This one's not really doing it for me. I'm not sure why as I don't especially dislike the subject matter or the way it's written as such, it just feels a little.....cold to me. Perhaps that's intentional though?
Personally, there's one or two lines I would alter if it was my own work, they way they read and the way I want to read them have the same meaning, just slightly different wording.
Overall though, it isn't
bad, it's certainly better than a lot of teen works (I'm assuming you are quite young, correct me if I'm wrong). Keep writing, the more you do it, the better you'll get
