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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 08-04-2010, 07:41 PM   #1
Darkemostar
 
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When Angels Fall

Sometimes I feel all alone even when there's people all arround me
How I sometimes ask myself
Sometimes I fall and don't feel it people wonder what's wrong with me
they always ask but I say nothing
Some beleve that I belong with demonds others beleve that I belong with
angels I tell them I'm not human, most don't beleve they don't have my life
some of my friends don't beleve
How was I chosen, I was told by my spirit friends how there are only three I trust one was there the day I was born she is Pebbles my guardian angel, three months after I was born my grandfather died he became my second guardian angel his name is Chuck, and the last one came the day I turned
twelve he came in a dream he is not a full angel he's half angel half vampire
he is my immortal friend who is always by my side he doesn't have a name but I call him Vampire Boy
All my life I have been with spirits sometimes they are the only ones I sense
even when there are other people with me
According to the spirits I am a Vampire-Angel
It is true I know it and one human knows that it's true.
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Old 08-05-2010, 05:11 PM   #2
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Really NO comments Except this one! I NEED some Criticism!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 08-05-2010, 06:08 PM   #3
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Miss Darkmonster (you are a girl, right?), thanks for sharing with us. I'm not exactly sure what to make of your submission, but I'll give you some feedback since no one else has commented. This sounds more like a monologue/soliloquy than a poem to me. You never wrote that it was intended to be a poem though. Perhaps you're just expressing your own thoughts?

I can definitely relate to some of the things that you mentioned: the feeling of being alone in a crowd, of being different, and of having a spiritual purpose. 'Very interesting topics. Some of your conclusions sound a bit far-fetched to me, but that's ok. 'No problem; you're young and creative. Don't think I'm trying to be condescending. I don't believe in vampires in any usual sense, but I DO believe in the spiritual world. I especially wonder what you mean when you write, "I tell them I'm not human..."

Anyway, if this is a poem, just let me know, and I'll give you some constructive criticism from a technical standpoint. And by the way, welcome to gnet.
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Old 08-07-2010, 04:45 PM   #4
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Thank you, and by I tell them I'm not human... means that I don't feel human. This is a poem but it's free verse.
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Old 08-07-2010, 05:54 PM   #5
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Miss Darkmonster (you are a girl, right?)
Funny, but yes I am a girl! And you spelt my name wrong ( just politely pointing that out to you )
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Old 08-07-2010, 06:19 PM   #6
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Really NO comments Except this one! I NEED some Criticism!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my fucking god. Girl.

THIS IS PRICELESS. Thank you for making me and my gfs night so far. Seriously, you need not only a writing class but some SERIOUS help.
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Old 08-08-2010, 09:57 AM   #7
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Oh my fucking god. Girl.

THIS IS PRICELESS. Thank you for making me and my gfs night so far. Seriously, you need not only a writing class but some SERIOUS help.
@ Sinjob: Get the Fuck out of here and leave me alone!
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:42 AM   #8
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I can't leave you alone.

You're already all alone.

You're emo.
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:45 AM   #9
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I admit it i'm emo in two of the three ways i bite myself and i'm emotional but i do not cut!
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:46 AM   #10
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Really? You're only cool if you're goth I hope you know. But the coolest people cut themselves.

Like I said, you're all alone.
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:50 AM   #11
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I don't care!
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:50 AM   #12
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I don't care!
Ah apathy. And with this you will continue to let yourself go til you snap up and grow out of it. Retard.
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:52 AM   #13
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Asshole!!!
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:53 AM   #14
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Asshole!!!
Spend your time wisely with a gun and some bullets.

Play Russian Roulette! only with a loaded gun instead of one!
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Old 08-08-2010, 11:05 AM   #15
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Darkemostar, maybe you should just ignore Sinjob, while i find what he does funny, he only keeps it up because you react.
Oh and about the bit about biting yourself, it doesn't matter whether it's biting or cutting, self-mutilation is never something to be proud of or brag about. I personally believe that people who do it and make a show of it don't know what it means to be that miserable.

Onto the work at hand. Punctuation, line breaks and spelling. Those are the three consistent problems I notice with your work. There is no excuse for spelling errors, especially not when you're on a computer, Ok, maybe there is one reason but that is rare, spell check and auto correct are standard on computers, you should also be double checking your posts.

Punctuation, so far everything I've read that you posted has confused me because while I think I might know where you meant there to be a pause I'm not certain and this is where you as the author are failing your reader because I should be able to flow through your work smoothly and pick up your meaning and emotion through pauses and breaks, as well as periods and other punctuation. This right now reads like one long run on sentence, I won't even call it train of thought because even in our minds there are pauses and definite stops.

Content wise it's very interesting because I think a lot of us here feel similar or can at least relate to parts and pieces of what this reveals. Unfortunately I can't talk much about the content because I can't tell whether you are celebrate the fact that you have these differences or if it upsets you, just like your other piece this one is flat and has no emotion.

What I would honestly suggest if you really want to improve is to join a poetry writing workshop in your school or hometown, so you really can work on these issues.
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Old 08-08-2010, 11:14 AM   #16
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No offence darkemostar, but you sound so emo at times but still you call your self a goth, just to save your self from embarrassment make this in to a blog and not a thread that has no point to other because you will get some harsh criticism. Your spelling is horrible get a spell check or a dictionary when you type and learn from your mistakes. If I were you I'll check up on the emo subculture becuase your emo friends seem to have a big influence on you and its really clear that your idea about goth is way way off.
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Old 08-08-2010, 11:21 AM   #17
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No offence darkemostar, but you sound so emo at times but still you call your self a goth, just to save your self from embarrassment make this in to a blog and not a thread that has no point to other because you will get some harsh criticism. Your spelling is horrible get a spell check or a dictionary when you type and learn from your mistakes. If I were you I'll check up on the emo subculture becuase your emo friends seem to have a big influence on you and its really clear that your idea about goth is way way off.
you say no offense but you're coming off majorly harsh here, considering I've read your reactions and watched threads where you felt you were being attacked by others, you should really review what your writing and take the attitude out of your words. you come off very "high and mighty" here.

And the point of the literature thread is to post things because you want others to read it and you want criticism on how to improve what you do. It's a given that not all of it is going to be positive.
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Old 08-08-2010, 11:26 AM   #18
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Hey I'm helping here and I am not trying to be "high and mighty". The truth could be harsh. Hey after reading two of her poems and seeing the criticism given its best that she dose not post any more poems.
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Old 08-08-2010, 11:33 AM   #19
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Hey I'm helping here and I am not trying to be "high and mighty". The truth could be harsh. Hey after reading two of her poems and seeing the criticism given its best that she dose not post any more poems.
How is that helping? Helping would be showing her where the problem is in her writing and suggesting ways to make it better to fix it, not telling her that she should just stop posting it. BTW that's not a truth that's an opinion. the truth is that she is learning and trying and needs guidance and CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

And I didn't say you were BEING high and mighty I said what you saying COMES OFF as being high and mighty, those are two very different things.
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Old 08-08-2010, 11:45 AM   #20
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whatever azarael,
Darkemostar your spelling if off (like I said before). Since its free verse you have to stick with the topic, you cant one minute talk about an apple and then switch off to a chair the next. Put in transitions, your words have to relate to each other. "vampire boy" err...personally I don't like it and his description that you gave of him partly matches to his name. If hes half vampire and angel get a creative name for him.
Hows that for constructive criticism!
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Old 08-22-2010, 11:03 AM   #21
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Really? You're only cool if you're goth I hope you know. But the coolest people cut themselves.

Like I said, you're all alone.
Yeah well only you think so. She has a BFF who's on here RIGHT NOW that's gonna kick your ass if you don't leave her alone!!!!!
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:21 PM   #22
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Yeah well only you think so. She has a BFF who's on here RIGHT NOW that's gonna kick your ass if you don't leave her alone!!!!!
Dear me, that sounds rather like a threat. However, I cannot help but wonder at the emphasis that you, oh bosom chum and companion of Ms. Darkemostar, place on being present on the board "RIGHT NOW". Does such an assertion imply that Mr. Sinjob is at greater risk of imminent physical harm due to your virtual vehemence?

*ponders*
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Old 08-24-2010, 05:04 PM   #23
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Dear me, that sounds rather like a threat. However, I cannot help but wonder at the emphasis that you, oh bosom chum and companion of Ms. Darkemostar, place on being present on the board "RIGHT NOW". Does such an assertion imply that Mr. Sinjob is at greater risk of imminent physical harm due to your virtual vehemence?

*ponders*
Sinjob has made me mad I told my friend and logged on gave the laptop to her and of course, she was pissed that sinjob was saying mean things about me she isn't only my bff she is my sister my twin. And if any more of you people are going to give me shit I will get Lady Dewinter and my Sister. My teeth are sharp so you beter watch out!

@Sinjob: You not only made me, Lady Dewinter, and my friends mad but you also made my sister the maddest. The fight is on come prepaire, and be ready to be bitten. You're going down!
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Old 08-25-2010, 02:00 AM   #24
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Don't be that way, baby. Come lie on my boner quietly like a good girl. Your sister is welcome to join us if she'd like.
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Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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Old 08-25-2010, 06:53 AM   #25
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And if any more of you people are going to give me shit I will get Lady Dewinter and my Sister. My teeth are sharp so you beter watch out!
I tremble in fear.

*sips tea and goes back to reading the morning paper*
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