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Politics "Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule -and both commonly succeed, and are right." -H.L. Menken

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Old 08-17-2011, 06:12 AM   #1
Ben Lahnger
 
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Talking The 2011-12 Republican Rolling Roadshow of Ridiculousness!

This is a thread I made just to indulge my desire to make fun of the group of clowns that are campaigning for the 2012 Republican Presidential Nomination.

Here's the one I just posted in the Bachmann thread:

"Spelling out what is likely to be a key theme in his bid for the Presidency, Texas Governor Rick Perry told an audience in Houston today that as President he would establish universal hair care for all Americans." -- Andy Borowitz

And now I'll start with a couple of new ones:

.

"Rick Perry is living proof that 'Manos: The Hands Of Fate' is not even remotely the worst thing to ever come out of Texas." -- Frank Conniff

.

"Cornerstone Action's website announces the Rick Perry will speak at the group's fundraiser, in New Hampshire. Texans' tax dollars will pay for his Department of Public Safety escort. "Helpful links" on the website are available to those seeking to cure 'same sex attraction.' Ok. I doubt whether the Perry will discuss Texas' teen pregnancy rate--highest in the nation." -- Bill White

.

Palin Woos Bachmann Supporters: 'I Was a Moron Before It was Cool' -- Andy Borowitz

.
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Old 08-17-2011, 08:55 PM   #2
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.

"There are people running for President right now I wouldn't trust to work at Radio Shack."

-- Andy Borowitz

.

"It's unfair that Obama is painting all GOP candidates as tea party dipshits just because they're all tea party dipshits."

-- Frank Conniff

.

"Haven't seen anyone in and out as quickly as Tim Pawlenty since I called my wife the wrong name during sex."

-- Ron White

.
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
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and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-19-2011, 07:21 AM   #3
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Old 08-19-2011, 08:09 AM   #4
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Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

The following are NOT jokes:

From CBS News - "Republican presidential contender Michele Bachmann said Thursday there is a growing fear among Americans about an 'unstoppable decline' of the United States and a "rise of the Soviet Union." - Bachmann says Americans worried about "rise of the Soviet Union"

From ABC News - "Michele Bachmann made this outlandish campaign promise at a town hall in Greenville, South Carolina." - Bachmann promises $2/gallon gas if elected
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Old 08-19-2011, 08:17 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger View Post
Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

The following are NOT jokes:
i disagree my friend, they are all jokes. All.One.Big.Joke.

i need a cigarette.

Edit: i just noticed the green part of your signature. lmao nice. But that's why they really invented VoIP
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Old 08-19-2011, 02:50 PM   #6
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Talking

Ben,

I`m going to have to agree with Vince, the green part of your signature is really funny !!!.
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Old 08-19-2011, 06:42 PM   #7
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Thanks!

I try to swap those things out every week or two (the limericks in green), but I imagine it goes unnoticed sometimes. The thing is, I really, REALLY like raunchy limericks. So did Isaac Asimov ... he even put out a book of them (which I own). In fact, I own three books of them but stopped buying them because there are so many more on the internet. But, oh what mischief can be wrought in five simple lines!

Here's one from Asimov's book:

A Pavlovian student named Zell
Trained girls to respond to a bell
By shedding their clothes
And assuming the pose.
He claims that it works rather well.


.
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Old 08-19-2011, 07:02 PM   #8
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Yay, Asimov! Humanists are sexy, especially when they have mutton chops. ^_^
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Old 08-19-2011, 07:16 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger View Post
"Rick Perry is living proof that 'Manos: The Hands Of Fate' is not even remotely the worst thing to ever come out of Texas." -- Frank Conniff
I love this because I get the reference and how awful that movie was. Oh, TV's Frank.
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Old 08-20-2011, 06:58 AM   #10
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I love getting TV's Frank in my Twitter and Facebook streams.

"Rick Perry now in GOP race. Because electing an arrogant Texas Governor President worked out so well for us in the past." -- Frank Conniff

"GOP slams Obama's Martha's Vineyard vacation. They'd denounce it from the floor of Congress, but they're all on vacation." -- Frank Conniff

"Rick Perry's campaign slogan: "Rick Perry: The GOP Asshole You're A Little Less Sick Of." -- Frank Conniff

"Michele Bachmann wins Iowa Straw Poll! Was just congratulated by previous straw poll winner, ex-President Pat Robertson." -- Frank Conniff
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
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Old 08-20-2011, 10:21 AM   #11
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And, because it's timely ...

"Rick Perry just released a campaign film that expresses his idealized vision of the modern world, 'Conan The Barbarian'." -- Frank Conniff

.
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
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and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-21-2011, 12:47 AM   #12
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MST3K rocks.
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Old 08-21-2011, 04:39 AM   #13
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The former members of MST3K have formed two ventures (RiffTrax and Cinematic Titanic). I can't wait until Cinematic Titanic sets a live performace tour date for Houston. I'll buy tickets the first day they are available ... plus, it will allow me to complete my autograph collection!

NO FAIR! I just looked at their tour schedule. They're making a return visit to Milwaukee ... and they haven't been to Houston ONCE! *sobs*

==============================================

"GOP candidates deny Jon Huntsman's charge they are 'anti-science.' They prefer to think of themselves as 'pro-ignorance'." -- Frank Conniff

.
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
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and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-23-2011, 02:20 AM   #14
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Whats scary is you don't need that cartoon above...

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Old 08-23-2011, 10:01 AM   #15
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Oh my fucking god...
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Old 08-24-2011, 05:40 AM   #16
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Yep, that's the guy. The same guy who carries a hunting pistol with a targeting laser when he goes jogging (I posted that story here earlier this year.)
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
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the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-24-2011, 06:39 AM   #17
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"There was a 5.8 earthquake in Washington. Obama wanted it to be 3.4, but Republicans wanted 5.8, so he compromised." -- @TheTweetOfGod
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
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the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-24-2011, 07:50 PM   #18
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"POLL: Rick Perry Leading Among Voters Who Describe Themselves as Unable to Tie Shoes" -- Andy Borowitz
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
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and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-26-2011, 01:17 AM   #19
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http://www.reuters.com/article/2011/...77P0JX20110826

Rick Perry labels Washington "a seedy place"

Quote:
"Look, I am not an establishment figure -- never have been and frankly I don't want to be. I dislike Washington. I think it's a seedy place,"
It's a seedy place, which explains why he wants to be there so much.

Also, claiming you are anti-establishment while in a high ranking establishment office while running for the highest establishment office seems a contradictory at the least.
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Old 08-26-2011, 07:58 AM   #20
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Loosely related, but funny:

"Dick Cheney is 70 years old. I bet he doesn't smell like a typical old person. I imagine him smelling like metal, gasoline and crime." -- Alan Tudyk
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
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and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-27-2011, 01:37 AM   #21
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http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/...543ffba099c605

Bachmann is going to soon pass Palin when it comes to stupid things said and done.

First off she went into a sub shop called 'Angies' and read off a per-rehearsed speech about Subway. She either couldn't or wouldn't change her speech and continued to harp on about how great Subway was and how it was helping the economy. The staff and customers continually corrected her.

I would be pretty pissed off if some candidate came into my locally owned small town mom and pop shop with cameras in tow and then starting spewing about how my largest multi-national competitor was a great place and how they were helping the economy.

But then she decided to say she supported the idea of lowering the minimum wage so America could compete with India and China. So...lower it to $0.55 an hour then? Really?

It's like she doesn't think before she says things, or does and is so disconnected with reality she has no clue.
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Old 08-30-2011, 12:08 AM   #22
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.

"According to Michelle Bachmann, God is blackmailing Washington with disasters into cutting social programs that help the needy. Sounds right." -- Alan Tudyk

.

"Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that." -- Andy Borowitz

.

"Discovering that Dick Cheney wrote a book is like cleaning up after your dog only to find he's taken another shit." -- Andy Borowitz

.

Gaddafi Found Running for Republican Nomination

“In those final days in Tripoli he was becoming increasingly disconnected from reality,” said the aide. “So I think he’ll fit right in.”

.
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-30-2011, 02:23 AM   #23
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I must admit many of those quotes have made me chuckle, and I have been forced to rip them off and repost them elsewhere.
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Old 08-30-2011, 03:51 AM   #24
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Rip away. I have been fortunate to collect a good list of humorists and comedians on Facebook and Twitter, and I only have their material to share because they are generous enough to share it in the first place.

I have tried to build a balanced collection, but it's hard to find funny conservative voices. Oh, Andy Borowitz does his best to make fun of both political parties, but the Republicans just give him so much more material.

I used to love P. J. O'Rourke, the one-time National Lampoon managing editor and writer of such memorable articles as "How to Drive Fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink", as a conservative humorist. But he's been somewhat muted in recent years (he's fiscally conservative but somewhat socially empathetic), particularly since George Bush Jr.'s presidential term got into high gear. I do need to pick up his 2010 book "Don't Vote! - It Just Encourages The Bastards" to read one of these days.

"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." — P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores

"The idea of a news broadcast once was to find someone with information and broadcast it. The idea now is to find someone with ignorance and spread it around." - P.J. O'Rourke, Peace Kills : America's Fun New Imperialism

"When a government controls both the economic power of individuals and the coercive power of the state ... This violates a fundamental rule of happy living: Never let the people with all the money and the people with all the guns be the same people." - P.J. O'Rourke, Eat The Rich

"We’re told cars are dangerous. It’s safer to drive through South Central Los Angeles than to walk there. We’re told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the ground for millions of years. We’re told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But it’s hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald’s from a speeding train. And we’re told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?" - P.J. O'Rourke, Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut

Anyway, right now the conservatives are just more fun to make fun of, and deservedly so.
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 08-30-2011, 04:16 AM   #25
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.

"They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I gaze into Rick Perry's eyes ... and feel like I should flush." -- Ben Lahnger

.
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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