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New Joke thread
The old one kind of died but I think we should have one
so here we go I'll start this with some blond jokes Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter." ********************* Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese. ************************* A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." ***************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours. ***************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first." **************** A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through,covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face."Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames." ************************ A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold." "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked? "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?" The blond replied,,,,,"Two popsicles, and some coffee." AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST..... A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I"d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." the boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!" |
Is this one "Un-Censored", too? Oh well... now it is...:
-Helen Keller went to town a-ridding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it ahghrrghghhghrhthsdrgdhhrhhg -Why did Helen keller's dog run away? -You would too, if your name was Urghhhrarrghhhithrghh -What did Helen's parents do to punish her? -They re-arranged her room. -How did Helen Keller burn her ear? -She tried to answer the iron. -How did she burn her other ear? -They called back. -What was helen's favorite book? -Anything in blind. -Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? -She needs the other to moan with. |
just got this tonight...
Two buddies, Jon and John, are getting very drunk at a bar when > > suddenly John throws up all over himself. > > "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me!" > > Jon says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, > > tell your wife that someone > > threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning > > bill." > > So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. > > > > Eventually John stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a hard > > time. > > "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're > > disgusting!" > > > > Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, John says, > > "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I > > only had a cuplarrrinks. > > But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss > > couldin hold hizz liquor. > > He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning > > bill!" > > > > His wife looks in the breast pocket and says!, "But this is forty > > bucks." > > > > Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too." |
Sorry if you've heard this before:
The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst place. |
What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about these people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to these meetings where someone wants you to give over 100% How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these question. If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H A R D W O R K 8+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But: A T T I T U D E 1+20+20++9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And: B U L L S H I T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103% AND, Look how far ass kissing will take you. A S S K I S S I N G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that whilst hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top |
I fixed it
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What did the vampie say to the english teacher?
See you next period! |
A man goes to a bar at the top of a high rise. There he strikes up a conversation with a man drinking whiskeys and coke who tells him that whiskeys and coke make one light as a feather. The first fellow thinks he just means pleasantly intoxicated when the second drinker says, "Watch, I'll show you."
To the first man's horror, the other takes a running start, and, hurtling himself throught the window glass, throws himself off the building. Stunned, the new customer can only shake, hugging himself when the elevator opens and out comes his new friend, healthy as can be. "I told you so" he says, and, drinking down another whiskey and coke, once again hurtles himself through the broken glass only to re-appear in the elevator once more. "Now you try it", he says, at which point the first man has a whiskey and coke and flings himself out the window and to his death. The bartender looks at the first man and says, "Gee, you're an asshole when you drink, Superman". |
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GO SUPERMAN!! Friggin Funny.. :lol: Why do I feel Chris Reeves jokes are next.. :shock: |
I finished Fight Club this afternoon and it had one joke that cracked me up:
What would Marilyn Monroe be doing right now if she was alive? Clawing at the lid of her coffin! |
A bartender offers a guy a free drink if he can make his donkey laugh.So the guy goes over to the donkey and whispers in it's ear.The donkey laughs his ass off.
The bartender then offers the guy free drinks if he can make his donkey stop laughing.The guy walks over to the donkey and the donkey starts crying.The bartender,curious, asks the guy how he managed to make the donkey laugh and then cry. "Well, first I told him my dick was bigger than his.Then I proved it." |
<applause>
Douglas Adams knew what he was doing... http://www.reallifecomics.com/index.php?strip_id=1433 Heh. Armed and dangerous. |
You've prolly seen this before. I got it off a newsletter. It bears repeating.
The NEW Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue." Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine." |
nice jokes :lol:
I had one but it won't post right, sorry |
Awe, c'mon Mellow... y'wimp :P
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Groaner Alert:
Two guys walk into a bar..... The third one ducked. :P |
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what's the opposite of christopher reeves? christopher walken. heh. |
This one has gotten some groans, but though I'm 36, I've loved it since I was 10.
There's a shipwreck at sea, in which a rabbit that was aboard manages to make it's way to an island. There he discovers, and follows around, a group of creatures known as "Trids". One day the Trids are hanging out at the beach when a giant comes out of the ocean. Instantly, the giant begins kicking the Trids into the sea, whereupon the Trids keeping coming back for more as it is a type of game between them like a ride. The rabbit, wanting to join in on the fun, runs up to the giant and jumps up and down saying, "What about me, what about me?" The giant looks down on him and says, "Silly rabbit, kicks are for Trids". |
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Did you know Hitler was bad at knock-knock jokes? http://img229.echo.cx/img229/8414/hi...ckknock5nn.gif |
Stop me if you've heard this one...
God decides to go and give Commandments to the people of the world. So, first He goes to the Germans and says, "I have commandments!" The Germans ask what commandments are, to which God replies, "Laws to make your lives better." "Well, can you give us an example?" "Thou shalt not kill." And the Germans respond, "Not kill? You're kidding, right?" So God goes to the French and makes the same offer. The French ask for an example of a commandment, and God replies, "Thou shalt not commit adultery." The French, naturally, couldn't ever possibly follow this, so God leaves them. Then God goes to the Africans and says, "I have commandments to make your lives better." "What are commandments? Give us an example." "Thou shalt not steal." And the Africans reply, "Not steal? We're not interested." So, lastly, God goes to the Jews and says, "I have commandments." The Jews ask, "Commandments? How much do they cost?" "They're free," God replies. "Then we'll take ten!" |
You have GOT to see this:
http://theendofhumor.blogspot.com/ eheheh For liberals, hippies, democrats, socialists, punks, anarquists and the odd goth or two: I Fucked Ann Coulter in the Ass, Hard (from http://ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com/) "The Farmer’s Market on Fairfax and 3rd is a Los Angeles landmark, attracting tourists and everyday Angelinos alike, as well as many famous faces. Among the celebrities I have seen there are Muhammad Ali, Terri Garr, Tyra Banks, Laura Linney, Keenan Ivory Wayans, the guitarist for The Cult, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, and Weird Al Yankovic. But Ann Coulter is the only celebrity I’ve ever spotted at Farmer’s Market that I wound up fucking in the ass, hard. It would be fair to observe that my feeling obligated to present the list of celebrities above in roughly Black-White-Black-White order is indicative of my own carefully Liberal sensibilities. And that this sort of conscientiousness is more than a little ridiculous, on examination. But what I notice about myself only on reflection, Ann Coulter seemed to recognize and respond to in an instant, like a puma recognizes an injured giselle. For Ann Coulter is a predator. A predator with a hungry asshole. I first spotted her sitting at a table in front of The Gumbo Pot with another woman who looked not unlike her, but a generation older (I neglected to ask her at any point subsequently whether this had in fact been her mother). I vaguely recognized her—there’s always a lag time placing faces you know from cable when unconfined to a telescreen—and began to notice, stealing furtive glances up from the copy of Steinbeck I was reading, that she was eyeing me with unsettling scrutiny. The next thing I knew, her companion (mother?) had left and Coulter was standing over me, looking skeptically at my reading material. ‘The Grapes of Wrath, huh?’ ‘Yes’ I said, faking composure. ‘It’s fantastic.’ ‘It’s a fantastic primer for vacuous proto-Communists everywhere,’ she said dismissively. ‘I don’t know about that..’ She sighed. ‘I don’t have enough ink in my pen to keep a running list of what you don’t know. May I?’ She motioned to the empty chair next to me. ‘Of course.’ It would be fair to say my voice trembled a little. She sat and said nothing. Ann Coulter evidently takes an unappreciative view of small talk. That she was eager to continue antagonizing me became evident when I re-opened my recently-insulted book to resume reading. A young man passed in a t-shirt proclaiming ‘Iraq Nam’. She stopped him. ‘1. Haircut. 2. Shower. 3. Get a job, you sniveling hippy,’ she glowered. ‘You’re probably too high to remember that, so write it down--if you can write.’ He looked at her with dismay and scampered away like a kicked cat. She turned to me with bloodlust. ‘What do you think of the war: complete success, or very nearly complete success?’ she asked. ‘Well, in no time—barring the strong possibility of Civil War--we’ll have a democratically-elected anti-US Islamicist government in charge of the world’s second-largest oil reserves, so I’d have to say only very-nearly, on the complete success scale, at a hysterically distorted best.’ She showed her teeth. ‘It sounds to me like you don’t support our troops.’ ‘I think that ‘Support Our Troops’ business is the most crass, craven cowardice ever to go unquestioned by the allegedly Liberal media.’ ‘Yes? Yes?’ There was oddly growing excitement in her voice. ‘It allows the Administration to absolve itself of responsibility for its own flawed policy. It’s no different than if you sent a classroom of 2nd graders into a burning building, and when anyone objects you throw in their face that they "don’t support our 2nd graders"’ ‘Where do you live?’ ‘A few blocks away.’ ‘Take me there.’ When we got to my apartment, she looked around glumly. ‘I was thinking you’d have half-burned American flags up on the wall,’ she said, disappointed. ‘That’s ridiculous. I love my country.’ ‘Whatever you think that means,’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘Don’t you have anything nasty to say about the President?’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Like he’s an imbecile, or corrupt, or a corrupt imbecile—the usual sore-loser bitter chatter.’ ‘To be honest, I didn’t like the nasty things that were said about Clinton, and I’ve decided to have respect for the Office, no matter who holds it. I don’t think President Bush is corrupt or an imbecile anyway. Would you like something to drink?’ ‘I think maybe this was a mistake,’ she said, starting to go. ‘That’s not to say I don’t disagree strongly with many of his policies and objectives.’ She seemed to reconsider. ‘Like what?’ ‘I don’t know. Name one.’ ‘Get me a drink first.’ With every point I expressed that ran counter to a view she held, she removed one article of clothing. Soon she sat on my couch naked, gently pulling at her untrimmed pubic hair, staring intently but not quite invitingly at me. The growing hard lump in my throat was just outpaced by the one in my pants. I was a little nervous because we had agreed on the last two points—the need to reconsider the option of nuclear energy, and drilling in the Arctic—and I noticed her oversized nipples were no longer hard. Luckily, she was, by this point, determined. ‘What do you think,’ she began provocatively, ‘of the President’s plan to privatize Social Security?’ I sighed with relief; this was as sure a promise to seal the deal as her asking if I had a condom. ‘I think it’s a payoff to the Americans the President has always been most intent on pleasing: the richest 1%.’ ‘What do you mean?’ she cooed. I noticed her nipples hardening once more. She dropped to her knees in front of me. She pushed me backwards and positioned my legs up in the air. ‘A stock’s value is even now only partially tied to the actual value of any publicly traded company. But who’s going to profit from inflated valuations when stock prices swell irrationally from the forced, artificial injection of capital? Her breath was hot on my ‘taint as she lifted my scrotum. ‘Yes? Yes?’ ‘You might as well shoehorn billions of dollars into the Baseball Card market. The price of a Derek Jeter rookie will be driven up to hundreds of thousands of dollars—before the bubble bursts and the whole market crashes massively.’ It was getting hard to stay on point as she tongue-fucked my shitter vigorously. ‘Don’t..Stop!!’ her contorted mouth pled from my butthole. ‘The top 1% will sell stocks at the inflated valuations to the novice investors-by-necessity, the market will swell and crash, and the same 1% will come back and re-purchase their holdings at pennies on the dollar. Meanwhile, Social Security will go bankrupt and all the novice investors will be eating catfood for the duration of their "golden years,'’ barring a massive Federal bailout several hundred times in excess of what the Savings & Loan scandal cost us.’ She sprung up on the couch on all fours and looked over her shoulder at me. She pointed to her twitching, puckered anus. ‘See this?’ I nodded eagerly. ‘I want you to wreck it.’ I spit on my skeezer-pleaser and, prying her ass cheeks apart like a hot dinner roll, drove it home, into the biggest browneye I had ever seen. She gurgled contentedly. Every thrust of my babymaker was met with a wrenched squeal as I grabbed her by the hips and began really leaning into it. ‘Harder!’ she begged, ‘Harder!! Tell me what you think of Chomsky!’ ‘I..think..he’s..brill..iant..but..I..don’t really agree with much of his stance on Israel, and--’ ‘You’re slowing down!’ she snapped. ‘DON’T SLOW DOWN!’ I went back to punishing her asshole, giving no thought whatsoever to compassionate conservatism as her chocolate socket gnawed on my pork pipe. She was babbling now, as out of a delirious reverie. ‘Feed it,' Ann Coulter rasped. 'Feed my hungry asshole!' I buried her face in a throw pillow and she swiveled her hips back on my fuckstick with obvious appreciation. My pace quickened as my man-magma built towards eruption. ‘Wait!’ she gasped, sensing the fuse on my yogurt cannon was burning quick. ‘I want to take you ass-to-mouth!’ I withdrew from her puckerhole with an audible ‘pop’ and she scrambled around, gulping at my wang-dang-doodle as though the lives of all her loved ones hinged on her marks for enthusiasm. Her eyes rolled up pleadingly as she threw her head down again and again on my magic johnson. I knew what she wanted. ‘There is a specter haunting Europe,’ I began, and she started to convulse spasmodically with her own thrashing orgasm, her head now dribbling in a blur against my groin. I repeated every Karl Marx quote I could think of until I reached my own ‘historic inevitability’ and launched surge after surge from my hairy boda bag. I ejaculated with what seemed like enough force to blow out the back of her head--but her head was made of stronger stuff. She sputtered, gobbled and gulped what I’d have to call a very liberal, even radically so, quantity of hot splooey. Once she caught her breath, she wiped her mouth, stood, and took me by the hand. ‘Let’s go to the bathroom.’ ‘Why?’ She seemed surprised I had to ask. Her tone was that of someone reminding another of something too obvious to need mention. ‘Uh, so I can get in the tub and you can piss all over me?’ I sat in a robe and watched her as she dressed. ‘Will I see you again?’ I asked tentatively. ‘Sure,’ she said, pointing to the TV. ‘On that.’ Some moments passed. I tried to dispel the awkward silence. ‘Well, nice meeting you,’ I offered. ‘You’ve really got a gift for tedious small talk,’ she shot back. I was a little hurt and, recognizing this, she softened just a shade as she reached for her purse to leave. ‘Hey.’ ‘Yes?’ I asked. ‘Thanks for not staring at my adam’s apple.’ ‘No problem.’ She let herself out without another word, and I sat in the late afternoon silence alone. I considered how it felt to be a disposable instrument in someone’s personal debasement fantasy. All in all, it didn’t feel too bad. posted by Bachem Macuno" For those of you who read this far, here's a lame joke: A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..." :D |
A chick & a guy want to fuck. They get naked, the chick takes a look at him and says:
-You got a small dick. And he smiles and says: "Yeah, but he's a qualified technician!" And she answers: "He can be a fuckin' engineer, for all I care. It's small!!!!" I edited it a bit Giga, I hope you don't mind. So Muio and Fatima go to the market... :D |
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19. Procrastinate Now! 20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24. They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken. 25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. |
Words to live by, Skoteinh :D
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