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Old 01-13-2006, 04:44 PM   #4876
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I have to poop but I'm at work so I don't dare.
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Old 01-13-2006, 05:09 PM   #4877
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manimal
I have to poop but I'm at work so I don't dare.
For you and all the other Men that Fear the Work Poop!

How to Poop at Work
(brought to you by the almost funny crew)


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.

If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.




Source

Last edited by Empty_Purple_Stars; 01-13-2006 at 05:15 PM.
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Old 01-13-2006, 05:53 PM   #4878
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I like to tint the t.v greeen, and insist that I like it that way. I saw that in a chain letter, and had to try it, it's hilarious.
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Old 01-13-2006, 06:24 PM   #4879
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scythan
Today is my two year anniversary with my boyfriend.
Happy Anniversary!!

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Old 01-13-2006, 06:29 PM   #4880
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WolfMoon
Happy Anniversary!!

Thanks, WolfMoon. :P
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Old 01-13-2006, 07:13 PM   #4881
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Yes yes, best aniversary wishes to you!
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Old 01-14-2006, 04:35 AM   #4882
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Happy 2 Year Anniversary! My fondest hope is that he proves worthy of many more celebrations. Did he remember it? LOL!
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Old 01-14-2006, 11:12 AM   #4883
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We both almost forgot! Somehow we started talking about how long we've been together and I was like, wait... it's tomorrow! Haha. We went for dinner and a movie, but since we didn't have much time to plan anything, we are doing something bigger next weekend.

Thanks, guys! He is definitely worthy.
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Old 01-14-2006, 03:14 PM   #4884
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I wanted to take a moment to remember, thank and salute Chief Warrant Officer Hugh Thompson Jr.

I didn't want to put this in Politics or one of the other sections, as I am not making a commentary or encouraging a debate about politics, military morality or any other such thing. I just wanted to post one simple, elegant note in appreciation of one of the most courageous people I have ever heard of. And I wanted to put it where I knew the most people would see it.

The following text comes from a part of www.thisistrue.com called the Honorable Unsubscription section.

While a U.S. Army helicopter pilot in Vietnam, on March 16, 1968, Chief Warrant Officer Thompson witnessed U.S. troops shooting and killing unarmed civilians. To stop the carnage, he landed his aircraft between the troops and the civilians. Then, covered by his crew chief, Glenn Andreotta, and his door gunner, Lawrence Colburn, Thompson got out and confronted the troops' commanding officer. Then, he helped evacuate the injured civilians to hospitals. He was just 24 years old. "These people were looking at me for help and there was no way I could turn my back on them," he said years later. What he stopped is now simply known as the My Lai Massacre; more than 500 civilians died. Yet Thompson was pilloried for his actions: he was shunned by fellow officers, told by a U.S. Congressman that only one soldier deserved to be punished for My Lai -- Thompson himself -- and saw the murderers' commanding officer serve just three years in prison. It wasn't until 1998 that the Army, under public pressure once Thompson's role became clear, decorated Thompson, Andreotta and Colburn, awarding them the Soldier's Medal, the highest honor for bravery not involving enemy conflict. Andreotta died in combat shortly after My Lai. Thompson died from cancer on January 6 at age 62.

I saw a TV program last week that featured recent interviews with Thompson and Colburn. After the incident at My Lai, these men were sent out on several airborn missions (Thompson estimated 5 or 6) without adequate support or backup. It has been speculated that this may have been a contributing factor in Andreotta's death.

In recent years the military has had Thompson speak to classes at Annapolis and West Point on how to behave moraly while being the best soldier you can be. Spokesmen for those schools said that his contributions have been invaluable.

I have spent many, many, many hours contemplating the nature of courage and heroism. Long ago I wondered about people who act in a crisis to save other people's lives, and if I would have what it takes to do the right thing if the time ever came. It has been in my thoughts so often, that I think I might someday be writing a book about it.

And I've spent a lot of time defining heroism. We call athletes and actors heroes. We call supermodels and stand-up comedians heroes. We call teachers and parents heroes. I think the word has been spread so thin it has no real power or meaning. Yes, many of those people can be admired, and I would like to think everyone deserves teachers and parents that they love and respect as role-models.

But risking your life to save another is a whole different level of virtue. And a parent might run into a burning building to save their own child ... that is certainly to be praised. But it is not heroic in my book ... after all, that is THEIR child and I would hope they would save their own child. It is the person who runs into a burning building to save a complete stranger's child that receives my highest admiration.

As I've contemplated writing my book for a few years, I've expressed my beliefs to friends and summed it up by saying that when it comes to heroes, fire fighters are the gold standard. Well, if fire fighters are the gold standard, then Hugh Thompson Jr is the platinum standard. I know at the age of 24 that I could never have done what he did.

I just wanted to mention him, and didn't want this to become a big multi-post deal that someone will then want to move to another section, so I'm going to follow this with a completely unrelated joke.
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 01-14-2006, 03:15 PM   #4885
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Truth In Advertising?

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Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!

As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 01-14-2006, 05:51 PM   #4886
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I love that picture. But I also have a new passion. That passion is just this, rolling my own smokes. I swear it is cheap and the tobacco is very tasty and pleasant especially the more pricey blends. You can get about 36-50 for the cheapest 1.99. Thats a good deal. I love making my own smokes, gives me a sense of accomplishment. Though if I dies from smoking could it be considered suicide since I rolled them myself? Or would I be my own death advisor, in that if I wanted to smoke 36 I could roll them or control how many I smoked? As I light up my next, I declare it in the name of Leary.
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Old 01-14-2006, 06:23 PM   #4887
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I suppose this could be randomness... But. Everyone fav. alcoholic beverage?

Hot days - Fosters
Cold Days - Bass Ale, Old Engine Oil (Scottish Stout), Guinness.
Nights- Scotch

But I have to many.
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Old 01-14-2006, 06:28 PM   #4888
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is it just me, or does this statue look like manimal?

http://www.sideshowtoy.com/cgi-bin/c..._12&item=20221

cannibal - i'm gonna go out on a limb here... but your favorite alcohol question and answer would probably fit better on the 'favorite liquor and mixers thread'.
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Old 01-14-2006, 06:39 PM   #4889
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No worries on that. And you are quite correct. I made that mistake once but we are only human. And being impulsive at times on a thread such as this you do not think. So no worries and if it is moved go for it or deleted. Thank you for being more precise than I.
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Old 01-14-2006, 06:49 PM   #4890
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actually, i didn't make myself clear and came across as kind of a dick now that i re-read what i wrote. what i meant to say was - there's a thread for that, in case you were interested.
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Old 01-14-2006, 07:30 PM   #4891
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We all can be dicks sometimes.
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Old 01-14-2006, 07:31 PM   #4892
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I know that now but I have a tendancy not to think about those things at times. Plus I am fairly new so no worries. I welcome anything corrections or suggestions. And you did not sound like a dick. -thumbs up=
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Old 01-14-2006, 07:55 PM   #4893
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I just realized that I was being a dick earlier today.
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Old 01-14-2006, 08:23 PM   #4894
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-whistles a tune- A perfect song for such occasions.

Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the light side of life.
[whistle]

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
[whistle]
Always look on the right side of life,
[whistle]

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So,...

Always look on the bright side of death,
[whistle]
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
[whistle]

Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
[whistle]

Always look on the bright side of life!
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Old 01-15-2006, 08:07 AM   #4895
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well i was going to say i was in a freaking fantastic mood but i just read that u.a.w thread.
now i feel ill and really pissed off.
for shame.

RANDOMNESS = COCONUTS!!!
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Old 01-15-2006, 09:50 AM   #4896
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Coconuts=twinkies
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Old 01-15-2006, 11:15 AM   #4897
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awww darkangel! so sweet
thank you. *smiles and blushes*
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Old 01-15-2006, 04:27 PM   #4898
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cannibalnuns - nice Monty Python reference!
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As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.


Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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Old 01-15-2006, 05:58 PM   #4899
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Quote:
Originally Posted by edible_eye
sirius radio kicks ass. and just an fyi - you can log onto sirius.com and use your subscription through your pc. for example, right now i'm listening to one of the metal stations while i'm typing. they don't have the stern show over the computer just yet - i'm hoping it's a bandwidth issue and it'll be resolved soon.[/img]

Thanks. I got one after I heard Stern bans all his employees from cursing on the air. I am no prude but part of the fun of the old show was them trying to describe something and not get in trouble!

I can't believe all the music channels that are on there. The classic country is a big deal for me, although I obviously got it mainly for Stern. Techno, Aternative, classic versions of those, even hair metal!

I was hoping sooo bad that Phil Hendrie would be on Sirius because he is the best radio show EVAH, but I just found out I can subscribe to his show on the net for $6 a month and download them to my PSP.


Tomorrow at work will tell me if I made the right choice or not. I found out the guys in the shop in the back of our company's warehouse have Sirius out there and they are on the north side (Sirius suggests you have your antenna in sight of the southern sky) hell, theirs isn't even outside, so I am hoping that I get a decent signal there.
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Old 01-15-2006, 07:33 PM   #4900
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Heehee.

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