[ape descendant]

Oh honey, this sort of thing isn't about things outside one's self. It is a weird maze of internal stuff, some of it comes from the outside but a lot of it has to do with inside stuff.

It's all about pain, sadly, the kind of pain happens inside a person, no one sees that stuff no one really understands when you try to talk to them about it. Even if you manage to get it out and make the mistake of talking to the wrong person, they tend to belittle it or just plain misunderstand it as they have most likely not been there, so you end up with a plethora of lame little platitudes that don't really do anything except drive the point home that your pain is somehow unacceptable, inappropriate or at least inconvenient to others.

Here's the thing. If you really want to survive this feeling, and it doesn't seem like it but it will pass eventually, live to see what your life will be like (it will probably be worth it, it certainly was for me). You find that reason, cherish it, dwell on it hold on to it as tight as you can. Live, live to find out that the pain you have worked through, waded through, that thing that weighed you down so heavily that all you wanted to do was lay your head down and never raise it again, will have passed.

This isn't easy, this isn't flippant, this shit takes serious effort, serious time, serious gumption, serious tenacity. When you feel this way living is hard, it sucks, its like wading through fucking tar all the time, every day. But it will pass, with time and patience.

I'm sure OP, you've seen some shit in your day, I'm sure it haunts you and fucks with you, but, this isn't it, this isn't the end of it. Things get better, bit by bit and day by day it will get a little better here and there. I'm not saying that everything will be ok, I'm not saying that life will be lollipops and rainbows, but I am saying that there will be a whole lot of things and people who will come into your life that will be worth it.

I don't usually post on these, they trigger the FUCK out of me, I've had to deal with this shit more than I care to go into, but there is plenty that you've yet to get to that makes all the effort, all the struggle, all the pain worth it.

I hope you're able to get help, I hope you're able to find that small, strong piece of yourself that you can hold onto when it gets this bad, because people like us have a great potential for joy because we have already dredged our way through some pretty deep pits of despair.