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Old 04-20-2012, 02:10 AM   #1
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So tired...

of holding everything together for everyone else...

Fuck it... fuck this moment of weakness... I'm stronger than my past... I can win this one...
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Old 04-20-2012, 06:38 AM   #2
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no... no I can't win this one. I told MrBat tonight that I was shattered into a million tiny pieces and that I was over holding it together, over changing for everyone else, over all the shit and crap and stuff.

over living with:

the fact that my parents really couldn't have given a rats ass about me,

the year of abuse I had a school in year 4 - because the teacher was such a 'great guy' and his abuse of me was just 'who he was' and my parents couldn't be bothered to get me out of that school.

over the decade of abuse by my ex,

of allowing others to treat me like shit,

of falling in a heap and trying to get back on my feet, rather than living life on my knees,

of trying to keep on going forward when all I want to do is disassociate for awhile..

Dunno what's going to happen, but maybe I can find my way back to some sort of new normality or whatever.

Gotta love disassociation... it rocks..

And there we have it... a brief history of the life of a totally fucked up fruitbat.
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Old 04-20-2012, 10:42 AM   #3
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Well that is a pretty fucked up history, no wonder you're having problems keeping it all together. Have you tried therapy? Cuz that is an awful lot of shit to deal with on your own.
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Old 04-20-2012, 12:26 PM   #4
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I seem to hear her mentioning shes in therapy at the moment
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:27 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Solumina View Post
Well that is a pretty fucked up history, no wonder you're having problems keeping it all together. Have you tried therapy? Cuz that is an awful lot of shit to deal with on your own.
Most therapists are shit. And I've learnt quite a few techniques over the years to dealing with it.

Mindfulness, EMDR, meditation - that sort of stuff helps, but to be perfectly honest, I'm kinda tired of patching myself up and getting back on the horse (that is life), only to find that the fucking horse is really limber and can kick me in the teeth again.

I'm waiting to see a therapist my GP recommended, but I'm not holding out much hope that she'll be any different. But in all honesty, I'm probably better off getting drunk, or going bungee jumping or something like that to snap me out of this pity party I'm in.

Oh fuck it... I know I'll haul my ass out of this ravine, because I'll get sick of sitting at the bottom of it. I'll find some dumbass shit (like the blue sky or a lizard) to fall in love with, and I'll be out the otherside but at the moment wallowing in self pity and fuckedupness is suiting me just fine.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:48 PM   #6
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I know most therapists are shit, but there are good ones out there and they are amazing. They don't help you enough to just patch you up, they help you rewire your brain so all those neural networks that you created while you were in a pit of despair will be gone. It won't get rid of the memories of what has happened to you but it quite literally changes the way that you think about everything.
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Old 04-22-2012, 01:02 PM   #7
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Sol - Oh I'll go and see this new one, but I'm not holding my breath.

Seriously hard to get up the ability to trust (in a therapist) when there have been so many people in my life who have said "I love you, trust me" and then fucked me over. It's not a question of if that person will fuck me over, it's a question of when.

But babybat is the exception to the rule. He's the only one who is going to get my unconditional love. Everyone else is going to have to work for it.
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:31 PM   #8
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I don't know what to suggest to fix this, but I hope you manage to find a way - that's a hell of a shitstorm of issues. You come over as a nice person, and I'm sorry to hear so many people have been so shitty to you. People suck. But at the very least, it sounds like babybat's going to have something a hell of a lot better than you did growing up - and while that can't change your past, it's still something you should feel pretty damn amazing about.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:24 PM   #9
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Thanks Apathy....

I'm over the pity party. Got so fucking sick of myself that I pulled myself up and out of it. Knew I would. I always get sick of being all "Oh woe is me," and just get on with life.

Wicked shoes help.
So too does alcohol.
and a wicked laugh.
and catching guys checking me out.
and running along board walks with babybat, pretending to be exploring (and making an idiot out of myself but having a blast).
dyeing my hair
having a morning cuddle with babybat. He's just at the right size where he fits in like a teddybear and he's soo toasty warm and he is such a gorgeous soul.
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:57 PM   #10
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Shit's tough. I know how it is. I know how I've had it worse than others, and others have had it worse than me. That makes me sick.

You know who has all the answers?

Don't get mad at me. I'm totally serious.

Tupac Shakur. Look at his song titles--a lot of them are the answer in themselves. Life Goes On, for one.

I once told someone that you don't need hope to go on, because shit goes on without you, without hope. Life does indeed go on. But you can find hope in that, and in that the more wisdom you accumulate, at least you'll be helping people. You might have to deal with more of the weather than others, so to speak, but not only are you tougher for it, but your experiences spread the seeds of hope and enlightenment to others.

Don't worry. You won't break down. It's really hard to kill someone--easy, too, but at the same time, remakably difficult--all you need to do is continue. You cannot fail an action that you've not not completed.
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:33 PM   #11
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Ah, what hurts most Angelic is that I've hurt a guy I care about a lot. I hurt him a lot. A whole lot. I can't stand hurting those close to me.

I'm one of those crazy fuckers who will drive 16 hour (roundtrip) to help a friend move house or I'd be the one to walk over broken glass before I hurt someone close to me, and I've done it, and I'll have to live with that regret for the rest of my life.


I break all the time, but I fix myself back up and get on with life. It's not the end, even if it feels like it. I'm a resiliant old cow, maybe because the only person I rely on is myself.

Thanks for the songs... I'll look them up.

Cheers
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:16 AM   #12
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Without knowing exactly what's happened between you and this guy, I'm sure you had your reasons for whatever it was that you did. You really don't seem like the kind of person who goes around stomping colons because you've had a bad day. And I hope you both start feeling better about it soon. Meanwhile, Apathy is right; Babybat's lucky to have a mum who could put enough of her own issues aside to be a good one for him, even though she hasn't exactly had the best of role models.

Aso, on your list of things to feel good about, you forgot pie. Pie is like... PIE, man.
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Old 04-24-2012, 01:46 PM   #13
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the guy is Mr Bat. Only ever is one guy in fruit's life at a time.

Thanks for the words of support. Yeah pie... apricot pies.. yum!
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Old 04-24-2012, 04:19 PM   #14
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One of the first things I tell people is that it's wrong how society has us programmed to think it's selfish to put themselves first. If you don't put yourself first, ...no one will. It's as simple as that. Part of being self-sufficient is self-love. Hell, part of life. You just have to look out for yourself first and foremost, and while being as careful as possible with other people's feelings, not letting them limit your survival ability. Sometimes you hurt people. It's a part of life. But just as often (or likely, far more) people hurt you. They have to learn to cope, just as you have.

Don't feel bad for doing something if it was good for you. They'll move on.

Still, maybe all it needs is apology. I'm not the one to say for sure, but I think with tact the right time will make itself certain, and maybe you won't even have to say anything. As The Sister's said,

"...The real truth is never spoken".
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Old 04-25-2012, 04:34 AM   #15
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Yeah, think he's already thinking about his options. We were talking today with a single friend and he was asking her about dating websites.

I said "Well I'm not interested." and he said "Well not all of us want to go live in a monestary" to which I replied. "oh yeah, all those single guys, woohoo."

But then I said that I'd go live in a nunnery, but somehow it doesn't sound quite as impressive - living the monastic life sounds better than living the nunnastic life.

But in all honesty, I'd probably get kicked out of a nunnery before I could be admitted. Plus I think you have to be religious, which could be a problem.

So maybe it's a hermit's life for me.

So see despite all the pain and shit, I'm still cracking jokes - ugh! When will I stop with the humour?
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Old 04-27-2012, 05:52 PM   #16
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Why should you...? Humor is good for you. It helps you hold it together, and helps you get through the day. It makes you happier, and helps you live longer. It relieves stress. It's a good thing you're still cracking jokes.

Also, I think being a monk is probably way cooler than being a nun. A hermit is pretty similar, though, depending on self-discipline.

It sounds to me like you have plenty. And who knows...? It could be fun recording history and the secrets of the black arts on parchment with calligraphy. I've bound my own books before.
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