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Old 02-09-2006, 12:29 AM   #1
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T.E.A.R. (Teens Against Abusive Relationships)

Congress has declared that February 6th will officially be the beginning of National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week.

We've certainly had more than our fair share of young people lately, recounting stories of abuse by their significant others, around here.

I thought It would be appropriate to share a link of a new anti-violence support group I read about.

The group is called. T.E.A.R.

Teens Experiencing Abusive Relationships

Here's the link to their webpage:

"The Justice Department says girls between the ages of 16 and 24 are more likely than any other age-group to become victims of relationship abuse -- almost triple the national average.

One in five high school girls will become the victim of dating violence, according to a 2005 study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association


If you're in trouble, or in a bad situation, please talk to someone.

No one EVER deserves to be abused.

Be the reason this cycle of violence ends in our lifetime.
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Old 02-09-2006, 08:12 AM   #2
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Excellent thread, my dear!

If you know someone or are someone in a abusive relationship, get out!

Trust me, they never get better only worse.
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Old 02-09-2006, 09:05 AM   #3
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i keep trying to get that point "it never gets better" across to my fifteen year old sister.

Her seventeen year old boyfriend was raised in a household where physical as well as mental/verbal abuse was fairly prevalent, so to him it's perfectly natural to berate and yell at her.

Mind you, she's a mean little shit herself...i've seen her bring him to tears with a few well placed words. But i am from a school of thought that men should never place their hands on a woman. Unless it's a matter of life and death.

i'm going to email those links my little sister with hopes she takes it seriously.

As for her boyfriend, the day he turns eighteen, i have a big suprise in store for him. Seriously.

Thanks EPS for posting this.
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Old 02-09-2006, 09:23 AM   #4
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No problem Teka.

Gimme a bit and I will post some other information that might be helpful to her.

Has he hit her yet?

Speaking from experience, we as women, tend to repeat the same patterns of 'types' of men that we date as teenagers, on into adulthood.

If you become accustomed to being with an abusive man at an early age, it's not so shocking when the next guy begins to abuse you as you enter adulthood. It simply becomes what you are used to being treated like by guys. It becomes Normal. Which is such a dangerous mindset to possess.

I know this from experience.

I WISH I had known THEN what I know NOW.

There is NEVER a good reason for a man to treat a woman like or worse than he would treat his dog.

Young women feel things so passionately, and are for the most part it is very diffucult for them to look ahead into the future. Many of them feel like their very worlds will stop spinning without these men in their lives. And thats the way these guys WANT them to feel. They strip their self-esteem and self-respect down to its basest level. They make them feel like no other guy would want to be with them. They make them feel like its their fault, that they gets so angry at them all the time.

It's all so incredibly sick and manipulative.

You're a great brother Vince. Don't give up trying to open her eyes.

I'll post some more information that might be useful for her in a bit.

*Squeezy Hugs*
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Old 02-09-2006, 09:35 AM   #5
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Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence. Domestic violence may even end up in murder.

The key elements of domestic abuse are:

* intimidation
* humiliating the other person
* physical injury

Domestic abuse is not a result of losing control; domestic abuse is intentionally trying to control another person. The abuser is purposefully using verbal, nonverbal, or physical means to gain control over the other person.

In some cultures, control of women by men is accepted as the norm. This article speaks from the orientation that control of intimate partners is domestic abuse within a culture where such control is not the norm. Today we see many cultures moving from the subordination of women to increased equality of women within relationships.

What are the types of domestic abuse?

The types of domestic abuse are:

* physical abuse (domestic violence)
* verbal or nonverbal abuse (psychological abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse)
* sexual abuse
* stalking or cyberstalking
* economic abuse or financial abuse
* spiritual abuse

The divisions between these types of domestic abuse are somewhat fluid, but there is a strong differentiation between the various forms of physical abuse and the various types of verbal or nonverbal abuse.

What is physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?

Physical abuse is the use of physical force against another person in a way that ends up injuring the person, or puts the person at risk of being injured. Physical abuse ranges from physical restraint to murder. When someone talks of domestic violence, they are often referring to physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner.

Physical assault or physical battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside a family or outside the family. The police are empowered to protect you from physical attack.

Physical abuse includes:

* pushing, throwing, kicking
* slapping, grabbing, hitting, punching, beating, tripping, battering, bruising, choking, shaking
* pinching, biting
* holding, restraining, confinement
* breaking bones
* assault with a weapon such as a knife or gun
* burning
* murder

What is emotional abuse or verbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner?

Mental, psychological, or emotional abuse can be verbal or nonverbal. Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner consists of more subtle actions or behaviors than physical abuse. While physical abuse might seem worse, the scars of verbal and emotional abuse are deep. Studies show that verbal or nonverbal abuse can be much more emotionally damaging than physical abuse.

Verbal or nonverbal abuse of a spouse or intimate partner may include:

* threatening or intimidating to gain compliance
* destruction of the victim’s personal property and possessions, or threats to do so
* violence to an object (such as a wall or piece of furniture) or pet, in the presence of the intended victim, as a way of instilling fear of further violence
* yelling or screaming
* name-calling
* constant harassment
* embarrassing, making fun of, or mocking the victim, either alone within the household, in public, or in front of family or friends
* criticizing or diminishing the victim’s accomplishments or goals
* not trusting the victim’s decision-making
* telling the victim that they are worthless on their own, without the abuser
* excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family
* excessive checking-up on the victim to make sure they are at home or where they said they would be
* saying hurtful things while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and using the substance as an excuse to say the hurtful things
* blaming the victim for how the abuser acts or feels
* making the victim remain on the premises after a fight, or leaving them somewhere else after a fight, just to “teach them a lesson”
* making the victim feel that there is no way out of the relationship

What is sexual abuse or sexual exploitation of a spouse or intimate partner?

Sexual abuse includes:

* sexual assault: forcing someone to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity
* sexual harassment: ridiculing another person to try to limit their sexuality or reproductive choices
* sexual exploitation (such as forcing someone to look at pornography, or forcing someone to participate in pornographic film-making)

Sexual abuse often is linked to physical abuse; they may occur together, or the sexual abuse may occur after a bout of physical abuse.

How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship?
What are the signs and symptoms of an abusive relationship?

The more of the following questions that you answer Yes to, the more likely you are in an abusive relationship.

Examine your answers and seek help if you find that you respond positively to a large number of the questions.

Your inner feelings and dialogue: Fear, self-loathing, numbness, desperation

* Are you fearful of your partner a large percentage of the time?
* Do you avoid certain topics or spend a lot of time figuring out how to talk about certain topics so that you do not arouse your partner’s negative reaction or anger?
* Do you ever feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
* Do you ever feel so badly about yourself that you think you deserve to be physically hurt?
* Have you lost the love and respect that you once had for your partner?
* Do you sometimes wonder if you are the one who is crazy, that maybe you are overreacting to your partner’s behaviors?
* Do you sometimes fantasize about ways to kill your partner to get them out of your life?
* Are you afraid that your partner may try to kill you?
* Are you afraid that your partner will try to take your children away from you?
* Do you feel that there is nowhere to turn for help?
* Are you feeling emotionally numb?
* Were you abused as a child, or did you grow up with domestic violence in the household? Does domestic violence seem normal to you?

Your partner’s lack of control over their own behavior

* Does your partner have low self-esteem? Do they appear to feel powerless, ineffective, or inadequate in the world, although they are outwardly successful?
* Does your partner externalize the causes of their own behavior? Do they blame their violence on stress, alcohol, or a “bad day”?
* Is your partner unpredictable?
* Is your partner a pleasant person between bouts of violence?

Your partner’s violent or threatening behavior

* Does your partner have a bad temper?
* Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you or kill you?
* Has your partner ever physically hurt you?
* Has your partner threatened to take your children away from you, especially if you try to leave the relationship?
* Has your partner ever threatened to commit suicide, especially as a way of keeping you from leaving?
* Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn’t want to?
* Has your partner threatened you at work, either in person or on the phone?
* Is your partner cruel to animals?
* Does your partner destroy your belongings or household objects?

Your partner’s controlling behavior

* Does your partner try to keep you from seeing your friends or family?
* Are you embarrassed to invite friends or family over to your house because of your partner’s behavior?
* Has your partner limited your access to money, the telephone, or the car?
* Does your partner try to stop you from going where you want to go outside of the house, or from doing what you want to do?
* Is your partner jealous and possessive, asking where you are going and where you have been, as if checking up on you? Do they accuse you of having an affair?

Your partner’s diminishment of you

* Does your partner verbally abuse you?
* Does your partner humiliate or criticize you in front of others?
* Does your partner often ignore you or put down your opinions or contributions?
* Does your partner always insist that they are right, even when they are clearly wrong?
* Does your partner blame you for their own violent behavior, saying that your behavior or attitudes cause them to be violent?
* Is your partner often outwardly angry with you?
* Does your partner objectify and disrespect those of your gender? Does your partner see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

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Old 02-09-2006, 09:44 AM   #6
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What are the results of domestic violence or abuse?

The results of domestic violence or abuse can be very long-lasting. People who are abused by a spouse or intimate partner may develop:

* sleeping problems
* depression
* anxiety attacks
* low self-esteem
* lack of trust in others
* feelings of abandonment
* anger
* sensitivity to rejection
* diminished mental and physical health
* inability to work
* poor relationships with their children and other loved ones
* substance abuse as a way of coping

Physical abuse may result in death, if the victim does not leave the relationship.

References and resources about types, signs, causes, and effects of domestic abuse and domestic violence

Important Phone Hotlines & Web Resources

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) - A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. The service also has an email address and access for the deaf. Hotline staff members can speak in English or Spanish and have access to translators for many other languages. (Texas Council on Family Violence)

State Coalition List - Lists the phone numbers for the state offices of the NCADV. These offices can help you find local support or a shelter from domestic violence, as well as free or low-cost legal services. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Warning signs of domestic abuse web resources

The Problem - Offers a Checklist of behaviors and feelings that will help you to assess whether you are in an abusive relationship. The NCADV also lists Predictors of Domestic Violence to help you to decide whether your partner may become violent toward you. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

General resources;l

Women’s Law Initiative
- An extremely useful site with a lot of information hidden away under various menu items. The home page’s left menu covers topics applicable to someone from any state: teen date violence; domestic abuse among immigrants; gaining Internet security against domestic violence; planning safety for yourself if you are being abused; child custody and kidnapping information; domestic violence on native American tribal lands; and getting help for domestic violence within the military system. At the top of the left menu is a dropdown menu that lets you choose a state. Once you get to a state’s home page, the left menu provides options for information within that state. This information includes courthouse and sheriff’s office contacts; court forms; legal terms and statutes; getting a restraining order or protective order; and some state-specific information. The page is available in Spanish at Bienvenido (Iniciativa de Derecho de la Mujer). (Women's Law Initiative)
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Old 02-09-2006, 09:45 AM   #7
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Teen dating violence resources

Teens: Love Doesn’t Have To Hurt
- A teen-friendly site that talks about what abuse looks like and how to do something about it. (American Psychological Association)

See It And Stop It!
- Focused on preventing intimate partner abuse among teens, this site is attractive to teens and quick to inform, and inspires taking action to stop teen dating violence. (Teen Action Campaign)

Information for Teens - Describes teen dating violence and answers questions about what to do about teen dating violence. The information is available in Spanish at Información para Jóvenes. (Women’s Law Initiative)

Love Is Not Abuse - Articles about how to recognize controlling and violent teen relationships and how to stop the abuse. Especially helpful is the information for parents and for teen boys about how to stop the cycle of violence. (Liz Claiborne, Inc.)
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Old 02-09-2006, 01:32 PM   #8
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Thanks EPS. *hugs*
No he hasn't hit her yet. As far as i know. If i should ever find out that he has...i will go to jail. Do not pass Go. It's guaranteed.

Sometimes i think that maybe if she saw the things my younger brother and i saw growing up with her dad (he was our stepdad for eight years before she was born) then she wouldn't tolerate any form of abuse. But, thats a tale best kept for another time.

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Old 02-10-2006, 06:46 PM   #9
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I just wanted to say thankyou for posting this thread.
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Old 04-23-2006, 07:01 PM   #10
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