Interesting start. I'll say it's a damn sight better than the usual fair that's brought here.
You wrote this when you were fifteen? Impressive (what are you now, 19? 20?)
Here are my notes:
1) You clearly have a good command of the English Language, and you know the style you're aping. The problem is that I'm seeing TOO much aping in this. If you were fifteen this is understandable, and even exceptional work for that age...now, I'd tell you to quit fellating Lovecraft and come up with your own style.
2) The biggest problem with this so far is that you're putting detail in all the wrong places. You spend paragraphs waxing poetic with the worst kind of purple prose, but then our main character lives in "New York" (where in New York? New York City? Which borough? What street? Does he live in a tiny apartment on Bleeker street? Does he live in a studio on Amsterdam avenue, or is he a Brooklynite? What does he WEAR? What does he want? Why is he unhappy with being a journalist.
You've done a good job with setting the mood via diction, but you have completely glossed over any sort of character development beyond "Victorian" and wasted words on stuff that really doesn't say anything, for instance here:
Quote:
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There is a period of overwhelming, existential euphoria that men of exceptional intellect or ego enter at some interval in their lives. Unsure exactly into which division I fit, I can assure you, however, of the fact that the sin of excessive sloth was responsible, for undermining all inductive efforts on my part during such stages of self-enlightenment.
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What is this? Why is it important to note that he was "slothful" as a teenager? how does this inform his character now? How does this feed into the story? Is it important to note that he is either brilliant, and egotist, or a brilliant egotist?
Also: you blow your load early. The second I saw the figures in ice I knew what this story was about, so why should I keep reading? I need something to keep me interested, either a good character (and as of now Dante ain't doin it for me) or a compelling plot (pretty straight forward at this point) You need to BUILD the tension, you need to let us SLOWLY realize what's going on, and let the reader draw the conclusion.
Also, we need to see who this superman guy is. We need to hate him, like him or at least be intrigued by him in order to have his death mean something (for instance, what if the superman guy was a brainless male model who had no idea what was going on, OR what if he was completely aware of it, and so dedicated to this cult of art that he was willing to die for it? That's horror.)
Overall, you're a good writer, and you clearly have some talent. You need to develop your own voice, and you need to work on
character and
plot and worry less about the window-dressing. Writing is about the
implicit not the explicit, and the mark of a good writer is to be able to say a great deal with only a few simple words, as opposed to having the ability to throw a bunch of multi-syllabic prose at the reader.
All in all, keep it up dude. This isn't a bad start, but you have a long way to go.