Thread: Game Of You
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Old 01-13-2008, 01:57 AM   #9
gothicusmaximus
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,687
You can do far more than you're doing with the relationship-as-game metaphor. For the reader, a lot of things you state are already evoked by the initial association of human interaction with game of chess- we've all played strategy games before, we experience the sensation of worrying whether you're walking into a trap, switching frantically between the defensive and offensive. I'd suggest you delete everything after "and our hearts queens", then write more as though you'd already said everything you say in the omitted bit, because, in truth, you have. Perhaps extrapolate on the idea of wanting the opponent/lover to win to which you just alluded, that's interesting.
Whatever the direction in which you decide to go, this bit:

Quote:
I want to play a game,
where everything is at risk,
from our hearts to our souls.
I want to play a game, where our blood boils
and our sweat chills us.
I want to play a game,
a game of you.
Is just pure cliche and should be scrapped.
Good luck with it.
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