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Old 12-27-2006, 08:37 PM   #1
Miss_Hazie_Lane
 
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I'm running on empty

I'm tired, and depressed, and fuck it, I'm normally stoic (went for a month with bronchitis claiming it was a head cold stoic, walked 7 miles in one day, no breaks with heels on) but fuck it, I'm running on empty and I hate it. Lately I've become terrified of my own mortality, or not even that, it's not death that scares me, it's aging, which is crazy, I'm still so young, but time seems to pass without my noticing, and I'm terrified everything will go by in a flash, and suddenly I'll be old, and barren, and ugly. I'm reaching that time when I need to be taking my first steps towards freedom, and I feel like I just keep stumbeling, I feel like there's nothing I'm "really" good at, nothing I'm good enough at to do proffesionally. I don't even have a real highschool degree, I was homeschooled most of my life, and dropped out of Highschool a year and a half ago, I hated it, but I'm so frightend I won't get where I want to go, I'm scared of having to go without my little comforts, and luxeries, I'm scared because I'm not sure if I want kids, and I have only ten years to deceide, I'm scared that everything will fall to peices around me, I'm scared of taking another state board test, I'm scared of job applications, and getting stuck somewhere I don't want to be, I'm scared that I'm not half as talented as I usually think I am, I'm scared that I'm trying to fly on wings made of netting,. I'm scared of paying rent, and buying groceries, and making ends meet, I'm scared of looking for an apprenticeship, and most of all I'm scared that I won't do any of this because I'm so fucking scared all the time. I'm scared that I was meant to be a writer instead, I'm scared that not only am I not meant to be a makeup artist, but I'm also not meant to be a writer. I'm scared of being forgettable. I'm scared because my period is late, and that's always been bad in the past, I'm scared I've lost weight, I'm scared I've gaind weight (I know I haven't) I'm scared of going back to being a dead eyed anorexic, I'm scared of how much I want to destroy myself, and how much I hate the idea that you can only do it once.
I'm sad because, my 9 year old dog just died, I'm sad because it's nearly midnight, and people are in the next room, and I don't know what to say to them, I'm sad because I've lost touch with the outside world and I have no one to talk to lately, I'm sad because I don't want to be alone all the time, even when I'm with people I feel essentially alone, companionship seems so transient. I'm sad because I worry constantly I'm socially akward, I'm not, honestly I can be really charming when I'm at ease, but I'm rarely at ease, I was misdiagnosed as a child with non-verbal learning disability, which was an extreamly questionable diagnosis even then, and it later got even more confusing when it get lumped in with asbergers, I don't have any form of asbergers, I laugh, I empathize, I'm relatively relatable, I'm honestly just shy, even though I was later correctly rediagnosed as ADD, and definantly not NLD, the stigma, and fear of people thinking I'm weird keeps me a step back from the world, and by weird I don't mean unusual in a creative or good way, I mean weird as in the kid who doesn't know how to talk to people, the kid who's creepy, not because they want to be creepy, but because they just don't quite work right. I'm terrified of being that, I am without question strange, unusual, hell even shocking, but I want my strangeness to be mine, i want to own my eccentricity not the other way round, I want it to be my choice. I don't want to have to be alone. I want to be shunned by the average because I want to be shunned, not because I can't help it.
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Old 12-27-2006, 10:14 PM   #2
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Might want to try not being a bitch, obstinate, or a pseudointellectual, then everything will work out.
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Old 12-27-2006, 10:23 PM   #3
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You've said it yourself, you are young. If you take every opportunity, reasonably, offered to you, see how it works out, if you are happy keep going, if you hate it move on. You can always go back. And if you take every opportunity you can't say you didn't try.

I know the fear thing, it's hard, but you have to suck it up and say to yourself, "Fuck what they think, I can make it, I can do this." or it will consume you.

You are not anorexic, you see there is a problem in losing weight so you are just fine. Always control what you can, if you can't control it well then you just have to live with it.

I have a very "messed up" family and group of friends. Trust me mental and physical doctors are usually quite useless. Research for your self and then go to the doctors.

You need to know your limits, like with drinking. You need to know what you can and can not drink, you find out through trial and error.

Trust yourself through finding your limits, self control, and taking every opportunity to move up or just enrich yourself.

As I said you can not let fear consume you, go somewhere and just start talking to someone that catches your eye. Watch how they react if they seem weirded out move on, if they don't keep up the conversation. I'm charming when I'm at ease, too, you just need to throw yourself out there and learn via trial and error. Who cares as long as you learn what to do and what not to do.

I can't help with kids, but until you are sure you want them and are ready, then it doesn't matter, screw how long you have, my mother had my younger brother when she was like 41. I'm assuming you're in your twenties, so you have almost forever and a day.

Main thing is you need to trust yourself, always be in control, learn from every experience, and learn from other's experiences, and you can always go back.

EDIT: OMEGA! Go crawl back into that toxic vat of waste from whence you came! You have issues, we all have issues! But some are willing to get over themselves and ask for help. Get a life, you soul-sucking S.O.B!
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Old 12-27-2006, 11:09 PM   #4
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Whence? Who the fuck uses whence anymore? You don't even know what it means, you've only heard it in that context (and that's why you used it like that, Epicurus' riddle anyone?).

Plus you're a stupid cunt, piss off you jackass.
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Old 12-27-2006, 11:49 PM   #5
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Hazie, I have had similar days every now and then, so you know this is not an isolated feeling.
First of all, try not to be scared. I think fright is an irrationality that should be reserved for pathological fears. Being frightened almost never leads you anywhere.
Just take some deep breaths and say to yourself "Today I will *insert something you want to accomplish*"
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People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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Old 12-28-2006, 12:10 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian
Hazie, I have had similar days every now and then, so you know this is not an isolated feeling.
First of all, try not to be scared. I think fright is an irrationality that should be reserved for pathological fears. Being frightened almost never leads you anywhere.
Just take some deep breaths and say to yourself "Today I will *insert something you want to accomplish*"
Simplified what I was about to write. Hahaha.

But yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've felt the same way. The most important thing to do is to just keep yourself busy at all times. Try to create something new every day.
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Old 12-28-2006, 12:34 AM   #7
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La paura è una maledizione che non ti fa godere la vita...

It simply means (in Italian) that "fear is a curse that impedes you from enjoying life."

I understand your hopelessness and vulnerability, I've dealt with similar feelings of frustration. Just don't let it get to you, be strong, you'll see that things on the other end of the road aren't as bad as you think they are.
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Old 12-28-2006, 12:42 AM   #8
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Why is it even logical to care about where you go? We are all going to die, worrying about the future is precious time wasted, correct?
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Old 12-28-2006, 01:09 AM   #9
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Unless there is something you wish for your future.
Believe me, I'm one of the ones that would most understand that logic of yours in the above post, but if you yourself believed your own commentary as true, despite all pleasures in life, what purpose do you find to keep on living?
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Quote:
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People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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Old 12-28-2006, 01:36 AM   #10
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Only the weak are defeated.
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Old 12-28-2006, 03:32 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian
Unless there is something you wish for your future.
Believe me, I'm one of the ones that would most understand that logic of yours in the above post, but if you yourself believed your own commentary as true, despite all pleasures in life, what purpose do you find to keep on living?
To see the end, there is no other reason on this planet for me to survive other than my own human interests. I am illogical by nature, I should die logically. It doesn't matter, but I will want to see the end.
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Old 12-28-2006, 04:57 AM   #12
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You can't be too shy if you are to be posting such personal feelings on a forum. And if you aren't really good at anything, practise at what you are good at or what you enjoy.

And Omega, what if you see an end that came by your own hands because you didn't look into the future?
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Old 12-28-2006, 09:25 AM   #13
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My dear Hazie,

I think your dog dying was the trigger, and then the stress of the long walk in heels amplified the feelings.

When I saw my cat killed by my neighbor's dog (a kitten really, only a year old), and I reached it too late to save it, I was pushed into fear and depression, and my daughter moving out away from home amplified it.

Looking back, I felt the fear of my daughter going out into the world on her own, and not being able to protect her any more, as the subconscious fear that I would not be able to save her in time from something either.

So then I started sleeping poorly. Lack of proper sleep will add to the negative spiral. Are you getting a good night's sleep every night?

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it is perfectly normal and logical to react the way you are feeling considering what you have been through. Your feelings are valid, and it is mentally healthy (and encouraging) that you recognize and acknowledge them. Me, I tried to suppress them, which made it worse.

a) First of all, find someone that you can talk to in person about your feelings, I wish I was there for you, but all I have to offer are words on a two dimensional screen. Find someone who will mostly listen to you. And ask for a hug.

b) Make sure you are getting plenty of rest and sleep.

c) Do something nice for YOURSELF! Go somewhere you would like to go, buy something for yourself, eat a whole package of ice cream, whatever. But do something pleasant.

d) Do not fret about supporting yourself in future life, you will make it. The birds do not know where their next meal will come from, and they survive every day. You are more important than any number of birds!

And I agree with what everyone else has posted previously too. And remember: we care about YOU. I certainly do.
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:03 AM   #14
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Do not look too much to the future, it will happen whether you want it to or not. Problems of the future are best resolved by ignoring them and working actively in the present, being not neglectful of a detail because it seems hard or futile. Everything in life appears difficult, but is little more then a simple process, a series of steps.

First one, and then the other.

There may be more steps than you feel you can manage, but one at a time is better than none at all. Fear of failure is a normal thing, but fear should be less a stoppin gforce than a driving one. Don't go fetal because the fear seems overwhelming- use the anxiety as the potential energy it really is to start workin git out.

Nothing will ever end up perfect or even ideal. But things do have a habit of working out. The more you angle the direction, the better it will be. Otherwise, you won't live your life so much as "things will just happen" to you.
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Old 12-28-2006, 12:01 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Feeble Minded
You can't be too shy if you are to be posting such personal feelings on a forum. And if you aren't really good at anything, practise at what you are good at or what you enjoy.

And Omega, what if you see an end that came by your own hands because you didn't look into the future?
Doesn't matter logically, correct?
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Old 12-28-2006, 04:31 PM   #16
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I am 15 and get the same damn feeling. You are not alone.
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Old 12-28-2006, 08:29 PM   #17
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I'm seventeen actually, I want to have my kids (if I have them) not later than 28, I don't want to be old as they grow up. Thank you all, I haven't been sleeping much lately, insomnia due to stress due to insomnia. Technicaly I'm an ex-anorexic, not a fun time while I had it, glad to be over it. Once again thank you all so much for your advice, normally I'm not as fearful as I was the other night, but occosionally I have a bad day...or a bad come down (off my medication) and that's no fun, I feel much better now
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:46 PM   #18
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Haha, speaking about kids, Disorder gave me a good idea. I'm donating sperm!
Imagine little Jillians up for grabs to anyone that wants artificial insemination.
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I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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Old 12-28-2006, 10:59 PM   #19
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I really want to help you so bad, but me being unexperienced at this is really not helping.
I've got those irrational thoughts myself too, and when I asked my counsellor about it, she just said, think about it everytime you have those things in your mind, is it rational for a reasonable person to have them and are they really gonna happen? Which really doesn't work for me, but you might wanna try that. She also kept pushing me to go out and socialize, I have not yet to try that, but she did mention how important it is to have someone to talk to and not to isolate yourself, so maybe that's another step to work on.
And while I'm not a great communicator and probably won't help you as much as others will, if you've got so desperate to find someone to talk to, you can always resort to me .
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Old 12-28-2006, 11:22 PM   #20
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[/QUOTE=Godslayer Jillian]Haha, speaking about kids, Disorder gave me a good idea. I'm donating sperm!
Imagine little Jillians up for grabs to anyone that wants artificial insemination.[/quote]

What, you're doing it like, right now?
What is it, another attempt to make the world a better place?
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Old 12-29-2006, 08:16 PM   #21
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Nice to hear you're feeling better now, Hazie.
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Old 12-29-2006, 08:42 PM   #22
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Haha, I'm not doing it right now, but yes, it's an attempt to make the world a better place... or at least to earn some good money.
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I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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Old 12-30-2006, 12:05 PM   #23
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Good, maybe I'll do the same when I'm older. haha
Then there would be at least one more smart person on this eath...or at least musically talented.
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Old 12-30-2006, 12:52 PM   #24
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One day; you'll be okay. Promise.
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Old 12-30-2006, 03:14 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crying_Crimson_Tears
One day; you'll be okay. Promise.
Why did you use a semi-colon? Why did you say promise and not, "I promise."

Because none of that makes any God damn sense grammatically, or punctuation wise.
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