Bicycle Repair Man
 

Narrator: This man is no ordinary man. This is Mr. F G Superman. To all appearances, he looks like any other law-abiding citizen. But Mr F G Superman has a secret identity. When trouble strikes at any time, at any place, he is ready to become... BICICLE REPAIR MAN!
(A Superman crashes his bike.)
Boy: Hey, there's a bicycle broken, up the road.
Bicycle Repair Man: (thinks) Hmmmmm. This sounds like a job for... Bicycle Repair Man. But how to change without revealig my secret identity?
Superman 1: If only Bicycle Repair Man were here!
Bicycle Repair Man: Yes, wait, I think I know where I can find him. Look over there!
Caption: FLASH!
Supermen 1-3: Bicycle Repair Man! But how?
(Bicycle Repair Man runs off.)
Superman 1: Oh look... is it a stockbroker?
Superman 2: Is it a quantity Surveyor?
Superman 3: Is it a church warden?
Supermen 1-3: NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!
Superman In Need: MY! Bicycle Repair Man! Thank goodness you've come! Look!
(Bicycle Repair Man begins repairing bike.)
Superman 2: Why, he's mending it with his own hands!
Superman 1: See how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut!
Superman In Need: Oh, Oh Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?
Bicycle Repair Man: Oh, you don't need to guv. It's all in a days work for... Bicycle Repair Man!
Supermen 1-3: Our Hero!
Narrator: Yes! whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by international communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready! (Edit)

I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I work all day
(He's a lumberjack and he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day)
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavat'ry
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea
(He cuts down trees, He eats his lunch,
He goes to the lavat'ry
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
and has butterd scones for tea)
(He's a lumberjackand he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day)
I cut down trees, I skip and jump
I love to press wild flow'rs
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars
(He cuts down trees, He skips and jumps
He loves to press wild flow'rs,
He puts on women's clothing?
and hangs around in bars?)
(He's a lumberjackand he's OK
He sleeps all night and he works all day)
I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa
(He cuts down trees,
He wears high heels........)

And

I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!!

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
 

ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt!Thppt!
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man--
FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
FRENCH GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
FRENCH GUARD #1: I didn't know we were French?
FRENCH GUARD #2: Of course, we else do you think we are talking in this ridiculous accent?

Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam....

Crunchy frog
 

The Crunchy Frog Sketch from "Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl" and
"Monty Python Live at City Cente 1974"

Inspector: 'ELLO!
Mr. Hilton: 'Ello.
Inspector: Mr. 'ilton?
Hilton: A-yes?
I: You are the sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
H: I am, yes.
I: Constable Clitoris and I are from the 'ygiene squad, and we'd like to have
a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the "Whizzo Quality
Assortment".
H: Oh, yes.
I: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue.
Now this is extremely nasty. (pause) But we can't prosecute you for that.
H: Ah, agreed.
I: Then we have number four. Number four: Crunchy Frog.
H: Yes.
I: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere?
H: Yes, a little one.
I: What sort of frog?
H: A...a *dead* frog.
I: Is it cooked?
H: No.
I: What, a RAW frog?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq,
cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in
a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and
lovingly frosted with glucose.
I: That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
H: What else?
I: Well, don't you even take the bones out?
H: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
I: Constable Clitoris et one of those!! We have to protect the public!
C: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, Sir? (exits)
I: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think there's a real
frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an almond whirl!
They're bound to expect some sort of mock frog!
H: (outraged) MOCK frog!?! We use NO artificial additives or preservatives of
ANY kind!
I: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog"
with the legend, "Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog" if you wish to avoid
prosecution!
H: What about our sales?
I: FUCK your sales! We've got to protect the public! Now what about this
one, number five, it was number five, wasn't it? Number five: Ram's
Bladder Cup. (beat) Now, what sort of confectionery is that?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram's bladder,
emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and
garnished with lark's vomit.
I: LARK'S VOMIT?!?!?
H: Correct.
I: It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit!
H: Ah, it does, at the bottom of the label, after "monosodium glutamate".
I: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it's be more appropriate if the
box bore a great red label: "WARNING: LARK'S VOMIT!!!"
H: Our sales would plummet!
I: (screaming) Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of
confectionary??!!
(the constable returns)
I: Like Praline, or, or Lime Creme, a very popular flavor, I'm lead to
understand. Or Raspberry Lite. I mean, what's this one, what's
this one? 'Ere we are: Cockroach Cluster! -- -- Anthrax Ripple!
C: MMMMWWWAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!

** For those of you watching this transcript on your terminal, the young **
** constable has just thrown up into his helmet. This is the longest **
** continuous vomit seen on Broadway since John Barrymore puked over Laertes **
** in the second act of Hamlet in 1941. **

I: (continuing) And what is this one: Spring Surprise?
H: Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety chocolate,
when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge
straight through both cheeks.
I: (stunned) Well where's the pleasure in THAT?!? If people pop a nice little
chockie into their mouth, they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced!!!
In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have
to ask you to accompany me to the station.
H: (shrugging) It's a fair cop.
I: And DON'T talk to the audience.

“ Jesus did it!!

I was hopping along, when suddenly he comes and cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next moment me livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. Look. I'm not saying that being a leper was a bowl of cherries. But it was a living. I mean, you try waving muscular suntanned limbs in people's faces demanding compassion. It's a bloody disaster!!!!”

:D

It's only a flesh wound

I fart in your general direction you english pig dog

How to defend yourself against someone armed with a banana.
 

Self-defense against Fresh Fruit from Monty Python's Flying Circus

Colonel (Graham Chapman): get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant
Major!
Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout): Right sir! Good evening, class.
All (mumbling): Good evening.
Sargeant: Where's all the others, then?
All: They're not here.
Sgt.: I can see that. What's the matter with them?
All: Dunno.
Chapman (member of class): Perhaps they've got 'flu.
Sgt.: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now,
self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last
week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who
attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(Grumbles from all)
Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.
Sgt.: What do you mean?
Jones: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.
Sgt.: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
Palin: Can't we do something else?
Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves
against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh
fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad.
When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes
after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now,
the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion
fruit...
All: We done the passion fruit.
Sgt.: What?
Chapman: We done the passion fruit.
Palin: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...
Jones: Whole and segments.
Palin: Pomegranates, greengages...
Chapman: Grapes, passion fruit...
Palin: Lemons...
Jones: Plums...
Chapman: Mangoes in syrup...
Sgt.: How about cherries?
All: We did them.
Sgt.: Red *and* black?
All: Yes!
Sgt.: All right, bananas.

(All sigh.)

Sgt.: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself
against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this
banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man
armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana;
then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now
rendered him 'elpless.
Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch.
Sgt.: Shut up.
Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.
Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.
Chapman: 'Arrison.
Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that,
that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me!
Come at me then! (Shoots him.)
Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)
Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)
Palin: You shot him!
Jones: He's dead!
Idle: He's completely dead!
Sgt.: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.
Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead.
Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.
Jones: But you told him to.
Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend
yourselves against fresh fruit.
Idle: And pointed sticks.
Sgt.: Shut up.
Palin: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?
Sgt.: Run for it.
Jones: You could stand and scream for help.
Sgt.: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.
Jones: A pineapple?
Sgt.: Where? Where?
Jones: No I just said: a pineapple.
Sgt.: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.
Jones: What, on the pineapple?
Sgt.: Where? Where?
Jones: No, I was just repeating it.
Sgt.: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the
raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you,
Mr Tin Peach.
Jones: Thompson.
Sgt.: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as
you like with it.
Jones: No.
Sgt.: Why not?
Jones: You'll shoot me.
Sgt.: I won't.
Jones: You shot Mr. Harrison.
Sgt.: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.
Idle: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.
Sgt.: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give
me Hell.
Jones: Throw the gun away.
Sgt.: I haven't got a gun.
Jones: You have.
Sgt.: Haven't.
Jones: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.
Sgt.: Oh, that gun.
Jones: Throw it away.
Sgt.: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a
gun.
Jones: You were going to shoot me!
Sgt.: I wasn't.
Jones: You were!
Sgt.: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed!
You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...

(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

Jones: Aaagh.
Sgt.: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the
16-ton weight will fall on top of him.
Palin: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?
Sgt.: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.
Palin: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?
Sgt.: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of
dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!
Idle: Like what?
Sgt.: Shootin' him?
Palin: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?
Sgt.: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then
with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.
Palin: No guns.
Sgt.: No.
Palin: No 16-ton weights.
Sgt.: No.
Idle: No pointed sticks.
Sgt.: Shut up.
Palin: No rocks up in the ceiling.
Sgt.: No.
Palin: And you won't kill us.
Sgt.: I won't.
Palin: Promise.
Sgt.: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?
Palin & Idle: Oh, all right.
Sgt.: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk
me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in
with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing
to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to --
release the tiger!

(He does so. Growls. Screams.)

Sgt.: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not
only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do
not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a
crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're
hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you.
I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so
much as makes a move we'll all go up together!
Right, right. I warned you. That's it...

(Explosion.)

Oh, man!

The script's about as funny as watching the episodes!

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Flying Sheep
 

The Ovine Aviation sketch from the first Monty Python's Flying Circus episode

(A tourist approaches a shepherd. The sounds of sheep and the outdoors
are heard.)

Tourist: Good afternoon.
Shephrd: Eh, 'tis that.
Tourist: You here on holiday?
Shephrd: Nope, I live 'ere.
Tourist: Oh, good for you. Uh...those ARE sheep aren't they?
Shephrd: Yeh.
Tourist: Hmm, thought they were. Only, what are they doing up in the trees?
Shephrd: A fair question, and one that in recent weeks 'as been much on my
mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.
Tourist: Nesting?
Shephrd: Aye.
Tourist: Like birds?
Shephrd: Exactly. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the
misappre'ension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior. Take for
a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their 'ind
legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice
that they do not so much fly as...plummet.

<Baaa baaa...flap flap flap...whoosh...Thud.>

Tourist: Yes, but why do they think they're birds?
Shephrd: Another fair question. One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a
creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the
comparatively simple act of perchin'.
<Baaa baaa...flap flap flap...whoosh...thud.>
Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their
'eads, there's no shiftin' it.
Tourist: But where did they get the idea?
Shephrd: From Harold. He's that most dangerous of creatures, a clever sheep.
'E's realized that a sheep's life consists of standin' around for a
few months and then bein' eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for
an ambitious sheep.
Tourist: Well why don't just remove Harold?
Shephrd: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds.

http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/sitface.mp3

http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/brghtsd.mp3

http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/dullugly.mp3

http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/halfabee.mp3

http://www.mwscomp.com/sounds/mp3/lumberjk.mp3


Enjoy. http://www.mwscomp.com/

Brian - "You're all individuals!"

Crowd - "YES! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS!"

Lone man in crowd - "I'm not."

Probably the dead parrot sketch for me.

"The palindrome of Bolton is Notlob!"

"Buying a Bed"
 

The "Buying a Bed" sketch from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"

Husband (Terry Jones): Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.
Mr Lambert (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.
Wife (Carol Cleveland): Thank you.
Lambert: Mr Verity!
Mr Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you, sir?
Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one
for about fifty pounds.
Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred
pounds, sir.
Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?
Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr
Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be
ten times too high.
Husband: I see.
Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?
Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.
Husband: I see. And how wide is it?
Verity: It's sixty feet wide.
Husband: Yes...
Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!
Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.
Wife: (whispers) Oh.
Husband: ...and the length?
Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the
length of the Comfidown Majorette?
Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.
Husband: Two foot long?
Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr
Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand.
Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: I see, I'm sorry.
Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in
fact sixty foot long, all right?
Husband: Yes, I see.
Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.
Husband: How much is that?
Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you
show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?
Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!
Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you
say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have
explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.
Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels,
please, hm?
Lambert: Dog kennels?
Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.
Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.
Lambert (irritated): Yes, second floor.
Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said
that...
Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?
Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying
'mattresses'.

(Lambert puts bucket on his head)

Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?
Husband: Well, yes, er...
Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!
Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?
Husband: But I mean, er...
Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!
Husband: Oh.
Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.
Husband: Oh.
Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...
Another assistant (John Cleese): (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear,
did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?
Husband: Yes, I did.
(Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)
Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green...
(Assistant joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...

(Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing;
assistant leaves.)

Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!
Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?
Lambert (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.
Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?
Lambert: Mattresses?
Husband: (relieved) Yes.
Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?
Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...
Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if
you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?
Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.

(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)

Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...
Assistant: (to Husband) We *did* ask!
(duet) ...in ancient times,
walk upon England's mountains green...

(singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)

Yet another assistant (Michael Palin): (running in)
Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert?

(Cleese points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)

Verity: *Twice*!
Other Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody
said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert -- *twice*!
(joins in the singing)

(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)

Verity: It's not working, we need more!

(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds
of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop
singing)

Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?
Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!

(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants
all groan and glare accusingly at wife)

Wife: But it's my only line!!!

Note: In the television version it was a paper bag, on the record it was a
bucket (better sound effects?)

GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO:
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
GIRL#1:
And spank me.
GIRL#2:
And me.
GIRL#3:
And me.
DINGO:
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
DINGO:
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS:
The oral sex! The oral sex!
GALAHAD:
Well, I could stay a bit longer...

Say no more !
 

Nudge Nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean! from the "Monty Python Live
at City Center" album

Man: 'Evening, squire!
Squire: (stiffly) Good evening.
Man: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean,
nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?
Squire: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
M: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?
S: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes.
M: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more,
knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?
S: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
M: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a
wink to a blind bat!
S: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?
M: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay?
(pause)
M: Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!
S: Well, I, uh....
M: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?
S: Um, she likes sport, yes!
M: I bet she does, I bet she does!
S: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.
M: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been
around a bit, been around?
S: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale.
(pause)
M: SAY NO MORE!!
M: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!
S: I wasn't going to!
M: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib?
Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay?
"Photographs, ay", he asked him knowlingly?
S: Photography?
M: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?
S: Holiday snaps, eh?
M: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know,
CANDID photography?
S: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
M: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
S: Look... are you insinuating something?
M: Oh, no, no, no...yes.
S: Well?
M: Well, you're a man of the world, squire.
S: Yes...
M: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh....
You've "done it"....
S: What do you mean?
M: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....
S: Yes....
M: What's it like?

Awwww....come on Restless!! I wanted the Black Knight one!! ;)

The Argument Clinic
 

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter


M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.


(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

Many of my favourites have already been mentioned, although there isn't much by Monty Python that isn't a favourite of mine.

Here's one I watched this morning:

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Galloping through the sward
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
And his horse Concorde
He steals from the rich
And gives to the poor
Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Riding through the night
Soon every lupin in the land
Will be in his mighty hand
He steals them from the rich
And gives them to the poor
Mr. Moore...
Mr. Moore...
Mr. Moore...

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Dum dum dum the night
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Dum de dum dum plight
He steals dum dum dum
And dum dum dum dee
Dennis dum...
Dennis dee...
Dum dum dum...

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Riding through the woods
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
With his bag of things
He gives to the poor
And he takes from the rich
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Riding through the land
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Without a merry band
He steals from the poor
And gives to the rich
Stupid bitch!

The Ballade of Sir Robin, part two

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!

He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge...

And that scene of The Meaning of Life, with the Grim Reaper

GEOFFREY:
Yes?
[pause]
Is it about the hedge?
[pause]
Look. I am awfully sorry, but--
GRIM REAPER:
I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY:
Who?
GRIM REAPER:
The Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY:
Yes, I see.
GRIM REAPER:
I am death.
GEOFFREY:
Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight, and--
ANGELA:
Who is it, darling?
GEOFFREY:
It's a 'Mr. Death' or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.
ANGELA:
Hello. Well, don't leave him hanging around outside, darling. Ask him in.
GEOFFREY:
Darling, I don't think it's quite the moment.
ANGELA:
Do come in. Come along in. Come and have a drink. Do. Come on.

GUESTS:
[mumbling]
ANGELA:
It's one of the little men from the village.
GUESTS:
[mumbling]
ANGELA:
Uh, do come in.
GUESTS:
[mumbling]
ANGELA:
Please.
GUESTS:
[mumbling]
ANGELA:
This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia...
HOWARD KATZENBERG:
Hi.
ANGELA:
...and his wife, Debbie,...
DEBBIE:
Hello there.
ANGELA:
...and these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
FIONA PORTLAND-SMYTHE:
Good evening.
ANGELA:
This is Mr. Death.
[spooky music]
Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
GEOFFREY:
Uh, yes.
HOWARD:
Mmm.
ANGELA:
Mr. Death is a reaper.
GRIM REAPER:
The Grim Reaper.
ANGELA:
Hardly surprising, in this weather. Ha ha ha.
EVERYONE:
[laughing]
HOWARD:
So, you still, uh, reap around here, do you, Mr. Death?
GRIM REAPER:
I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY:
That's about all he says.
DEBBIE:
Heh.
GEOFFREY:
There's your drink, Mr. Death.
ANGELA:
Do sit down.
DEBBIE:
We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the thir-- [gasp]
[crash]
ANGELA:
Ohh. Would you prefer white? I-- I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
JEREMY PORTLAND-SMYTHE:
The Stilton's awfully good.
GRIM REAPER:
I am not of this world.
[spooky music]
GEOFFREY:
Good Lord.
GRIM REAPER:
I am death.
DEBBIE:
Well, isn't that extraordinary? We were just talking about death only five minutes ago.
ANGELA:
Yes, we were.
HOWARD:
Mmm. Mm.
ANGELA:
You know, whether death is really the end.
DEBBIE:
As my husband, uh, Howard, here, feels, or whether there is-- and one so hates to use words like 'soul' or 'spirit', but--
JEREMY:
But what other words can one use?
GEOFFREY:
E-- exactly.
GRIM REAPER:
You do not understand.
DEBBIE:
Ah, no. Obviously not.
HOWARD:
Let me just tell you something, Mr. Death.
GRIM REAPER:
You do n--
HOWARD:
Just one moment. I'd like to express, on behalf of everybody here, what a... really unique experience this is.
JEREMY:
Hear, hear.
ANGELA:
Yes, we're so delighted, uh, that you dropped in, Mr. Death.
HOWARD:
Can I just finish, please?
DEBBIE:
Mr. Death, is there an after-life?
HOWARD:
Dear, if you could just wait, please, a moment,--
ANGELA:
Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry?
DEBBIE:
[mumbling]
HOWARD:
Angela. Angela, I'd like to just say this at this time, if I could, please. Really.
GRIM REAPER:
Be quiet!
HOWARD:
Can I just say this at this time, please?
GRIM REAPER:
Silence! I have come for you.
ANGELA:
You mean... to--
GRIM REAPER:
Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.
GEOFFREY:
Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
HOWARD:
I don't see it that way, Geoff. [sniff] Let me tell you what I think we're dealing with here: a potentially positive learning experience to get an--
GRIM REAPER:
Shut up! Shut up, you American.You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
HOWARD:
Dead?
GRIM REAPER:
Dead.
ANGELA:
All of us?
GRIM REAPER:
All of you.
GEOFFREY:
Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and--
[whock]
Ah! Oh.
GRIM REAPER:
Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous, and none of you have got any balls.
DEBBIE:
Can I ask you a question?
GRIM REAPER:
What?
DEBBIE:
How can we all have died at the same time?
[silence]
GRIM REAPER:
The salmon mousse.
GEOFFREY:
Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
ANGELA:
I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
GRIM REAPER:
Now the time has come. Follow. Follow me.
[clunk]
[bang bang bang bang bang]
GEOFFREY:
Just... testing. Sorry.
GRIM REAPER:
Follow me. Now.
[deathly music]
Come.
[eerie music]
ANGELA:
Well, the fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon, and he's normally so reliable.
RANDOM:
Stumm. Stumm.
JEREMY:
Can we keep our glasses?
RANDOM:
Mmm hmm.
FIONA:
Oh. Good idea. [hiccup]
RANDOM:
Come on.
GUESTS:
[mumbling]
HOWARD:
Okay.
GUESTS:
[mumbling]
DEBBIE:
Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse.

GUESTS:
[mumbling]
ANGELA:
Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. It really is embarrassing. I mean,...
HOWARD:
I suppose... [mumbling]
ANGELA:
...to serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death for me.
GEOFFREY:
Well, all right.
GUESTS:
[mumbling]
JEREMY:
Uh, shall we take our cars?

And the dead parrot, and Zoot and Dingo (Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot)

When they come upon the rabbit in the cave that rips them into pieces.

My rabbits idol. ;)

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition !!!
 

Graham Chapman: Trouble at mill.
Carol Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Cleveland: Pardon?
Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.
Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying.
Chapman: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent)
One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle.
Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean?
Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say
that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a
kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain (Palin) enters, flanked by
two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles (Jones) has goggles pushed over his
forehead. Cardinal Fang (Gilliam) is just Cardinal Fang)

Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
suprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two
weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our
*three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an
almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no...
*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as
fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)

Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To
Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Biggles: What?
Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Biggles: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)

Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals enter)
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um....
Ximinez: Expects...
Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Ximinez: Inquisition.
Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect -
Ximinez: Our chief weapons are...
Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Ximinez: Surprise...
Biggles: Surprise and --
Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal,
read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--'
Biggles: That's enough. (To Cleveland) Now, how do you plead?
Cleveland: We're innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')

Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!

(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover
his anger)

Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.

(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)

Ximinez: Right! How do you plead?
Cleveland: Innocent.
Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.

(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)

Biggles: I....
Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say
anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Biggles: I...
Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Biggles: Shall I...?
Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)

(Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde).

Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy
by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action --
*four* counts. Do you confess?
Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!

(JARRING CHORD)
(Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)

Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And
you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last
chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!

(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)

Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder
stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!

(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Fang's horrified face)

Fang (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?

(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)

Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!

(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)

Ximinez (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.
(aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?
Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you

Why are you dressed as a tiger?
 

Most of my favourites have been mentioned but here's one more from "The Meaning of Life":

Ainsworth: Why are you dressed as a tiger?
Rear end: Hmmm... oh... why! Why why... isn't it a lovely day today...?
Ainsworth: Answer the question.
Rear end: Oh we were just er...
Front end: Actually! We're dressed like this because... oh no that's not it.
Rear end: We did it for a lark. Part of a spree. High spirits you know. Simple as that.
Front end: Nothing more to it... [all stare.] Well *actually*... we're on a mission for British Intellingence, there's a pro-Tsarist Ashanti Chief...
Rear end: No, no.
Front end: No, no, no.
Rear end: No, no we're doing it for an advertisement...
Front end: Ah that's it, forget about the Russians. We're doing an advert for Tiger Brand Coffee.
Rear end: 'Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat, Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat'.
[Pause.]
Ainsworth: Now look...
Rear end: All right, all right. we are dressed as a tiger because he had an auntie who did it in 1839 and this is the fiftieth anniversary.
Front end: No. We're doing it for a bet.
Rear end: God told us to do it.
Front end: To tell the truth, we are completely mad. we are inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution and we escaped by making this skin out of old cereal packets...
Perkins: It doesn't matter.
Ainsworth: What?
Perkins: It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger, have they got my leg?
Ainsworth: Good thinking. Well have you?
Rear end: Actually!
Ainsworth: Yes.
Rear end: It's because we were thinking of training as taxidermists and we wanted to get a feel of it from the animal's point of view.
Ainsworth: Be quiet. Now, look we're just asking you if you have got this man's leg...
Front end: A wooden leg?
Ainsworth: No, no, a proper leg. Look he was fast asleep and someone or something came in and removed it.
Front end: Without waking him up?
Ainsworth: Yes.
Front end: I don't believe you.
Rear end: We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo, and the owner wanted to take it down to Dar Es Salaam.
Ainsworth: Shut up. Now look, have you or have you not got his leg?
Rear end: Yes.
Front end: No. No no no.
Both: No no no no no no. Nope. No.
Ainsworth: Why did you say 'yes'?
Front end: I didn't.
Ainsworth: I'm not talking to you...
Rear end: Er... er...
Ainsworth: Right! Search the thicket.
Front end: Oh come on, I mean do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at... night, steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them, tissue-type them, amputate a leg and run away with it?
Ainsworth: Search the thicket!
Front end: Oh *leg*! You're looking for a *leg*. Actually I think there is one in there somewhere. Somebody must have abandoned it here, knowing you were coming after it, and we stumbled across it actually and wondered what it was... They'll be miles away by now and I expect we'll have to take all the blame.

Mine would be the bit with Mr Creosote. It was the best bit in the book, and i read the book first, before seeing the movie.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean. [singing]
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy.
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick.

So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas.
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy, or your cock.
You can wrap it up in ribbons.
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

Oh, thank you very much.
RANDOM:
Beautiful!
[applause]
MAX:
Oh, what a frightfully witty song.
MAX'S WIFE:
Terribly clever.
GUEST #1:
Jolly good.
GUEST #1'S WIFE:
Marvellous.
[suspenseful music]


FISH #5:
Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote.

MAÎTRE D:
Ah, good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
MR. CREOSOTE:
Better.
MAÎTRE D:
Better?
MR. CREOSOTE:
Better get a bucket. I'm going to throw up.
MAÎTRE D:
Uh, Gaston! A bucket for monsieur. There you are, monsieur.
[goosh]
Merci, Gaston.
MR. CREOSOTE:
I haven't finished.
MAÎTRE D:
Oh! Pardon. Gaston! A thousand pardons, monsieur.
MR. CREOSOTE:
Uhh.
[goosh]
MAÎTRE D:
Now, zis afternoon, we have monsieur's favourite: ze jugged hare. Ze hare is very high, and ze sauce is very rich with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon, and cream. Thank you, Gaston.
MR. CREOSOTE:
There's still more.
MAÎTRE D:
Oh! Allow me. A new bucket for monsieur,...
[goosh]
...and ze cleaning woman,... and maintenant. Would monsieur care for an apéritif, or would he prefer to order straight away?
[goosh]

MR. CREOSOTE:
Oh.
MAÎTRE D:
Uh, today we have, uh, for appetizers: Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux-- that's leek tart,-- frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd-- c'est à dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It's very delicate. Very subtle.
MR. CREOSOTE:
I'll have the lot.
MAÎTRE D:
A wise choice, monsieur. And now, how would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezer in a bucket?
MR. CREOSOTE:
Yeah,... with the eggs on top.
MAÎTRE D:
But of course, avec les oeufs frites.
MR. CREOSOTE:
Yeah, and don't skimp on the pâté.
MAÎTRE D:
Oh, monsieur, I assure you, just because it is mixed up wis all ze other things, we would not dream of giving you less than ze full amount. In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. Maintenant quelque chose à boire. Something to drink, monsieur?
MR. CREOSOTE:
Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Château Latour Forty-five...
MAÎTRE D:
Forty-five.
MR. CREOSOTE:
...and a double Jeroboam of champagne.
MAÎTRE D:
Bon, and the usual brown ales?
MR. CREOSOTE:
Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I can only manage six crates today.
MAÎTRE D:
[tut tut tut tut] I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night.
MR. CREOSOTE:
Shut up!
MAÎTRE D:
D'accord. Ah! Ze new bucket and ze cleaning woman.
[goosh]

[goosh goosh goosh]
Monsieur, is there something wrong with the food?
GUEST #4:
No, the food was excellent.
MAÎTRE D:
Perhaps you're not... happy with the service?
GUEST #4:
No, no. No complaints.
GUEST #4'S WIFE:
It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.
GUEST #3:
Hmm.
GUEST #3'S WIFE:
Mm mm.
GUEST #4:
And... we... have... a... train to catch.
MAÎTRE D:
Ah.
GUEST #4'S WIFE:
Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. We have a train to catch, and I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. Ha, hm hm hm.
MAÎTRE D:
Madam?
GUEST #4:
Perhaps we should be going.
GUEST #4'S WIFE:
Oh.
MAÎTRE D:
Oh! Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much. So nice to see you, and I hope very much we will see you again very soon. Au revoir, monsieur.
[clunk]
Oh, dear. I have trodden in monsieur's bucket.
GUESTS:
[mumbling]
[slurp]
MAÎTRE D:
Another bucket for monsieur,...
[goosh]
...and perhaps a hose. M-hm.
MAX:
[retch]
MAX'S WIFE:
Oh, Max. Really!
GUEST #2:
[hiccup]

MR. CREOSOTE:
[groaning]
MAÎTRE D:
And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
MR. CREOSOTE:
Nah.
MAÎTRE D:
Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little, thin one.
MR. CREOSOTE:
No. Fuck off. I'm full.
MAÎTRE D:
Oh, sir. Hmm?
MR. CREOSOTE:
[groan]
MAÎTRE D:
It's only wafer thin.

MR. CREOSOTE:
Look. I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.
MAÎTRE D:
Oh, sir, just-- just one.
MR. CREOSOTE:
[groaning] All right. Just one.
MAÎTRE D:
Just the one, monsieur. Voilà.
MR. CREOSOTE:
[groaning]
MAÎTRE D:
Bon appétit.
MR. CREOSOTE:
[groaning]
[suspenseful music]
[music stops]

[crash]
[BOOM]
[goosh]
[goosh]
[mayhem]

MAÎTRE D:
Thank you, sir, and now, here's ze check.

Ohhh. That scene is like a car crash. It's disgusting but I still feel compelled to look...

Heh, i know. It's creepy that even after he's exploded, his heart is still beating. I also particularily like the song at the start, it's just so random and out of place in a restaraunt, that it's perfect to be in Monty Python.

The gentlemen who handshake.
Sounds gentle but it's not.

I can't pass this over any longer. Death saying "you have no balls!" in The Meaning of Life.

"You british ares so fucking pompous", is also a good phrase from that scene.

I like the Grim Reapers whole rant:

GRIM REAPER: Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
HOWARD: Dead?
GRIM REAPER: Dead.
ANGELA: All of us?
GRIM REAPER: All of you.
GEOFFREY: Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and...
GRIM REAPER: Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous, and none of you have got any balls.

You forgot to mention how the grim reapers hand was cupped like he was holding someone's balls. That adds to the humor of it.

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
 

Another classic scene from `Monty Python and the Holy Grail`

SOLDIER
Halt! Who goes there?

ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
of Camelot. King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
sovereign of all England!

Pause.

SOLDIER
Get away!

ARTHUR
I am... And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
our court at Camelot.. I must speak with your lord and master.

SOLDIER
What? Ridden on a horse?

ARTHUR
Yes!

SOLDIER
You're using coconuts!

ARTHUR
...What?

SOLDIER
You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
them together.

ARTHUR
(Scornfully)
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

SOLDIER
Where did you get the coconuts?

ARTHUR
Through ... We found them.

SOLDIER
Found them? In Mercea. The coconut's tropical!

ARTHUR
What do you mean?

SOLDIER
Well, this is a temperate zone.

ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
not strangers to our land.

SOLDIER
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR
Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

| ARTHUR
| Why not?
|
| SOLDIER
| I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
| inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
| to find a coconut under a pound.
|

ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk ...

SOLDIER
It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple
matter of weight - ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not
hold a a one pound coconut.


Classic !!!.

Sit On My Face!
 

Sit on my face! and tell me that you love me!
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you too,
I love to hear you oralise, when I'm between your thighs, you blow me awaaaaaay!

Sit on my face! and let my lips embrace you!
I'll sit on your face and then I'll love you truly, life can be fine if we both sixtynine,
If we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play, till we're blown awaaaaaay!

I have the Monty Python soundtrack! Sit on my face is also the ringtone on my mobile!

ARTHUR: Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
ARTHUR: How does it... er...
LAUNCELOT: I know not.
ARTHUR: Consult the Book of Armaments
BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments Chapter two Verses Nine to Twenty-One
ANOTHER MONK (READING FROM BIBLE): And St. Atilla raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy" and tghe Lord did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...
BROTHER MAYNARD: Skip a bit, brother...
ANOTHER MONK: ...Er... oh, yes... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt though take out the Holy Pin, then shalt though count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number though shalt count and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt though not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou they Holy Hand Grenande of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall ***** it.
ARTHUR:Right (he pulls pin out. monk blesses grenade as...)
ARTHUR: One, two, five...
GALAHAD: Three sire!
ARTHUR: Three. (Arthur throws the grenande at the rabbit, There is an explosion and cheering from the knights.
ALL KNIGHTS: Praise be to the Lord. Huzzah!

Voice over: Meanwhile, King Arthur and Bedevere, not more than a swallow's
flight away, had discovered something.

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Arthur: Who are you?
Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!
Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!
Knight of Ni: The same.
Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?
Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!
Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!
Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!
Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who
lives beyond these woods.
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!
Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" to you... if you do not appease us.
Arthur: Well what is it you want?
Knight of Ni: We want.....

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!
(dramatic minor chord)
Arthur: A *WHAT*?
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!
Arthur; No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never
pass through this wood... alive.
Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a
shrubbery.
Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.
Arthur: Of course!
Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive.
Arthur; Yes!
Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!

(music)

Arthur: O Knights of Ni. We have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
Knight of Ni: Yes, it is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
But there is one small problem....
Arthur: What is that?
Knight of Ni: We are now *no longer* the Knights Who Say "Ni"!
Other Knights of Ni: Ni! Shh! Shh!
Knight of Ni: We are now the Knights who say "Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang,
zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm".
Other Knight of Ni: Ni!
Knight of Ni: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Arthur: What is this test, o Knights of.....
Knights who 'til recently said "Ni"?
Knight of Ni: Firstly, you must find....

ANOTHER SHRUBBERY!!!
(another minor chord)
Arthur: Oh not *another* shrubbery!!
Knight of Ni: (excitedly) THEN... Then, when you have found the shrubbery,
you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly
higher, so we get the two-level effect with a little path
running down the middle.
Other Knights of Ni: A path! A path! A path! Shh, shhh. Ni! Ni!
Knight of Ni: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the
mightiest tree in the forest...
Wiiiiiithh.... A HERRING!

We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
 

ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery.
May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels
particularly. But there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say
Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
RANDOM: Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til
Recently Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you
get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must
cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it
is?
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR: What, `is'?
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not `is' -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
saying `is'.
BEDEMIR: My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL (singing): Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
ARTHUR: Oh, Robin! ROBIN: My liege! It's good to see you!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no no-- far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from--
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it
again!
KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!

Classic !!! :)

Peasant1:Most be a king.
Peasant2:How do you suppose that.
Peasant1:He hasn't got shit all over him

Are you ready Seargent?

Yes Sah!

Alright then, confuse -the- cat!

I love every single Monty Python but the one that always sticks in my mind is this one: 'My hovercraft is full of eels!' :D

roserougesang,

I love that sketch, its so funny !!!! :D

`I will not buy this record it is scratched !!!`

I actually love the introductory song at the beginning of The life of Brian. " he had arms....and legs.....and hands.....and feet..."

must be king...
how'd you know?
he hasnt got shit all over him!

AND

COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERRANT IN THE SYSTEM!!

Cheese guy-We do have Camembert.
Monty-You do! Excellent!
Cheese guy-It's a... bit runny.
Monty-Oh, I like it runny.
Cheese guy-Well, as a matter of fact, it's very runny.
Monty-No matter, no matter; hand over la fromage de la France qui s'appelle Camembert si vous plaites.
Cheese guy-I think it's runnier than you like it sir.
Monty-I don't care how extremely runny it is, hand over a little spoonful.
Cheese guy-Yes sir. Oh!!
Monty-What?
Cheese guy-The cat ate it.
Monty-I see. Gouda?
Cheese guy-No.
Monty-You do have some cheese, don't you?
Cheese guy-Yes sir, it's a cheese shop.
....
Monty-Gorgonzola?
Cheese guy-No
Monty-Parmesan?
Cheese guy-No
Monty-Mozzarella?
Cheese guy-No
....
Cheese guy-You haven't asked me about Limburguer, sir.
Monty-Is it worth it?
Cheese guy-Could be.
Monty-Ok... have you g... WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY NOISE??? Have you got any Limburguer?
Cheese guy-No
Monty-Tell me something. Do you have any cheese at all?
Cheese guy-Yes, sir.
Monty-I'm going to ask you that question once more, and if you say no, I'm going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?
Cheese guy-No.

*BANG*

:D

Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
-Two words-
"Run Away!"

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Sir Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not

---------------------------------------------------------------------

King Arthur: [after Arthur's cut off both of the Black Knight's arms] Look, you stupid Bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: *Look*!
Black Knight: It's just a flesh wound

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Gotta love the holy grail :D

I have never seen it!!:(

oh no! The holy grail's my favourite one.

I havent seen any of the flying circus

*whimper*
Speaking of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I was today offered a spare ticket to go see it with one of my campy mates... and I'm trapped in the house with no transport! Big Screen Monty Python, and I'm stuck in the bloody house unable to go to a free screening!