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Old 12-08-2010, 09:03 AM   #20
Apathy's_Child
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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Part 3

Saya: Apathy, I’m the first to admit you’re both jaw-droppingly beautiful and always right about everything, but – he’s fucking GREEN!

Apathy: I know! LOOK at him. Don’t you recognize him?

THEY ALL LOOK AT THE GREEN-FACED ZOMBIE AS HE SUDDENLY FLIPS HIS HEAD OVER ONE SIDE AND COUGHS UP BLOOD, HACKING LIKE PARIS HILTON IN THAT ONE EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK. SAYA’S EYES WIDEN IN ASTONISHMENT.

Saya: JACK?!

Jack: The one and only. [finishes hacking with a slavering sound like a blocked u-bend] Oh, man... I feel like crap – holy FUCK, the undead know how to party! I haven’t slept in like four days!

Apathy: You look... wow.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, tell me about it. I don’t even wanna THINK about the shit I’ve put inside this piece of junk [thumps own chest] since the undead took over. [looks around hopefully] Anyone got any drugs?

Apathy: Dude. You’re DECOMPOSING.

Jack: Guess not. [sighs] Booze?

Saya: [disapprovingly] BOOZE? Jack, your fucking face is falling off!

Jack: [defensively] So? Doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a lil’ sip o’ somethin’...

Apathy: You’re GREEN! I’m not even being metaphorical or anything, you are literally GREEN!

Jack: Jeez, all right already! Look, if you’re gonna be a dick about it, at LEAST quit holding out on me, huh? I know goddamn well you’re packing, now spread the wealth.

Apathy: [lets out a defeated sigh of frustration – pulls out a hip flask and hands it to Jack] DON’T drink it all.

Jack: [glugging as quickly as he can] It’s my body! You mind your own goddamn business!

Apathy: Fuck your body, it’s MY whiskey! GIVE IT! [grabs the flask back and drains the rest before tossing the dregs to Sternn, who, being Irish, is practically begging for it like a dog] So, spill – how the fuck did you end up hanging out with the undead?

Jack: Well, it’s kind of a blur. I was already drunk that morning when they showed up at headquarters... my grandma’s eightieth birthday the night before, remember? [shakes head] Lemme tell ya, you think I can hold a drink, you wanna see HER in action. It sure is something to behold when she gets her party head on. She’s fucking magnificent. I felt like a pig shat on my head the next morning.

Saya: [remembering] THAT’S right! You walked straight in to headquarters looking like shit, threw up in the corner of the room, tossed all the jackets in a big pile and went to sleep!

Jack: Yeah. And when I woke up, you guys had all disappeared – oh yeah, thanks for the wake-up call, by the way - and there were goddamn zombies all around me. And limbs. Lots of limbs.

Apathy: Any idea who’s dead and who’s not?

Jack: I dunno, man. Mostly just a hand here, half a leg there, that kinda shit. Oh, I AM pretty sure I saw Catch’s head rolling around, though.

THEY PAUSE SOBERLY FOR A MOMENT, THEN SHRUG AS ONE AND CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION AS THOUGH NOTHING HAPPENED.

Saya: So what did you do?

Jack: Shit, there wasn’t much I could do. I managed to get up, but I was WAY too hungover to run, so I just kinda staggered over towards the door. They didn’t exactly chase me, though. They just sorta... staggered WITH me. I think I must have looked so godawful, they just figured me for one of them.

Apathy: So you’ve just been hanging out with them ever since?

Jack: [shrugging] Hey, I figured it beat getting my entrails eaten.

Apathy: ... Fair enough. [looks around at them all, exuding the tense, manly authority of a really shit-hot spy] We better get moving. It’ll be dark soon. We’ll need to find somewhere safe to hole up for the night, then tomorrow we start searching for other survivors. [leads the way offstage, cutting an eminently dashing figure, as the others follow in obedient awe. Despanan and Kontan are last]

Despanan: [whispering] Okay, just let ME do all the talking.

Kontan: [whispering back indignantly] Then stop making it sound like we’re secretly humping!

Despanan: [rolling eyes] Oh, great. Homophobia – real nice, K.

Kontan: It’s nothing to do with homophobia – you’re making us sound like fuckin’ WEIRDOS! Gay OR straight, who the hell spends two and a half hours screwing in the TOILETS, in their place of WORK, at nine in the friggin’ morning?!

Despanan: Fuck you, asshole!

Kontan: Fuck YOU, asshole!!

THEY FLAIL AT EACH OTHER LIKE 8 YR OLD GIRLS AGAIN FOR A FEW SECONDS, THEN FOLLOW THE OTHERS.

Funny how people are commenting in more or less the same order they're appearing - coincidence only.
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All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs

Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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