[Pr1aP1sm]

The thought of what I'm about to do... Well it bothers me.
Even though I've tried to stay somewhat anonymous. Any whining or bitching is an embarrassing exposure.
But I am a Fool, and my time may be finite. So be Cruel or Kind, its your reflection.

I have a friend, Who at one time was much more than just a friend. We were actually pretty damn good together. But that had its time and place. Over a decade ago, and I think we both knew we had an expiration date. It was just for then, not for ever. We didn't part on bad terms, but we never really got to grow comfortable as friends afterwards. So its been awkward at times. And it has always bothered me... deeply.
Years pasted and she had a child and finally moved to the opposite side of the country.

Now Fast Forward >> Two nights ago I'm sipping good rum with her sister and brother-in-law at their home. Listening to their Crazy Ass Drama. Then her sister gets a text message, and then makes a call. Because her sister puts everyone on speakerphone (for some reason?), A moment later I'm hearing a voice I haven't heard in years... The tones in her voice sounded older, shaky, but I knew who it was right away.
Also... there was something else... She was afraid, She sounded scared.
She proceeded to tell her sister she was in the Emergency Room, Having trouble breathing, and an elevated heart rate. They weren't sure what was wrong yet but the doctors were proposing some grim possibilities.
Her husband (who I Want to believe is a good guy, and probably IS) was at home with her child. But no family or friends.. She was alone and scared.
For some reason hearing this from her shaky voice, It just... tore me open.
I needed to maintain so I excused myself to go smoke outside, in the brutal cold, and I walked, and walked...
When I came back indoors her sister would not look at me, and asked me to sit down. I was instantly worried and refused to sit until she filled me in on what was happening. But inside I begin to feel sick. Panic. Spinning Sinking. (Lot of Rum + Deeply Suppressed Loose Ends + Immense Worry about someone I cared for, But was powerless to help) It was too much. So after finding that she was stable...the heaving began.....

The next day this friend contacted me via Facebook from the hospital. She sounded better but not out of the woods, She told me she was gonna be there a while.
Now, I spent a couple weeks in the hospital some years ago. It was horrible. Long lonely nights of solitude and pain. I didn't want that for her. I wanted soo badly to comfort her somehow. So I basically told her 'I WILL BE CHECKING ON YOU', and I never sleep anymore so You can message me anytime, even if your bored, and especially If your down and lonely.
To me, this is all I can do for her....just be there as a distant voice, someone who will listen while everyone else sleeps.
But the problem is I'm not sure if she trusts my intensions to be benevolent, or if she thinks I have other motives. She has questioned them before but that was long ago. Even though I Do know I Love her, I also know I would never, EVER do a thing to jeopardize her happiness. She's happily married, and has a son, and step family. She is in a much better place now then when she ran around with me.

Plus... I know she's not the one...
So why does it feel awkward? I may never see her again and all I want is for her not to feel alone while going through this.

I apologies for bitching. I know we all have problems.
Maybe I just needed to write it down.
Maybe I'm afraid that my caring is somehow creepy.
Maybe I'm Fucked up and should just forget about it.
But Kindness Between Friends Should Never Feel This Awkward.