[Apathy's_Child]

KONTAN AND DESP ARE FINALLY JOLTED TO A STOP WHEN THEIR BACKS HIT THE WALL. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER SWALLOWING AS THE GROUP HALT IN FRONT OF THEM, LOOKING SEVERELY PISSED.

Kontan: [awkwardly, sweating slightly and licking his lips] So... uh... whatchoo guys wanna do now?

Apathy: [holding the gun trained on them, eyes narrowed dangerously] Oh, believe me – you don’t wanna know. [camera gives the fans what they want and pans over him in a gratuitous caress of his imposing figure]

Desp: Look. Guys. [points at them with a stupid grin] You mad. [K elbows him approvingly, ushering him to continue] We get it. But –

Jack: Mad don’t even begin to cover it, you motherfucking can-eating sacks of shit! Do you KNOW how a comedown feels? Did you ever party hard enough to wake up with a real BITCH of a come-down, and a hangover to boot?! The suffering in body and mind, the self-loathing shame, the empty HORROR of it all? [losing his shit and roaring] And you make me wake up with one of those things in the MOTHERFUCKING APOCALYPSE?!

Desp: Nobody could’ve foreseen that.

Jack: Oh yeah? Well you FORESEE see this? [flinging an arm toward them where it points, tensed and trembling hard] You see those shakes? I can feel that in my BALLS, you goddamn turncoat CUNTS! [he punches the wall with a long howl of rage, shadow-boxing it in a state of impotent incandescence, delirium tremens still visibly shaking him now and again. Apathy hands him the flask, giving him a sage look of understanding, and he quiets to a low stream of curses as he fumbles with the lid. Apathy looks hella sexy and is rocking that Matrix leather coat Goku gave him; rugged, yet elegant. Testosterone is etched into every line of his body – both the fluid lines that run like rainwater, and the hard-edged corners, pleasingly placed, that promise pure muscle beneath]

Apathy: Okay, okay. Take a break or you’re gonna hit someone in the eye with that thing. [gestures to the vein throbbing in Jack’s temple. Saya rubs his shoulder comfortingly and he slumps against her as he finally gets the lid off ]

Kontan: Okay. Let’s all just... step back, and take a moment. [steps back carefully, hands held up in surrender] Let’s just calm down and get the sand out of our vaginas now. [faces them] Look, I really think that if you guys consider this, you’ll see that you’re after the wrong guys. Desp and I just wanted a dark elder of our own, you know? [giving it some innocent puppy eyes] We weren’t gonna DO anything. Just, like, take it over to the park and ride on its back to scare the kids. That’s ALL. I swear. [elbowing] Right, Desp?

Desp: Sure. [bobs head] It’s not like we were going to charge around smiting our enemies in a magnificent orgy of blood and death or anything... [drifts off wistfully]

Kontan: [speaking quickly as the group’s faces darken] This was a MISTAKE. We KNOW that. We didn’t mean to do it. We just... fucked up.

Apathy: [still pointing the gun at them] Quit trying to pacify our asses, because you really did.

Kontan: I mean it. We want to fix it.

Desp: [perking up] Yeah, man. I can TOTALLY kill Jilly.

Kontan: [earnestly] We’ll make it right.

Desp: [growling with pleasure] Oh, SO right – UH! [makes a stabbing motion with the BBQ prong, then goes into an impromptu fencing routine, jabbing at the air with one arm held aloft behind him] When you think about it, Jilly’s the real asshole here. Okay – so we ACCIDENTALLY opened up a portal to Blueblood. But we didn’t MEAN to end the world. Jilly, though, he actually let the zombies IN. Everybody who died in here, died because of HIM .

Apathy: [snatching the prong from him angrily] And the others? It’s not just the building, Desp. It’s the whole CITY.

Desp: Yeah, but ours was an accident. His was on PURPOSE.

Jack: At least Jilly’s INSANE! THAT poor bastard can’t help it! YOU two damn sure should’ve known better! You raised a fucking ZOMBIE GOD and ended the world![shakes head in disgust] Why in the name of FUCK would you do something that dumb?

KONTAN AND DESP LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER, SHRUGGING.

Kontan: [chewing on a knuckle sheepishly] I’unno.

Desp: [frowning, confused himself] For the lulz?

Saya: [deposits Jack, who has now drained the flask and is lolling contentedly, onto the floor where he lands with a thunk] Apathy. [draws him off to one side] We need to talk.

Apathy: [as her hand trails over his chest lustfully] Saya. [removes it firmly]

Saya: [putting it back at her side as though catching herself] Oh. Sorry. No you’re right, I need to – where was I? [thinks] Oh yeah. [leans in firmly, speaking in a low, tense voice] Apathy. You have GOT to let me kill them. I mean it. They’re a liability. LOOK at them. [Kontan and Desp are now humming the pounding beat to Eye of the Tiger under their breath, giggling and shushing each other like schoolgirls when Sternn glares at them like a sleeping bear they’ve kicked or something] They have no idea of the damage they’ve caused.

Apathy: [shrugs]You want to murder them?

Saya:[with an incredulous "duh" look] YES!

Apathy: Well – [thinks but comes up with nothing] You can’t.

Saya: [glaring] No! No way! You are not gonna pussy out of this. If you won’t do it for survival, do it for narrative structure! Your whole storyline will come apart if you let such a glaring plot-hole as your failure to kill the people who started this! There’ll be no realism! It will be an orgy of bad fantasy on the business end of the Stephanie Meyer spectrum –

Apathy: [quietly] Realism? [laughs sadly] Open your eyes, Saya. This story was never about realism. We have you, a woman, second only to ME in the kick-ass undead body count category. And every other person is a man. You think a woman could be my right hand if I were trying to write a realistic world? [sighs] I’m sorry. I hoped I would never have to tell you the truth.

Saya: [dreamily] I’d LOVE to be your right hand. [snaps back and double-takes in shock] Wait – what are you saying? You’re saying the reason my vagina doesn’t render me useless is... [eyes brim with tears as the full weight of the revelation hits her] your magnanimity as a storyteller?

Apathy: Exactly. I’m a storyteller who’s a friend to the ladies. [grabs her and shakes her gently by the upper arms] No, no, don’t feel bad! I LOVE women! Some of my best FRIENDS are women, and they often say things worthy of a masculine mind! Sometimes you wouldn’t even KNOW they come attached to a leaking gaping chasm that bleeds for DAYS ON END and still doesn’t die -

Jack: [becoming horrified, swatting drunkenly at the air with shakes wracking his body as Saya breaks down] Oh god... what if there’s nothing inside? What if there’s NOTHING?

Apathy: [trying to ignore Jack and Desp & K’s singing] Saya -

Saya: NO! Don’t look at me! [flings her arms heavenward dramatically and raises her eyes, tears streaming down her face] Germaine – I’ve failed you... GerMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE!!

Kontan: [stops singing to stare at her, nonplussed] Dude. What’s with the Jesus pose?

Saya: [snapping from her grief pose to an enraged kung-fu stance] Fuck you, bitch!! This is all your fault!

Desp: YEAH. [as an afterthought] Asshole.

Apathy: Saya, calm down!

Saya: But he –

[Saya gibbers indignantly as Apathy tugs at the arm holding the kitchen knife, finally wrestling it off her. She tries for it once, then calms a little]
Apathy: Come on. Everything’s cool.

Saya: Sorry. I’m just so – [huffs furiously, glaring at Desp & K]

Apathy: I know. It’s okay. Freud located the womb as the site of hysteria. You can’t help it. In fact, most of the time you do very well, considering your natural disadvantages.

Saya: I just... I can’t believe that all my badassery comes from you deciding to write a woman who could fight. I thought it could be done fair and square, you know? That a woman really COULD be that tough.

Apathy: You couldn’t have known. You’re raised on fairy tales and Jane Austen novels and that evil Bridget Jones’ Diary crap. Of COURSE you believe it. That doesn’t matter. You’re still [importantly] an excellent woman.

Saya: [rubbing her eyes] No, I feel so stupid. I SHOULD have known it wasn’t possible – a woman, taking out more zombies than four men! [laughs harshly]
Apathy: Saya – come on. We need to go. This is still happening. You’re still the most badass fighter I’ve got, even if that IS totally unrealistic. Like, HEROICALLY unrealistic. [shakes head in wonder] I need you in this.

Saya: You really mean that?

Apathy: Absolutely. I know most people would think that’s a retarded thing to say to a chick, but what do I care? I’m an artist, right? We’re supposed to be eccentric.

Saya: If you were a GOOD artist, you’d let me kill them, bitch. [points at Desp & K who look up in alarm]

Apathy: No one’s getting killed. [sighs as Desp & K break into cheers]

Kontan: Sweeeet! [they bro-pound]

Apathy: Listen up. No more betrayals. No more holding out on one another. The next person to fuck up in any way wins a headshot. The next person to BETRAY us [glares at D & K] gets their scrote pulled until the sack reaches around their neck, balls stuck in their mouth, and a motherfucking boot over the back of the head on the kerb. Saya, you ready?

Saya: [ruefully] You kidding? I was literally created ready.

Apathy: Okay. We’re going up to the roof to find Jilly. We kill him, we throw him through the portal, we get out. Jack. [nudges him with a foot – he stirs] Up. [Jack climbs blearily to his feet] Let’s move out. You two, stay where I can see you.

Apathy waves Desp & K out with the gun, then leads the others out of the brain room.