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Originally Posted by pitseleh
I have no sexuality. I haven't had any intimacy for years, and truth be told, I try to avoid thinking about sex, because it makes me want to die. The spilling of seed is nothing more than a stress-relieving physical neccessity either.
When I fantasise about girls, it's mainly innocent stuff like holding hands and being held in a long embrace that gives me the most comfort. Only rarely do I actually feel like a sexual being, most of the time I feel like an android. One thing I'm happy about, though: I've never lost the love in my heart. Though it may feel like just a frozen lump at times, I've never given up hope and allowed myself to become hard and calloused. It hurts, but I have to do it that way.
Thing is though, my best friend, whom I spend a lot of time with, is a girl. An unbelievably beautiful one at that, both outside and inside.
And... I love her. Like, it hurts when I can't see her, and I would do anything to make her happy.
Does she know this? No. I'm too afraid of ruining our friendship, which would in turn ruin me.
So... yeah. I don't know what to say. I don't even know why I said this. I just feel that someone has to represent the deprived too, even though it sometimes seems like being celibate in your mid-20's is more taboo to speak about than paedophilia. Your youth is supposed to be a time of sexual experimentation and a trial-run of more or less suitable partners, right? Well, I could never stand the thought of sex with someone I didn't love, or disappointing someone that loved me that I didn't feel the same for. I've done that before, and it felt awful.
I'm pathetic, I know... Just thought I'd share this, since I haven't shared anything meaningful on this site in like, forever.
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Holy GOD!!! That is... utterly amazing Pitseleh! I'm in the same exact boat as you. Although for a long time when I was hanging out with my best friend (who also is a girl), who you guys know as GeminiKiller, I felt the same way, I eventually got over it, and I'm glad I did. She's now like a sister to me, as well as my confidant, which really helps in bad times.
You honestly don't know how happy I feel to hear that there is someone out there who feels the same way. I learned recently that you, nor I, are pathetic at all in this thought process. We can't look at it like that. Look at it this way, in this world full of tyranny and evil, at least we really can feel like we are still good people, you know? I applaud you for your honesty, and am very glad you posted what you did.