[edible_eye]

i return to work tomorrow after spending a few days more than 2 weeks home with my family. i'm looking forward to punching the clock again. i'm also lamenting the fact i will be out of the daily drama that is my household. my children hold the light of the world in their smiles and every contact of our eyes fills me with love so far beyond what a man is prepared to feel, it fulfills me and makes me fearful all at once.

there is nothing to rival the sound of their laughter, feeling the warm softness of their flesh as i dig my fingers into their sides and they squirm, giggling and begging for me to stop. they're so ticklish. it's enough to bring a tear to my eye if i stop for a moment to think about the reality of life - that it all will end, the same as it ended for my parents when i and my siblings grew up and left the house. sure, we keep in touch and yes, we're still close - but the innocence and contact i share now with my children as parent and child will only grow in distance. it has to, for eventually they have to find their own way. that's life.

they have small arms, small bodies, small teeth and beautiful minds. my son is six and my daughter is five. they almost can not fit their arms around my neck and when they try, especially my daughter, i get to wrap my arms fully around them and hold them close, encase them in a bear hug. my son is a bit bigger and can get his arms fully around me. it's love, real love as true and honest as love can get. there is nothing false in their heart for they haven't been tainted by society and hatred and the trials of life as yet. they are my children and they love me for the father i am. they believe i will protect them and keep them safe and they're right. harm will never come to them while they are under my watch. it will pain me when i start to realize they are experiencing the harshness life has to offer. as their father, i never want that to darken the light of their eyes.

they run and play, most times together and when i have the chance to watch them, i see two children who know each other - know each other in a way most adult people will never know another human being. they laugh together, they cry together. they share their toys and help each other when they see the other needs it. they fight by calling each other "stupid" because they know it will hurt and they watch each other when they say it to gauge just how much damage they've inflicted. it's amazing to me when one of them realizes that they have hurt the other and says he or she is sorry. and it's more amazing to see them start playing again when the fight is done.

now, there is a new child. the kids take their turns holding her, rocking her, talking to her, kissing her and hugging her. it's refreshing to see the interest they've taken and to look at the pictures they draw for her. pictures of love. pictures signed by them, addressed to their new sister. she's a part of the family and even though i sometimes turn around and realize again - hey, there's three children in the house now - for them, it's more of a constant attempt to draw her into the family, to somehow get her attention, to one way or another - bring her into the circle of love. for them, it's like she always existed and she was always meant to be here and they do what they can to include her in everything they do.

i'm going to miss the daily drama here, like i said. i've seen what goes on day-to-day, hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute since i've been home. as a man, i feel fulfilled. as a father, i feel proud. and as a husband, i feel fairly well-loved.

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i also picked up a second job today, at boston city hospital or boston medical center, depending on who you ask. i'll be working in the emergency room with inner city clientelle, mostly victims of trauma and their families - if i understand the job description correctly. domestic abuse, sexual trauma, gunshot and stab wound victims, gang shit, child abuse, etc., etc. it's a tough crowd, but i've done it before - many years ago in east orange, n.j. i hope that my experiences at work, in some way, shape or form can help me to deal with whatever problems come up at home as time goes on - and also provide the insight to discuss real life with my kids when it comes up and they have questions, so i'm not a sugar-fluff parent when the time comes to be real.

my kids are asleep right now, small angels without a care in the world. christ, if only i could ensure they would always be so secure. but i can't and that's maybe the hardest thing for me to face as a wanna-be tough man in this harsh world - as a father. no matter how fiercely i approach the world around me, hoping to shove all trouble aside, my children will still have to face their own challenges. i love that they have the spirit to learn and to face those challenges head-on. i hate that they might be hurt along the way.