i think someday i will give up and kill myself
 

i've always been suicidal

right now i'm not sad at all, but i'm sure i will still go through bad times and i'm not sure if i will be strong enough to deal this

i wish i could die right now without having to kill myself. i wish i were dead in 3, 2, 1, DEAD!

but unfortunately i'm still alive, stucked in here

i wish i would wake up in paradise and think "wow that was a really bad nightmare, but i'm glad that was not real"

You could.

Or you could go on medication and kick against the pricks.

Or you could make your reality so awesome that you wouldn't think of leaving it. It's all up to you.

The real secret to getting over suicide is first realizing that is the last thing you'll ever do and getting busy making other people's lives miserable by doing better in your own life and then realizing you really like yourself and do not want to die, because even if no one else cares, it's probably important to yourself and you love yourself.

I very much hope that you don't base any of your decisions on what people online will tell you. Unfortunately the internet is mostly full of jerks. In fact, real life is full of jerks too. BUT maybe you can find something besides other people to live for. For instance, I may go to work every day at a job I don't like, for pay that I can barely scrape by on, and see a bunch of people I couldn't care less about, but I come home every day to a happy little dog that I love. She's 11 years old, she snorts, she has bad vision, and she frequently makes a mess on my floors, but I know that if I die there will be no one else to care for her. So I live to buy dog food and pay vet bills and see her happy face. Other people live to come home and play their guitars, or to video game, or to write poetry, or dress in drag, or garden, or whatever. If you don't interact well with other people but you'd like to make a friend, maybe you could volunteer at an animal shelter - they need all the help they can get. I don't know the details of your situation, but I hope this will help. You will never please everybody, but you can try to find what makes YOU happy.

Ouch. Cold spam is cold.

Oh honey, this sort of thing isn't about things outside one's self. It is a weird maze of internal stuff, some of it comes from the outside but a lot of it has to do with inside stuff.

It's all about pain, sadly, the kind of pain happens inside a person, no one sees that stuff no one really understands when you try to talk to them about it. Even if you manage to get it out and make the mistake of talking to the wrong person, they tend to belittle it or just plain misunderstand it as they have most likely not been there, so you end up with a plethora of lame little platitudes that don't really do anything except drive the point home that your pain is somehow unacceptable, inappropriate or at least inconvenient to others.

Here's the thing. If you really want to survive this feeling, and it doesn't seem like it but it will pass eventually, live to see what your life will be like (it will probably be worth it, it certainly was for me). You find that reason, cherish it, dwell on it hold on to it as tight as you can. Live, live to find out that the pain you have worked through, waded through, that thing that weighed you down so heavily that all you wanted to do was lay your head down and never raise it again, will have passed.

This isn't easy, this isn't flippant, this shit takes serious effort, serious time, serious gumption, serious tenacity. When you feel this way living is hard, it sucks, its like wading through fucking tar all the time, every day. But it will pass, with time and patience.

I'm sure OP, you've seen some shit in your day, I'm sure it haunts you and fucks with you, but, this isn't it, this isn't the end of it. Things get better, bit by bit and day by day it will get a little better here and there. I'm not saying that everything will be ok, I'm not saying that life will be lollipops and rainbows, but I am saying that there will be a whole lot of things and people who will come into your life that will be worth it.

I don't usually post on these, they trigger the FUCK out of me, I've had to deal with this shit more than I care to go into, but there is plenty that you've yet to get to that makes all the effort, all the struggle, all the pain worth it.

I hope you're able to get help, I hope you're able to find that small, strong piece of yourself that you can hold onto when it gets this bad, because people like us have a great potential for joy because we have already dredged our way through some pretty deep pits of despair.