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allyssa · 08-08-2010, 08:51 AM

I like the concept of the shadow and how it creates an opening for all things
but you limit it to red...perhaps as time goes on their will be more to add within the shadow.

also, i think the poem needs more line breaks. it would be better if it ran faster like a stream it is a bit clunky and line breaks are a way to change the entire pace of the poem. more breaks the faster the poem is, the start is good but the middle should run faster. when you break a line the important words and images should make the first and last word because they will be emphasized and the reader will linger on those images

08-08-2010, 08:51 AM	#4
allyssa Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: victoria british columbia Posts: 112	I like the concept of the shadow and how it creates an opening for all things but you limit it to red...perhaps as time goes on their will be more to add within the shadow. also, i think the poem needs more line breaks. it would be better if it ran faster like a stream it is a bit clunky and line breaks are a way to change the entire pace of the poem. more breaks the faster the poem is, the start is good but the middle should run faster. when you break a line the important words and images should make the first and last word because they will be emphasized and the reader will linger on those images