LIES my parents told me!
 

This is not a rant or a whine. It is a fun little thread where you can tell me something your parents lied to you about. I'll start:

My mother made us eat sandwiches with the heel (also known as the end crust) from the loaf of bread by saying "It's the most nutritous part of the loaf of bread!" I bought that for years.

What a liar! Liar, liar, Mcliarpants, Mom!

same goes for the crust in general.

My biggest parental figure lie/story came from my aunt actually, she told me all about the "toejam monster" (he eats the toes of little girls who stay up past their bedtimes, beware!) in an attempt to get me to go to sleep, it backfired, scared me shitless, and I didn't sleep for weeks. She had to make up the sock fairy (The toejam monster's arch nemesis, duh!) and convince me of her existance by sprinkling glitter all over the place before I'd even try to sleep without my shoes on, let alone actually sleep.

Oh, I love the back-fired lie! What a flaming McLiarhead!

Well, I think that all parents have,at one point or another, lied to their children when they asked the "how do babies come from?" question.

My mom used to tell me that she and dad loved each other, and that Jesus gave them a baby as a result of their prayers and their love for one another.Hehe.

i don't remember my mom ever telling us crap to get us to eat all of our food beyond the "you'll have it for breakfast" or "would you prefer an ass-wippin for desert " spiel. we weren't allowed to waste food or pick and choose what we ate. we ate what mom fixed. ALL of what mom fixed, to include any vegetables she decided we weren't getting enough of. we weren't allowed to have candy or sweets - to include sodas - except on holidays or birthdays and the occasional weekend treat.

we had oscar that lived in the attic tho. i big furry big-foot type of thing that would come down late at night to make sure we were behaving. if we were bad, he might take us back into the attic and have us for dinner. he also conspired with santa every year to make sure we had been good. and just to drive the point home, once in a while my dad would get in the attic with a wolfman mask and gloves.

Whoa! Ed, seriously ... a wolfman mask? Dude, your dad was hardcore!

My dad used to threaten every Christmas Eve that he was going to start a fire in the fireplace, so he could be sure to smoke out anyone who might be thinking about coming down the chimney that night.

Liar, Liar, fireplace not on fire!

my mom would make phonecalls to santa whenever I misbehaved....she also called the easter bunny after we got home from church on easter sundays to tell him he could come hide the eggs...

I'm just too lazy/in too much of a hurry to ever bother with taking them off or eating around them

I'm terrified of spiders, and once I was so annoying that my mum told me she was going to put a Black Widow in the bath (I'd just learned what they were).

LIAR, LIAR, KID'S A CRIER!! (I bloody well did, too. Bawled like a bitch. I'm just old enough now to see how fucking funny that actually is... :D Go on mum!)

Oh yeah ... anyone else get the "Eat everything on your plate; there are starving children in China?"

Holy Lying TV Dinners, Batman!

My cousin gave me the sex talk, she was 4 and I was 5...wtf is up with that?!

My dad told me when I was younger that spiders are my friend. LIAR!

I still haven't gotten the sex talk. But when Mom was pregnant with my little brother, she gave me a book called "Being Born" and it tells you EXACTLY what Daddy did to Mommy.

My Mom tried to protect me from knowledge of death. Like in the Lion King when Mufasa died? No, he isn't dead, little one, he's sleeping....And whenever someone would bleed in a movie? No, he spilled ketchup on himself and now he's sad.

The Lion King made no sense to me whatsover.

The biggest lie I remember was my mom saying she'd give back my evening gloves if I got a note from the Vice Principle saying I could wear them at school. When I did, she told me that she actually took them away because they were bondage clothes or something. I'm pretty sure that's a lie too, about being why she took them away. I don't doubt that doms wear them, but...

My Dad tried to encourage me (his daughter) to eat bread crusts because "they'd give me a hairy chest". I kinda just laughed at him...

I remember swimming at a public pool before I was able to read. My father told me that the last rule on the wall was "If any boys or girls pee in the pool, a giant pool monster will come out and eat them."