Tiny poem: Andromeda
This is my tiny contribution to the world of the written word.
Andromeda: The stars makes us feel small Is that why we hide them behind the streetlights? What do you think? |
I hope you know we have a thread just for poetry.
Oh and "the stars makes us" should be "the stars make us." |
I love you, just a little.
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It's actually very good. But if you add two syllables to the second line, it would be more melodic.
Try this instead: The stars make us feel small, pint-size Is that why we hide them behind the streetlights? |
Pint-sized is such a cliche.
The jar in rhythm there really emphasizes the words "feel small". It's a literary device, more commonly used in longer poems. Those two words are kind of the backbone of the poem, and are emphasized effectively. |
I don't know, Jillian. The way he has it written reads as 4-2-6-5 Which is like 6-6-5 when reading through. Sure, you can add two more syllables, but that seems to take away from the poem in my opinion.
EDIT: I also have to agree with Dark. Though as you know, Jillian, I don't use specific rhythm in my poem, but I do things just as Zen did to exaggerate the feeling. |
I love this site: only Goths could pick apart a 15 word poem with the intellectual power that could end wars and cure disease. :D
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Haha, then maybe it's just me, but I don't easily find the meter in the first one.
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I'll give a small bit of information: Since your poem is rather anticlimatic, I suggest you use syllabism to issue an anticlimatic poem. 6 7 8 3 Would be better, since it jars the reader, similar to Fire and Ice by Robert Frost. Still, the imagery isn't powerful enough, and the diction is poor, it needs to be revamped. |
Also, "makes" doesn't MAKE any sense, I understand you're using sibilance, and consonance (probably haphazardly), but yet again poor diction.
Feel small is cliche, it should be reworded to something fresher, and don't say like ants, or any small creature, come up with something else. The rest are fine, but master metonymy, and metaphors for more impact. Something this small should speak a good length of thought. |
I like it. Short, sweet, and meaningful.
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Or how about:
We cannot reach the Cosmic heights is that why we cover the stars in streetlights? |
I like this. Such a short poem but with great meaning. I would try to keep it simple if you do any re-writing, to turn it flowery would be a shame.
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Ok, three things
First, this is a translation from a poem I wrote in Norwegian. It seems my translation is rather poor... Second, I'm 17, and haven't got the faintest clue what metonymy is (will google it, I swear), and wouldn't over-analyzing a poem while writing it kill some of the spirit? Third, I'm a girl I'm pondering a re-write now, but all I've got is clichés... And thanks om3gag0th666, it's flattering to be taken so seriously. |
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Metonymy is the use of saying one thing but meaning something else attached, such as saying "count heads." Which means to count the people. Metonymy is much more difficult to master than metaphors in some respects, you should always strive to make poems that short powered with thought. I'd say at least 2-3 hours should go into that, if not extra. I spend anywhere from 10-20 hours on a 4 stanza poem. Most of the time no one seems to understand why I spend so much time, or why it's important to, but diction is vital. |
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I assume that's where the clarification came from? |
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Thank you Demoness for being clear where I was not :)
And just to be sure, is the phrase "to carry coal to Newcastle" a metonymy for making things more difficult than necessary? (seeing that there is quite a lot of coal in Newcastle, unless I'm long way off) I've been trying new twists on the poem, and I'll post a re-write now. just please keep in mind that this is a work-in-progress. Andromeda (II): Under the stars We all feel minute Why build streets, lights, cities if not to forget? I had an alternative re-write too, but I lost the question, and then it wasn't "Andromeda" anymore... Better or worse than the original? |
I like the original (translation) better...
Speaking of original, can you post it in the original language? I'd like to compare it. Now I speak absolutely zero Norwegian, but the aesthetics of the native words sometimes adds to the beauty of the acquired translation. |
Metonymy: a figure of speech that consists of the use of the name of one object or concept for that of another to which it is related, or of which it is a part, as “scepter” for “sovereignty,” or “the bottle” for “strong drink,” or “count heads (or noses)” for “count people.”
It's very fun to master metonyms, they are challenging, and are closely related to allegories. |
Challenging indeed... Well, I'll just read more, and try to aquire a sense of how to use them.
And off course, I will gladly post the original original Andromeda for you BlackButterfly :) Here: Stjernetåke Stjernene får oss til å virke små Er det derfor vi gjemmer dem bak gatelyktene? Hm, I've forgotten a bit of white space in the original post. Damn. |
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