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Old 12-06-2010, 05:54 PM   #1
Apathy's_Child
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
Gnet in the Zombie Apocalypse (featuring the old-timers)

So, a few people done left us lately, which pisses me off as some of my favourite posters have dropped off the radar over the last couple months. Well, you know what? FUCK THEM. We’re the hard core. We can survive anything.

ANYTHING.

(Saya & Sterrn – you’re the oldest old-timers who spring to mind. Congrats, you win first cameos)

CAMERA PANS OVER A BARREN WASTE-LAND: TOTALLED BUILDINGS, SCORCHED TREES, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS. CAMERA COMES TO REST ON WHAT WAS PRESUMABLY ONCE AN ALLEYWAY, NOW LITTERED WITH BROKEN GLASS AND HUMAN LIMBS. APATHY’S CHILD ENTERS, LOOKING RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND UTTERLY FEARLESS. HE HAS HIS BACK TO THE WALL HE’S MOVING ALONG, TOTING A SAWN-OFF SHOTGUN AS HE SCOPES THE SCENE OUT WARILY. UPON SEEING THE ALLY COMPLETELY DESERTED, HE DROPS THE HAND HOLDING THE SHOTGUN TO HIS SIDE, LOOKS AROUND, AND LEAPS HEADFIRST INTO A DUMPSTER. GRUNTING SOUNDS ARE HEARD AND HE EMERGES A FEW SECONDS LATER, WIELDING HALF A MOLDY BIG-MAC WITH AN AIR OF VICTORY.

Apathy’s Child: HAHAHAHA!! Oh SURE, there’s no food supply left, Apathy –we gotta get out of the CITY, Apathy! SUCK IT, bitchezz! [tears into Big-Mac voraciously, speaking through a mouthful] Home is TOTALLY where the heart is.

APATHY LOOKS UP QUICKLY AS SOUNDS ARE HEARD OFFSCREEN. HE GIVES THE HALF-BIG MAC ONE LAST MEANINGFUL, WINSOME LOOK LIKE A LOVER HE’LL NEVER SEE AGAIN BEFORE DROPPING IT AND SNAPPING TO ATTENTION, POINTING THE SHOTGUN TOWARD THE SOUNDS. HE PEERS SUSPICIOUSLY OVER THE RIM OF THE DUMPSTER AS SAYA ENTERS.

Apathy’s Child:... Saya?

Saya: [looking around until she finally sees him] Oh my god, Apathy! You’re alive! [he climbs out of the dumpster and she runs over and, understandably, falls on him and starts rubbing against him suggestively] I thought you were DEAD! The way you courageously compromised your own safety to lead that group of zombies away from the rest of us –

Apathy’s Child: [extricating himself manfully from her adoring grasp] Now, now – you know it makes me uncomfortable when people remind me of the magnitude of my own courage. It’s a pet peeve of mine; please, try to respect it.

Saya: [firmly undeterred] But you’re a hero!

Apathy’s Child: [tossing head] Well, that’s undeniable. But I’m also a deeply modest man, and you’re embarrassing me. [firmly] Now, please, try to refrain from talking so much about how I basically saved the lives of everyone in Gnet when its headquarters were besieged by undead.

Saya: [stepping towards him with a look of intent] Apathy... there’s something I need to tell you.

Apathy’s Child: [putting a finger to her lips firmly as the atmosphere thickens] Saya, I know what you’re going to say. And believe me, you’re far from the first woman to say it. But the undead are increasing in number, and there’s a good chance many of the Gnet old-timers are already dead. I’m sorry, I truly am, but I don’t have time to plow you right now.

Saya: But...!

Apathy’s Child: [strictly] I’m SORRY. [pause] Maybe when this is over, we could... you know. Although I should warn you that I don’t like to kiss on the mouth. Although I DO like to hit my sexual partners in the face and call them filthy fuckin’ whores while I fill them with my liquid redemption.

Saya:...

Apathy’s Child: I’d also appreciate it if you could wear something made of leather. Y’know, boots, gloves, mini-dress... shit, I ain’t no tyrant. It’s totally up to you. I’m ALL for wimmins bein’ independent and all that jazz.

Saya: Oh, thank you, master! [drops to the ground and licks his feet passionately. Stops suddenly when a terrible crashing is heard offstage and leaps up fearfully, cowering behind the manly fortress of protection provided by the Adonis-like brick shithouse that is Apathy’s physique, as the sounds grow closer]

ENTER STERRN, WHO, BEING IRISH, IS NATURALLY DRUNK FOR NO REASON.

Sterrn: Sure, bejibbers and bejabbers! Where’s me Oirish cream, I’ve a terrible hankerin’!

Saya: Sternn? Oh my god, it’s Sternn! He’s still alive!

Apathy’s Child: Sterrn, did you get... MORE Irish?

Sterrn: [swivelling bleary but furious eyes around] How dare ye! I’ve always bin a Paddy troo an’ troo! Ye troi’in to say I weren’t always Oirish? Ye BASTARD!! [takes a swing at thin air; spins in a circle and falls over]

Saya: ... ‘Kay, but seriously, dude – DID you? Only, you know – when you start pronouncing Irish, “Oirish”... I’m just sayin’.

Sterrn: [still sitting on the ground, getting worked up] Sure I got more Orisih. Had to, didn’t I? The zombies slaughtered all me people! There’s no one else to carry the flag for the poor ol’ Emerald Isle now! [gets to feet unsteadily, muttering] Zombies. Worse than the feckin’ English.

Saya:... Dude. Aren’t you from the States?

Sternn: [turning on her with a roar] HOW DARE YE!

Saya: [nonplussed] Right... but AREN’T you?

Sternn: ... Oh, just feck off. [plops down on ass moodily and starts sketching a four-leaf clover in the dirt with a stick] Sure, there’s only one place ye can be truly Oirish, an’ that’s in HERE! [strikes own chest hard enough to make the other two wince, and Apathy pulls his hand away compassionately, trying to pull the dead weight to its feet]

Apathy’s Child: Dude, c’mon – you’d better come with us.

Sternn: [laughing crazily] With YE! Oh, that’s a great one, sure!

Apathy’s Child: I’m serious, man. The undead are all around us. They could be anywhere. Safety in numbers, right? [looks to Saya for confirmation and is forced to remove her agreeing hand from his ass]

Sterrn: [taking random swings at nothing, still sitting on his ass on the ground] Get your feckin’ imperialist hands off me! Ye can take our loives, but ye’ll never take out freedom!

Saya: Dude, that’s Braveheart. That’s a TOTALLY different country. 'Sides which, no one's TOUCHING you.

Sterrn: [giving her an extremely adamant and Irish finger accompanied by a baleful glare] FECK YE, YE MUFF-DOIVIN’ BITCH!!

Saya: [indignantly] What, so attention to detail equals lesbianism?! Why you misogynistic, heterocentric –

Apathy’s Child: [ever the peacemaker] Now, now, Sterrn – that statement was both presumptuous and offensive. Just because a woman has an opinion of her own, doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy taking a rod so far down her throat she’d choke if she weren’t too busy making sure YOU’RE enjoying the experience.

Saya: [with a grateful stare at Apathy] I am SO hot for you right now.

Apathy’s Child: [with a magnanimous sigh] I know, baby. But PLEASE, give me a minute. I’m try’na save the world here.

Saya: [nodding bravely, her eyes brightening with tears of sexual frustration] I know. But you’re just so damn HARD to resist sometimes...

Apathy’s Child: [guiltily] I don’t mean to be. I swear, it’s not deliberate, the way I exude irresistibility.

AC’S UNIFYING MESSAGE OF PEACE IS INTERRUPTED BY ZOMBIE GROANS OFFSCREEN, BUT CLOSE BY. HE AND SAYA RAISE THEIR EYES SLOWLY TOWARDS THE OMINOUS SOUNDS WHILE STERRN CONTINUES TO TAKE UNCOORDINATED SWINGS AT THIN AIR FROM HIS SITTING POSITION ON THE GROUND.

Sterrn: Feckin’ English bastards!!

Apathy’s Child: [to Saya] You armed?

Saya: Sorta - I’ve got this [produces pen from shirt pocket].

Apathy’s Child: ...

Saya: It’s okay, I’m limber. I’ve got your back.

Apathy’s Child: [raising eyes doubtfully from the pen] You sure?

Saya: [bravely] Don’t worry about me. Got you covered. The question is, what do we do about HIM. [nods at Sterrn, who’s still grappling with thin air while grunting about abortion laws and faith schools]

Apathy’s Child: ... I’ve got an idea. [to the poor unfortunate on the ground] Hey, Sterrn! Sterrn! We’re on a protest march, Sterrn! We gotta fight The Man!

Sterrn: [with a very Irish perversity, suddenly stops fighting oxygen and goes slack] Nooo! I’m TOIRED OUT! The English have won. They’ve already tekken me poor auld Emerald Isle. I can’t fight them any more... these auld bones are givin’ out under me... [lies down hard with a THUNK, sighing dramatically]

Apathy’s Child: No, Sterrn, you don’t get it, dude. These guys ain’t no English. These are REPUBLICANS.

STERRN’S EYES SNAP OPEN WHERE HE’S LYING ON THE GROUND.

Apathy’s Child: [whispering] REPUBLICANS, Sterrn.

STERRN LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND CHARGES OFFSTAGE TOWARD THE ZOMBIES WITH A JOYFUL WAR-CRY.

tbc
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs

Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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