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Old 03-22-2010, 11:36 AM   #26
Ben Lahnger
 
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Lethe, the reports that were circulating the legitimate news sources (like Yahoo!) were that the Pope forgave the offending priest. The humor in the Onion story is forgiving the victims for causing temptation. LOL!

Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care

Computer Company Started In Garage 30 Years Ago Now In Smaller Garage

Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census

Letters To The Editor:

Dear The Onion,
Thanks for keeping the whole DUI/stripper incident on the DL and off the front page. I owe you one.

— J. Biden, Washington, D.C.

Dear The Onion,
My husband's in jail. He's going to be there for at least six more years. Pretty cool, huh?

— Linda Tegart, New Albany, IN

Dear The Onion,
Do you know if there is any way for readers to get messages to the editors? Thanks.

— Kyle McNulty, Short Hills, NJ

LMAO!!!!
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Old 03-29-2010, 04:35 PM   #27
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Did you see this one yet, Ben?

Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis
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Old 03-30-2010, 03:49 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saya View Post
Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! Thanks, Saya, I missed that one. Hilarious!

How about this one:

If You Put Your Mind To It You Can Believe Anything
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:30 AM   #29
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This is priceless:

U.S. Government: We Have Not Forgotten About Olala Win Robben

WASHINGTON—High-ranking intelligence officials said Monday that the military was still aggressively pursuing notorious terrorist Osaka Binn Rogen, declaring that they had not forgotten about bringing the leader of the Al Hydra network to justice.

U.S. Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates assured citizens that American forces were actively hunting down Osaka Binn Rogen, and asserted that locating the mastermind behind the tragic 19-11 attacks is as pressing now as it was when their search first began, six or 10 years ago or however long it's been.

"This homicidal madman committed terrible atrocities against the American people, and we have never, ever lost sight of that," Gates said. "Binn Rogen is the most wanted man on the planet, and he remains our No. 1 priority."

... "Every single day our brave soldiers are out plastering wanted posters with Owanda Bun Luvin's face on buildings, telephone poles, and surrounding trees," Gen. Stanley McChrystal said. "We are constantly scouring the dangerous borderlands of Latvia for this terrible, terrible man."

"It's Latvia, right?" McChrystal added. "Either Latvia or Liberia or somewhere like that. You know, that general area."


MORE AT THE LINK ABOVE

Hilarious! And on point too. Man, I love The Onion!
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 04-19-2010, 10:22 AM   #30
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Report: China To Overtake U.S. As World's Biggest Asshole By 2020

U.S. Flag Recalled After Causing 143 Million Deaths

Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census

and ...

TV Listings » Law & Order SVU

NBC - 10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

That person you recognize from something else, they did it.


Ha ha ha ha ha!
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Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 05-06-2010, 08:18 AM   #31
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New Law Forces CEOs To Humbly Shrug Before Receiving Massive Bonuses

Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling
(you HAVE to see the picture attached to this one! )

Traumatized Child Comforted By Television

Live Feed: Obama Attends The White House Maintenance Staff Annual Dinner

and

Shell Executives Accuse Oil-Covered Otter Of Playing It Up

Oh man ... that's good stuff!
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Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 05-09-2010, 02:22 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger View Post
Supreme Court Upholds Freedom Of Speech In Obscenity-Filled Ruling
(you HAVE to see the picture attached to this one! )
This one, for me, sets a new standard. Absolutely freakin' hilarious.


- Heretic
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Old 05-10-2010, 10:35 AM   #33
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Exhausted Noam Chomsky Just Going To Try And Enjoy The Day For Once

Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 05-10-2010, 06:06 PM   #34
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I love the "Republicans and Leukemia join forces to repeal the Heath Care Act"!

http://www.theonion.com/articles/rep...th-care,17215/
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Old 06-07-2010, 08:07 AM   #35
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Oh, the delicious timing of this is unbelievable!

Massive Flow Of Bullshit Continues To Gush From BP Headquarters

LONDON—As the crisis in the Gulf of Mexico entered its eighth week Wednesday, fears continued to grow that the massive flow of bullshit still gushing from the headquarters of oil giant BP could prove catastrophic if nothing is done to contain it.

The toxic bullshit, which began to spew from the mouths of BP executives shortly after the explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig in April, has completely devastated the Gulf region, delaying cleanup efforts, affecting thousands of jobs, and endangering the lives of all nearby wildlife.

"Everything we can see at the moment suggests that the overall environmental impact of this will be very, very modest," said BP CEO Tony Hayward, letting loose a colossal stream of undiluted bullshit. "The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean, and the volume of oil we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total volume of water."

According to sources, the sheer quantity of bullshit pouring out of Hayward is unprecedented, and it has thoroughly drenched the coastlines of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, and Florida, with no end in sight.

Though no one knows exactly how much of the dangerous bullshit is currently gushing from BP headquarters, estimates put the number at somewhere between 25,000 and 70,000 words a day.

"We're looking at a truly staggering load of shit here," said Rebecca Palmer, an environmental scientist at the University of Georgia, who claimed that only BP has the ability to stem the flow of bullshit and plug it at its source. "And this is just the beginning—we're only seeing the surface-level bullshit. It could be years before we sift through it all and figure out just how deep this bullshit goes."

Congressional hearings aimed at stopping the bullshit have thus far failed to do so, with officials from BP and its contractors Halliburton and Transocean only adding to the powerful torrents of bullshit by blaming one another for the accident.

Along with the region's wildlife and fragile ecosystem, countless livelihoods have been jeopardized by BP's unchecked flow of corporate shit. Those who depend on fishing or tourism for their income are already feeling the noxious effects of the bullshit firsthand, as out-of-control platitudes begin to reach land and seep ashore.

"This bullshit, it's everywhere," said Louisiana fisherman Doug LaRoux, who lost his house to a tide of government bullshit following Hurricane Katrina. "It reeks. Big buckets of disgusting shit are oozing everywhere you look and I don't know if it's ever going to stop. I feel helpless"

Added LaRoux, "I never thought I'd be the victim of so much bullshit."

Observers have noted that after the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, corporate bullshit gushed up like a geyser for two decades and didn't wane until the oil company had bullshit its way through an exhaustive process of court appeals that ultimately reduced payouts to victims by 90 percent.

Despite Hayward's denials that BP is at fault for the environmental disaster and his concern that it will result in "illegitimate" American lawsuits, the embattled CEO has still managed to trickle out a few last drips of bullshit sympathy for Gulf Coast residents.

"I'm as devastated as you are by this," Hayward said after a meeting with cleanup crews on Louisiana's Fourchon Beach. "We will clean every last drop up and we will remediate all of the environmental damage."

"There's no one that wants this thing over with more than I do," he added a week later, just absolutely defying belief with the thickest, most dangerous bullshit yet. "I'd like my life back."

Millions of Americans reported feeling ill and disoriented upon contact with that particularly vile plume of bullshit.

Many environmentalists, including Palmer, have called for a boycott of BP until the bullshit stops or is at least under control, but they emphasize that in the long term, Americans will have to change their habits if they wish to avoid future catastrophes.

"We must all work together if we're going to cure our nation of this addiction," Palmer said. "The sad fact is, the United States has been running on bullshit for decades."

This is priceless. The original article (click on the Headline link at the top of this post) has some additional photos and graphics.
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Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 06-08-2010, 11:02 PM   #36
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Total fucking hilarity! I can't stop laughing!
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Old 09-06-2010, 08:19 AM   #37
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Texas Vows To Reclaim Title Of Most Regressive State From Arizona

SOURCE

August 27, 2010 | ISSUE 46•34

AUSTIN, TX—Following a series of embarrassingly backward laws recently enacted in Arizona, Texas governor Rick Perry pledged Wednesday to do everything in his power to reestablish his state as the most regressive in the nation. "I commend Arizona for its commitment to exceedingly draconian social policies, but [Arizona Governor] Jan Brewer should know that we still have some real doozies up our sleeve," said Perry, referring to Arizona's passage of the strictest immigration law in recent U.S. history, as well as its measures allowing concealed weapons to be carried without a permit and banning ethnic studies programs in public schools.

"Don't forget, we just put an ultraconservative stamp on our educational curriculum that's going to affect the textbooks the whole country uses, and I'm still the only governor nutso enough to float secession. Mark my words, we'll be back and more fucked up than ever!" Sources close to Perry said that Texas may soon start storing undocumented migrant workers in dog cages while courts decide their immigration status, though Arizona plans to counter with a giant cannon that will be used to shoot anyone with a skin tone darker than ochre who crosses the border from Mexico.

Ben - Seeing as how I currently live in Texas, that is actually only half funny. This, on the other hand, is endlessly amusing!

__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 04-26-2011, 10:40 AM   #38
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Oh my god! I am going to die from laughing so hard and not being able to catch my breath!

The Onion's Fake Morning News/Talk Show 'Today Now!' - The Interview with the screenwriter of the fourth "The Fast and the Furious" sequel:

'Today Now!' Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five".

"The car goes out of the train and then there's a hole in the train!"

"She see'd a bullet, and the bullet went POOFT around her face, but she didn't duck, only had to take a bath."


Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 09-12-2011, 06:04 PM   #39
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Trojan Introduces ‘No One’s Pleasure’ Condoms For Bitter, Resentful Couples

From The Onion's 'Relationships: Try Not To Screw This One Up' column:

Helps reduce the risk of intimate, fulfilling relationships.

Quote:
Excerpt: “These things are great,” said test subject Jerry Morelli, who explained that the condoms have helped him find new ways to loathe and disparage his wife of 15 years. “If I’m not gonna enjoy myself, I want to make damn sure she doesn’t either.”
Ahahahahahaha!
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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