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Old 12-07-2010, 02:28 PM   #6
Apathy's_Child
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Scene 2

SHOT CUTS TO THE NEARBY MAIN STREET, WHERE EIGHT OR NINE ZOMBIES ARE ROOTING AROUND THE TRASH CANS, LIMBS AND BENCHES, WHICH SURROUND A BUS SHELTER. ON TOP OF THIS ARE KONTAN AND DESPANAN, SITTING SIDE BY SIDE WITH THEIR KNEES DRAWN UP. THE ZOMBIES ARE SNARLING AND EVERY NOW AND AGAIN ONE OF THEM TRIES TO CLIMB THE SIDE OF THE SHELTER BEFORE FALLING BACK DOWN AND RESUMING THEIR ROOTING.

Despanan: I got one, I got one – Neil Gaiman and Nico Paffgen!

Kontan:[listlessly] Yeah, that’s a good one.

Despanan: Good? GOOD? Come on, those kids would be EPIC. [pause] You go.

Kontan: I don’t wanna.

Despanan: [pause] Rock paper scissors?

Kontan: Nah.

Despanan: C’mon Kontan. I’m doing my BEST to keep our spirits up. But you are not exactly playing ball here.

Kontan: [impatiently] Look, I’m TRYING. But these lame-ass diversions are not helping my headspace at ALL, man – in fact, they’re having the total fuckin’ opposite effect. We’ve played like fifty rounds of rock paper scissors, named every possible combination of couples who would have badass children, re-enacted the whole of the Star Wars’ trilogy line-by-line – INCLUDING Luke and Leia’s illicit kiss –

Despanan: [turning on him angrily] Goddamnit, K! That was a MOMENT OF INSANITY– we were so bored, it was that or gnaw off our own feet, and we swore we would NEVER bring it up again!

Kontan: [growing hysterical] And I haven’t, have I?! I’ve kept our filthy little secret, Desp! But there’s only so much a man can take, and I can’t carry the burden of what happened between us any longer!

Despanan: [nonplussed pause] Dude, it’s been like fifteen minutes.

Kontan: [angrily] Well that’s – ! [pauses, thinking] Really?

Despanan: Really.

Kontan: [doubtfully] No way.

Despanan: Way.

Kontan: ... Huh. Feels like I’ve been living with that for friggin’ YEARS. [they
lapse into silence. A zombie tries to climb the shelter, snarling, and Despanan kicks it off hard, thudding it to the ground as Kontan puts his chin on his knees despondently]

Kontan: This isn’t like I thought it’d be.

Despanan: [clapping him on the shoulder with a sigh] I know, guy. Me neither.

Kontan: All the ancient texts said that if we summoned the zombie god KammadinniBOOOYAH, he’d totally do our bidding. Not ONE of them mentioned the possibility that he’d break the enchanted binding circle by pulling out his junk and pissing on the chalk lines, hightail it out of your mom’s summer house, and start the cunting APOCALYPSE.

Despanan: No one could’ve seen that coming.

Kontan: Your mom did. She TOTALLY warned us it’d end in tears. [hugs knees and rests chin on forearms] Man, this sucks out loud - I wish we’d listened to her.

Despanan: [growing angry] FUCK that bitch! I do what I want!

Kontan: Okay, okay, chill. I’m just sayin’, when I imagined bringing about the end of days, I just pictured it being – cooler, y’know? Like we’d be sitting on KammadinniBOOOYAH’s shoulder pointing out people we don’t like so he could zombify them for our army of the dead. The eternal servitude and degrading enslavement of our enemies. THAT’S the kind of thing I had in mind.

Despanan: [growing nostalgic at the thought] Yeah. Like making Jilly bring me Coke mixed with the blood of union workers, and Nike shoes soaked in the sweat of Burmese orphans, WHENEVER I want. [grins] And if Jilly was bringin’ it, I’d want it a LOT. I’d spend every minute of the DAY pissing if I had to. It’d be so worth it.

Kontan: Exactly. Or having our army of the dead chase Fruitbat into an abandoned warehouse, and watching them hunt her down like a rat in a maze through videolink over a couple of beers. Oh man, that would rule so hard. [sighs moodily] I’ll be straight with you – if I’d known this’d end with us crouched on top of a bus shelter, hiding out like all the other douchebags while KammadinniBOOOYAH just tears around stomping colons without us, I’d probably have said let’s just hang out and play Final Fantasy instead.

Despanan: [impatiently] Awww, c’mon now, would you man the fuck up? Jeez, dude. Moping isn’t gonna help us. You’re totally dumping on MY mood now..

Kontan: [sarcastically] Oh, I’M sorry. I can’t imagine what’s wrong with me. Look at me, sittin’ here killin’ your buzz like a big jerk, when there’s ALL THIS to smile about. [gestures around at the scorched buildings and stray limbs]

Despanan: Oh, for the love of... Look. Just QUIT moaning like a little girl!

Kontan:[finally getting pissed off] Screw you, bitch! This is all your fault! If you hadn’t drawn the binding circle in fucking CHALK, none of this would’ve happened!

Despanan: WHAT?!

Kontan: YOU heard me! That’s the ONE THING you gotta do, and you can’t even pull together enough sense to use a cunting permanent marker?!

Despanan: Whoa, whoa! YOU’RE the one who was all “Hey, let’s raise one of the dark elders to do our bidding”, dickwad!

Kontan: Yeah, and YOU wanted KammadinniBOOOYAH! I TOLD you he was too powerful, but you said you would totally ruin his shit if he even LOOKED at you wrong! You said you knew karate!

Despanan: Fuck you, asshole!

Kontan: No! Nonono! Fuck YOU, asshole!!

THEY SCUFFLE, SLAPPING AT EACH OTHER BLINDLY AND PULLING HAIR LIKE 8 YR OLD GIRLS, MAKING THE BUS SHELTER SHAKE. HOWEVER THEY FREEZE WHEN THE SOUND OF A HUMAN VOICE IS HEARD OFFSCREEN, MEETING EACH OTHER’S GAZE IN WIDE-EYED HOPE AS THE SOUND DRAWS CLOSER.
STERNN ENTERS SWINGING

Sternn: Feckin’ Republicans! Feckin’ obese, obnoxious, abortion hatin’, English bastards! AND YE CAN SHOVE YER PROTESTANT HOODOO WHERE THE SUN DON’T SHOINE AN’ ALL!! [knocks 4 or 5 zombies aside as he tears through their midst roaring this]

APATHY AND SAYA ENTER RIGHT BEHIND HIM. APATHY PISTOL-WHIPS THREE ZOMBIES INTO TOTAL PUSSIFIED SUBMISSION WITH A SINGLE SWING IN A MOVE SO BADASS THAT CREAM OOZES FROM SAYA’S PANTIES. SHE FLICKS IT IN THE EYES OF A ZOMBIE, BLINDING IT, THEN BRANDISHES HER PEN AND STABS IT IN THE HEAD WITH A BLOOD-CURDLING WAR CRY. A SECOND ZOMBIE GRABS HER AROUND THE NECK AS IT FALLS AND THEY GRAPPLE.

Apathy: [pointing shotgun at the zombie fighting with Saya] Saya, duck!

Saya: No way! I got this one! I’m strong, and independent, and just as capable as any man!

Apathy: Dude, no one said you weren’t – but you’re fighting with a ball point pen, and I’m holding a shotgun. Would you just fucking duck already?!

Saya: Nuh-uh! Quit subjugating me!

Apathy: [sighing] Look, duck, and I’ll let you blow me for as long as you want when this is over. [she thinks about this for a second, then hits the deck so fast the zombie looks around blinking with confusion, before Apathy blows its head off. As it falls, he spits on the ground like Clint fucking Eastwood, and Kontan and Despanan erupt involuntarily into cheers. Apathy looks up in surprise as Sternn and Saya continue fighting in the background]

Apathy: Kontan and Desp! Awesome! You made it too!

Despanan: Shit, yeah! We fought our way up here after we got out of... Gnet headquarters. Figured a high vantage point was our best bet for scoping out whether anyone else got away.

Apathy: Oh, man, this is so sweet. Looks like there are gonna be TONS of survivors once we check the area properly. [frowns suddenly] Wait – you guys were in the Gnet building when the zombies first attacked?

Despanan: [caught in the lie, kicking self] Uhh, yeah. Sure.

Apathy: Really? Only we were all wondering why you guys didn’t show up at headquarters that day. We were actually talking about it right when the first couple of them came busting in.

Despanan: We were... in the bathroom.

Apathy: Right. [pause] Just the two of you?

Despanan: ... Sure.

Apathy: But dude, it was like eleven thirty when the zombies attacked. What the hell’d you been doing since nine?

Despanan: Um... talking?

Apathy: ... Talking?

Despanan: Yep.

Apathy: In the bathroom.

Despanan: [beat] Uh-huh.

Apathy: ‘Kay. [shrugs] I figured maybe you’d just, y’know, gotten stuck in traffic, then made a quick pit-stop on your way upstairs when you DID get in.

Despanan:... oh.. yeah... that would’ve made more sense.

Apathy: [shrugging] Hey, whatever, guys. Didn’t mean to pry or anything. Just... glad everyone’s okay.

Despanan: [starting defensively] We weren’t -

Apathy: [holding up hands] Hey, you don’t owe ME an explanation. I mind my own yard. What two consenting adults -

K: [blurting convulsively] I was Luke! DESP was Leia! [Despanan kicks him hard, hissing at him in a low voice]

Despanan: The fuck is WRONG with you?!

Kontan: [hissing back] I think he knows, Desp! He KNOWS about the Star Wars kiss - he’s judging me with his eyes!

Despanan: It’s all in your head! Now come ON, man, pull yourself together!

Saya: Neeeee-YAH!!! [in the foreground, Saya tackles the final zombie hard onto its back, she and Sternn having taken out the others during the conversation. However as she raises the pen to destroy its brain, it speaks with a human voice]

Zombie: Whoa, whoa! No stabbie! It’s me! I’m one of you!

Saya: Bullshit!

Zombie: No, I swear!

Apathy: [getting a proper look then whooshing over like Batman, grabbing the arm holding the pen and dragging her to her feet] Saya, don’t! He’s alive!
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs

Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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