Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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Apathy: [impatiently] I’m not shooting her in the face.
DESP & KONTAN IN UNISON: Awwww!
Despanan: You shot the other zombies in the face!
Apathy: [incredulously] Dude, they were fucking undead!
Kontan: So? Ophie’s colder’n any corpse I ever saw!
Despanan: Yeah!! Good one, K! [they pause for a solemn bro-pound, then snap their attention back to Apathy expectantly]
Apathy: Quit fucking around, you two. We don’t have time for this.
Kontan: Who’s fucking around? Let’s take a vote. Hey, Sternn! Sternn! See that chick up there? [Sternn follows K’s pointing finger blearily] She thinks blowing shit up when you don’t get your way makes you a terrorist! [Sternn snaps to attention] Whatcha think we ought to do with her?
Sternn: [roaring] RIP HER FECKIN’ LUNGS OUT AND SHOVE ‘EM UP HER ARSE!! [starts shadow-boxing the wall, muttering about Uncle Toms]
Despanan: Attaboy! And Jack, come on. One more vote and we get to watch Ophie’s face smash like an egg. Whaddaya say, guy?
Jack: [shaking and sweating – starts at the sound of his name and swipes at something invisible in the air] Wait, what? Huh?
Apathy: Leave him alone, Desp. He’s working through some delirium tremens.
Jack: [edging away from Apathy warily] Dude... when did you turn into a giant beetle?
Despanan: ‘Kay, so Jack’s mentally incompetent, which means he doesn’t get a vote. Which MEANS - we gotta majority! WOOOOOO!!
Jack: [still addressing Apathy in a dazed murmur] I mean, I’m not judging... it’s not like I don’t want to hang out with you any more... I just...
Saya: [indignantly] What, so I don’t get a vote?
Apathy: There’s no VOTE! No one is getting shot in the face!
Saya: It’s because I’m a girl, isn’t it?!
Kontan: Nah, it’s because you’re a liberal hippie feminazi who spends her spare time hugging bottom-feeders and giving hand-jobs to freegans.
Saya: [outraged] I’M the Nazi?! You want to exterminate Ophie because she ANNOYS you, you fascist cockfluff!
Kontan: Yeah, well, democracy’s a bitch. [pause – adds afterthought] And so is YOUR MOM.
Apathy: [losing patience with all of them] This is not a democracy! I’m the motherfucking HERO here, and I’m telling you I am not shooting anyone in the face!
Despanan: So? How come YOU get to decide?
Apathy: Uhh, well, I’m the one with the GUN, for starters.
Despanan: Oh, what, so just because you got a shotgun you think you’re better than us? [pause] How come you’re the only one who has a gun, anyway?
Apathy: Because I’m awesome.
Despanan: Really? That’s IT? [shakes head] Man, that is the weakest plot-hole filler I ever heard.
Apathy: You got a point there, actually. However, since this is pretty much plotless mind-vomit written on the hoof, you’re stuck with whatever weapons you can find from scavenging until YOU become awesome. Now shut up for a minute, all of you. [turns back to Ophie who’s been swinging her legs and continuing to scribble, completely nonplussed, while this has been going on]So you don’t know ANYTHING about any of the others? [sighs as she shakes her head] Shit. I think we’re gonna have to go back to headquarters and check the building for survivors.
Ophie: Speak for yourself. I ain’t going back there.
Apathy: But some of them might still be trapped inside!
Ophie: ... Dude. Irredeemable bitch?
Apathy: Oh, yeah. [sighs, then shrugs] Okay. Guess we’d better get going.
Ophie: [astonished at his (admittedly impressive] dauntlessness] You’re really going back in there?
Apathy: I have to. Hero, remember? [stands tall under the weight of a hefty burden, staring dramatically into the distance at an angle that shows off his impressively chiselled jaw to its best advantage] No one else is awesome enough to pull it off. It has to be me.
Kontan: [raising hand] Does this mean WE can stay behind?
Apathy: No you can’t. You’re the comic relief. Now haul ass.
Ophie: One more thing. Vin and I escaped from the roof. And there was something up there.
Saya: You mean BESIDES the zombies?
Ophie: Yeah. I don’t know what it was. It looked... I don’t know. Kind of human, only stooped... long hair... like some sort of wild-man.
Kontan: [whispering fearfully to Desp] Oh shit! It’s KammadinniBOOYAH!
Apathy: [frowning] Human?
Ophie: I don’t know. It was human-sized, and it didn’t move like the undead, but there was just something... OFF about it.
Apathy: How big was it?
Ophie: Not that big. Kinda skinny, as a matter of fact. But still pretty freaky. It passed by right near us while we were hiding. There were these weird noises, like it was, I dunno, mumbling to itself. Nothing I could make out. [shrugs] Just a head’s up – you might wanna be careful. I think there’s something more than zombies in headquarters.
Desp: [whispering to K] See? Relax. KammadinniBOOYAH is over eight feet tall, and DEFINITELY does not qualify as skinny. We just need to chill, and keep our heads.
Apathy: Okay. Thanks for the tip, Oph.
Ophie: [no problem] No problem. It’s no secret that I find you thigh-meltingly attractive.
Apathy: [sighing indulgently as Saya hisses at Ophie like a cat] Yeah, yeah... [he moves back against the wall and exits in the same way they entered, leading the rag-tag group back into formation masterfully like a true general. Ophie resumes scribbling.]
Vin: [extinguishing the butt and realizing there’s now nothing to take her mind off the munchies] I’m HUNGRY.
Ophie: [unwraps the leash from her wrist and tosses it at Vin without looking up] There’s some cans inside. Go eat something. That ghetto booty gets skinny on me, I’m throwing it to the undead.
Vin: Man, I could eat some fried chicken.
Ophie: Sorry, kid. Beans or frankfurters.
Vin: [moodily] SUCKS. [brightening] Hey, you should write something about black people, and how they ate up all the fried chicken in the world! [again without looking up, Ophie elbows her in the face, knocking her backwards. She disappears from shot with a muffled THUMP. FADE TO BLACK.]
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All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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