[Salò]

About three months I had a falling out with a new friend, who I met during my first semester at community college. We noticed each other at the beginning of the semester because we had similar taste in music, goth subculture, ect. I made a comment on her Wumpscut shirt and we started texting, hanging out, ect. Well we actually know a lot of the same people so it's was even better. Well coming into the second semester we didn't see each other as much and I become really stressed with working two jobs, which were at odd hours, basically night shifts till late in the night, along with school. We ended up getting coffee one afternoon and she was talking about this guy she met and how great/attractive he is. He's actually not that great from what i heard by some of my friends, who've had friends date this guy. Well anyways after hearing her raving on and on about this guy I just got really jealous. I don't know why, I mean I love her as a friend. She's like the closest thing to ever being a sister to me. I'm the black sheep of my family, who are really conservative, & christian and i happen to be this alternative fag so being around her i just felt really accepted. anyways I just ended up being an asshole to her and I really regret it. I said some of the meanest things to her, like beyond mean. I made her feel like shit and I feel extremely guilty, and feel extremely horrible for what i did. The worst part is that she won't forgive me or even talk to me. She's been abused before in past relationships, and even tried to kill herself so i can see her being defensive about this and being angry at me. She ended up changing her number and tried to get a restraining order out on me because I can't stop bothering her about this. I just feel so bad, and maybe i should be patient? maybe i should quit trying? I saw her last friday leaving the campus and ended up yelling to her that I was sorry and that I felt horrible. She looked so miserable even before I started yelling. She's scared that i might hurt her again and its really frustrating just trying to understand that.

All of my friends are tired of trying to hangout or talk to me because all i do is just sit there and look depressed. or I talk about how i feel bad, and guilty for being an asshole to her. I'm basically alienating them, and soon ill be friendless.



I just don't want to live in this world where I have qualms or quarrels with people. It's just not in my genetic makeup, or framework. I'm afraid that if i leave this unresolved then something might happen to her or me and it'll never be resolved. everybody tells me that i seriously need to quit trying, but i just don't know. i mean i can't really go out anymore because she'll be at the same places i go to and hangout with the same friends i have.
And it's not like we had a romantic relationship so why can't we just be adults and talk this problem out?


fuck, i hate myself.