[CuckooTuli]

So on Friday, I got a postcard from the collection office telling me that there was a parcel awaiting delivery. I couldn't get it over the weekend because I was in London being awesome, so I grabbed my hat to ward off the rain and pottered on down there today clutching my notification card and my ID and my proof of address. I pootle through fifteen minutes of grim grey rain, only to be informed by the bitch behind the counter that they will not release the package.

I tell her straight out: it is MAH PACKAGE. But the icy-hearted wench with the rubber stamp is unmoved by my demands for what is owed to me, telling me I can’t take it because my ID doesn’t match the name given on the delivery address.

That’s right: she wants Mr. TINY FUCKING TIM to come and collect his parcel for himself, in person.

I explain to her that it’s a nickname. She cares not, simply repeating in her dead-eyed bovine monotone that either Mr. T. Tim, or somebody with ID to that effect, will need to come and collect the package, or she can have it redelivered to my address on Saturday.

Impossible! I tell her. This weekend I’m away in Brighton being awesome. And the package is too large to fit through the door, hence its current presence in this... office (I flicked a hand magnanimously at the tiny portacabin with its peeling paint and worn carpets). My nemesis is unmoved, as is her manager after her.

The next time you feel unloved in the Gnet, Chris Morey, know that today I stood in a portacabin for nearly half an hour arguing with my bovine albatross and her dead-eyed manager while wearing a falling-to-pieces bobbled hat my friends long ago dubbed the Red Horror, in honour of the things it has both seen and had spilled into it, and telling said dickholes how I came to earn the nickname Tiny Tim on the internets by claiming book-shaped spoils in the fall-out from the Troll Wars. All for the sake of your art.

I fought valiantly, but they were total jobsworth cunts, so it’s getting redelivered on Tuesday. I hope they get dysentery.