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Old 10-11-2010, 01:43 AM   #1
Versus
 
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House of Blood.

So I dug up an old blog/rant I wrote about a killer B movie that I thought I would share. It's very long and full of spelling and grammar errors, but I really don't feel like proof-reading something I wrote years ago at 2:40 AM.

Quote:
So Paul decides to rent some movies. Scary Movie 4, House of Wax, and House of Blood. The first two were pretty much as expected. Scary Movie 4 spoofed the most recent remake of War of the worlds, The grude, SAW, and I think some movie called The Village? I can't remember. It wasn't very good, but I didn't expect it to be. House of Wax was your typical serial killer movie. Some guys with a dark past that decide to run around and scare the crap out of teenagers. It wasn't great, but it had a few "HAHA! PWNED!" moments. Then there's House of Blood, and the point of this blog. The cover depicts an old ring door knocker thing in the shape of a skull with big ol' horns and fangs. The door is coated liberally with blood stains. You're first thought it "Oh, a demon runs around and kills teenagers. Sounds good." The back reads as follows:

"The Secret Dies Here

Straps lashed across each bed. Chains bolted
to every wall. And a creepy backwoods family
muttering bizarre satanic curses. From the
outside, this isolated hunting lodge looked
like the perfect hideout. But inside, four
ruthless convicts and their terrified hostage
are about to uncover the deadly ancient
curse that lives within the blood-spattered
walls, a horrifying secret no one has yet
lived to tell - nor ever will."

Seems decent. Everyone loves creepy red-necks who spend their time worshiping satan, right? In truth, it's awfully misleading. I'm going to write what it's REALLY about because it was that damn wrong.

The movie starts by shifting between this man waking up in the morning and a car driving down a densly forrested interstate. As the man waking up looks at his watch, the camera shifts to the driver and you see they have the same watch, and are the same person. The car continues to drive as the credits roll, and spuradicly you see a rather gaudy cross falling to the ground in the woods, a convict blowing a law enforcement agents head off with a shotgun (you actually see it get blown off, so this is the first of many "HAHA! PWNED!" moments), a crow falling to the ground in the forrest that lands head first on a rock (What the fuck?), and more convicts killing people. This is what I gathered while I was at the computer messing around with picture's of someone in photoshop. About 10 minutes later something is actually happening. The convicts are now in the woods with a hostage (the man in the car at first) and they are yelling at him to fix their buddy. He explains that he needs "proffensional treatment" at a hospital and, of course, the convicts point guns at his face and tell him in numerious ways that they will blow his face off if he doesn't "fix" their buddy. This is about 10 minutes long. They finally decide they want to go to Canada because the border is only a few days away walking. Problem is their buddy isn't going to make it that long, but they don't really care what the hostage (who is a doctor if you didn't catch on) has to say. The movie then shifts to a shoot out at a tipped over convicts transport bus, revealing what is wrong with "Spence's" arm. They miraculously find a crashed car with a doctor in it, and decide to take him along. The movie shifts back to them in the woods as they find a small house. This is where the movie gets weird.

They see a woman outside slit a goats neck, then put this black goowy stuff on and heal it. The convicts are like "lawl lets go in." They bust in and find a family of about 9-10 eating dinner. They're like "STFU OR WE'LL KILL YOU!" and stuff. The thing is, this house is like... one big room. It's more of a shack. It doesn't have any appliances or light bulbs. You can tell right away that the family is a throw back to the 1700's when they talk in old english. The doctor tells the convicts that he needs to amputate spence's arm because he doesn't have the crap he needs to fix it. They're like "NO!" and he's like "THEN SHOOT ME!" and they start fighting again. Finally they decide to let him do it, and he does with the help of one of the family members (Alice). It wasn't terribly gruesome, but you do see someone's arm getting sawed off with a machette so that's pretty cool. When he's done, the doctor uses that black goopy stuff to stop spence's stump from bleeding too much, and throws the arm in a bucket. One of the family members tells them they need to burn the arm right away and leave. It was a little difficult to take all of it in because they speaketh liketh a dark age peasent. They say a few things about god, and suddenly one of the children goes rabbid and is screaming like a dinasour. Seriously. A dinasour. They chain her to a bed, and throw the bucket with the arm in a back room. The doctor pulls out the same gaudy cross from the beginning of the movie and kisses it, praying he isn't killed.

They talk some more, and suddenly they hear weird noises comming from that room a bit later. One of them decides to check it out, and he finds one of the family members munchin on spence's recently departed arm. He's like "ZOMG!!" and starts to shoot. He comes out and tells them and everyone's like "ZOMG WTF" Then, the guy that just got shot up is walking out there with them speaking more about God. His face is a knock off of vampire's from the Buffy TV series. The convicts aptly begin to hose his ass in slow motion. I mean they just unload on him while he does the chaingun cha-cha. Blood and parts flying everywhere. When the freaky drops, suddenly everyone in that famliy but Alice is a vampire and they bum rush the convicts. I'm seeing this and sayinh "OOOOOHHHH! Mormon vampires! Neat!" then the selling point to this movie occurs.

One of the mormon vampires charges a convict with a front flip. My facial expression was "o_O??!!" The camera pans in slow motion to a mormon vampire charging a convict with an axe. The convict dodges and spins around to hack the mormon vampire now behind him.... but no. The mormon vampire... runs up the wall, and does a back-flip, landing behind the convict..... "VAMPIRE MORMON NINJAS!!!!!!" I scream. This movie has been upgrades to awsome status. The next 10 minutes are just blood bath after blood bath. After Paul and I stopped laughing hystericly, I comment "Wait... they are killing characters WAY too fast. There is just the hostage and Alice left, but the movie stills has over an hour left on it. What the fuck could possibly happen now?" Well it's suddenly night, and Alice helps the hostage escape. Unfortunatly, she is converged on and assumed dead. The doctor hostage guy now runs through the woods in the dark and I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the "Vampire Mormon Ninjas chase the doctor through the woods at night scene." It doesn't come. D: The doctor runs into a S.W.A.T. (What the fuck? lol) unit that was sent after the convicts.
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Old 10-11-2010, 01:44 AM   #2
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Quote:
They take him to jail, and the next scene is split between the doctor on a bus in an inmate jumpsuit and him being interrogated by the police in their small room. You find out that He's on that SAME densly forrested interstate highway, and that they found five different people's blood on his cloths and don't know where it came from. They don't believe his monster story, so they claim him to be a suspect to murder and collaberator with the escape inmates. They decide it's a good idea to send him back to seattle in a maximim secuirity prison for 30 days? What the hell? Anyway. So he's on this bus with criminals and they talk to him for a bit to introduce 4 more characters. Articulate french fat bald guy, white fat bald guy ..2, 6 foot tall red neck guy, and pretty boy mexican guy who says "WOOO!" too much. They pretty much discuss why the doctor is with them (they don't belive him, of course) The movie then switches AGAIN to a woman driving a car. She hits a deer and stops in the middle of the road. She gets out for no apparent reason, and is then suddenly hit by the convict bus on the same road. Let's analyze this for a moment.

"Oh no! I hit a deer I CLEARLY saw in the road from 500 yards away at 60 miles per hour. I think I should stop my car that, by some miracle, is still in tact in the middle of the road to get out and see that I have, in fact, hit a deer I clearly saw from 500 yards away at 60 miles per hour." She gets out the car and stands in the middle of the road and is completly shocked. What's going through her head is "OH MY GOD! I HIT A DEER THAT I CLEARLY SAW FROM FIVE HUNDRED YARDS AWAY IN MY CAR MOVING AT SIXTY MILES PER HOUR!" At the same time, a bus SUDDENLY hits her. What the fuck. HOW?! "Hey, is that a woman in the road who stopped her car and got out because she clearly saw a deer at 500 yards away while driving at 60 miles per hour and decided to investigate because she hit it and REALLY didn't believe what happened? Must be my eyes playing tricks on mOH FUCK THE BUS IS FPLIPPING OVER." /rant off. Anyway.

So the bus full of convicts kills all the guards, and for some reason there are four left alive and a doctor. One of them randomly gets shot in his junk, so they take the doctor along to try and treat him. They run around the forrest and decide to head north to Canada. Yes. It's not just your imagination. The entire movie is repeating itself. They arrive at the cabin again, but this time it seems no one is home. They look around to find Alice chained to a wall, and decide it's a good idea to ask about where the others are, then **** her. The doctor works on fat bald guy ..2's shot up balls while articulate french fat bald guy talks to alice.

Apparently the others are outside "Feeding." They've secluded themselves from humanity for hundreds of years and have been starving themselves from human blood, trying to ween off it, I guess. The movie switches to this weird dream like place that depicts the dcotor as a boy talking to Alice in a nighttime forrest. She says something along the lines of "I can't go with you. D:" She gives him a guady cross, and he gives her a music box of a chimpanzee with zymols (the kind that you hold in your hands and crash together to make a cacophonous noise) Well The doctor is finished pulling a bullet out of fat bald guy ..2's scrotem, and sees Alice with that same music box and is like "So it was you..." (What. The. Fuck.) Alice has nothing more to say, so all that's next is to **** her. Before Anyone gets their pants off, the vampire mormon ninjas appear by front flipping through their own windows. They see people in their house and are like "HUH?! The next 10 minutes is them getting shot to hell, and hacked up with a bunch of farming tools as well as a CHAINSAW pretty boy mexican guy who says "WOOOO!" too much just randomly finds on the floor. Of course this doesn't *really* kill them, so all the convicts die and it's just the doctor and Alice left again. Alice sets one of them on fire (I can't even remember how, and honestly I stopped carring when the vampire mormon ninjas decide it would be cool to come home by front flipping through their own fucking windows) and they run off through the woods. The movie then switches between them running, a a crow falling and cracking it's head on a rock, and that that weird hazy dream thing. They make it to the interstate and... get this. Seriously.

The doctor is hit by a bus full of convicts. He says to Alice in that weird dream "I have to go. I'll see you again someday. D:" One of the convicts shoots Alice in the head, and she gets up as a vampire. The end. Seriously. The end. That's it. I'm not kidding. There is nothing more. Here's what the back of the movie case should read with a few, more accurate, modifications:

"Shack of Blood.

Bad drivers. Repititious plot lines and
hooks. And a fucking awsome family of
vampire morman ninjas that talk crypticly
and spuradicly. From the outside, this isolated
hunting lodge a short jog away from a busy
interstate highway looked like a perfect hideout
to idiots. But inside, four ruthless convicts and
their terrified hostage are about to uncover the
"HAHA! PWNED!" ancient curse that lives within
the horrible script-spattered walls. Twice. A horrifying
secret that is never actually revealed and no one has yet
to tell. Except Alice. Nor Ever will. Except Alice."

B movies. FUCK YEAH.
I know. "Cool Story, Bro!"
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:37 PM   #3
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House of Blood

here are events that set off a chain reaction and sets a series of events into motion. Dr. Doug Madsen must've pissed off the gods in some .
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