Hmmm, interesting. Overall, I'm quite impressed. However, I agree with Des, the main character needs work. As it is right now, he is dull and lacks the ability to pull me in, to make me care about him. With a little revision, I think you could make this story much better than it is. I just don't feel anything for any of the characters really, they lack the kind of detail that would make them interesting and allow me to connect to them, I just find them forgettable. They need to be made real, human, to really make this work, I need to be able to care about what happens to them. This is much much better than a lot of things I have read recently though, you obviously have talent
