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Old 09-27-2008, 06:39 PM   #785
A Simple Poet
 
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Neverwhere
Posts: 320
'Can not' should be one word.

I'm not crazy about 'bittersweetly' there has to be a better way to convey that image. Adverbs are the scourge of good poetry.

"Silvery moon's shadow". I don't know. Aside from the subtle alliteration it seems a bit cliched to me.

Take out the two "wills" in the last line, it seems more powerful that way.

I like 'Handfasted' better than 'hand in hand', but since they are different meanings, go with what you feel is more appropriate, of course.

All that being said, the subtle alliteration in the poem is rather well crafted. It could be a blank verse sonnet if you lose one of those four line stanzas, but that's just me brainstorming ... pay it no mind. The subject matter is touching and from the heart.

Overall .... I dig it.
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