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Cut out all the first person. Your teacher doesn't care how you feel about Twilight or about your opinion on anything, your essay should be an explanation and an exploration of the point you are trying to make, not an account of which books you like. Also, there's no evidence in the whole essay. Find some quotes and use them or your points are just conjecture. Your priorities are out of whack too IMO, the sexual nature of vampire fiction is the foremost influence on its popularity, not because we are sexually liberal but because those societies were sexually repressive, and for alienated teenagers sex is as mysterious as it was for bored 19th century housewives, the real point is the way the sexualisation of vampires has changed over time like Saya said. Cut out the first paragraph, cut out all mention of 'I' and elaborate on your points with evidence.
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