if someone really likes me or whether they are using me to climb their stupid ladder.

I am annoyed that guys egg on women making out as if it is there as some mini live porn clip, or for their viewing pleasure. Some joke. It takes the dignity out of what they are doing - which is expressing their feelings... Its terrible that a guy might be bashed by homophobes but the same phobes might grab their croth and say 'fuck yeah' if they saw women doing the same thing.

I am also annoyed at how shallow some people are. Whilst I can understand slightly - they might want to stick to themselves because they might not want single heterosexual people becoming regulars at the place - because that will attract more heterosexual people - which might cause trouble or just simply gets rids of their spot here they can hang out with people like themselves...

I probably should not care but I can't help it. I do not feel that wearing high heels, lipstick, and other makeup, dresses and skirts means that you are out there to be picked up by men - that being feminine is a terrible thing because I am obviously doing what society wants me to and tells me to do.
I don't like hair because it makes me feel unhygenic. I like high shoes because I feel slightly empowered and feel good about myself and my body when I wear flattering clothes. That is how you are meant to feel and dress to feel that way.
I do like adrogyny - but I won't be getting a short short haircut that doesn't suit me and stop wearing bras so my breasts sag quicker just to fit in with the lesbian crowd.
This probably just means that the people who made me feel unwelcome and anxious would never become my friends and I would not date them anyway.

Its just annoying and kind of odd that they feel discriminated against - yet they are quite critical of people themselves.

I won't stop going to cube. And I might even go back to hush. This time I will make sure my friends don't pike out on me and if they o I'll stay home.

shitheads.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 5505 Comments 0 Edit Tags Email Blog Entry
« Prev     Main     Next »
Total Comments 0

Comments

 

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:23 AM.