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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 08-07-2010, 05:38 PM   #1
Darkemostar
 
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As If

As if I could be happy
As if my grandfather never died
As if I didn't feel pain
As if someone could make me laugh
As if I were dead
As if I never existed
As if I don't belong
As if I killed myself
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Old 08-07-2010, 05:59 PM   #2
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Cher Horowitz was totally crushing on the brooding intellectual from her English class-- with his thick eyeliner, black nailpolish, and titillatingly morbid musings. But how could she get his attention? "That's it!" She thought, "THE POETRY READING!"
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Old 08-08-2010, 10:03 AM   #3
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Listen if anybody else is going to give me fucking shit about my poems get the fuck out of here and leave me alone!
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Old 08-08-2010, 11:59 AM   #4
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This one is pretty good, although I wish there was more of a connection between the lines, and a simple reordering can fix that.
I'd like to provide and example of what i mean but i don't want to touch the work without your permission.
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Old 08-09-2010, 07:44 AM   #5
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Azareal Crow I will give you permission to touch my work and help me, I never turn down help all they have to do is ask! Thankx for being supportive!
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Old 08-09-2010, 08:38 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkemostar View Post
Azareal Crow I will give you permission to touch my work and help me, I never turn down help all they have to do is ask! Thankx for being supportive!
Don't you think you guys should get dinner first?
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Old 08-09-2010, 02:57 PM   #7
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Really Sinjob I don't eat because I don't have to!
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:04 PM   #8
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@ Sinjob: Real mature! One I ment the poem! Two I don't eat (Never wanting food.). Three you have a sick mind! And four GO TO HELL YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD!
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:14 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinjob View Post
Don't you think you guys should get dinner first?
and here I thought I could make anything dirty.


Darkemostar, unfortunately rearranging it didn't have the results I would have like, It still feels clumsy and I found myself wanting to just rewrite it.

As if I never existed
As if I didn't feel pain
As if I were dead
As if my grandfather never died
As if someone could make me laugh
As if I could be happy
As if I don't belong
As if I killed myself

In rearranging it I'm noticing other weak points your poem had, the constant repetition of "as if" and the constant repetition of the image and idea of you dieing.
reworking the piece as a whole and trying to find another way to express the same emotion and idea without being so repetitive and list-y is strongly recommended.
I really wish i could sit down with you and explain this to you face to face, because I'm having a really hard time critiquing this.
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:24 PM   #10
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Thank you for trying to help and i wish i could sit down and listen to you face to face too
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:26 PM   #11
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You're in New York, NY and i'm in East Bethel, MN how are we going to make that work out???(If it was possiable)
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:30 PM   #12
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I don't think it's going to, just keep practicing, read a lot of poetry and look into joining a writing workshop. you still have a lot of time to learn.
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Old 08-09-2010, 03:31 PM   #13
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Ok I will but thankx for trying to help me with my poetry.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:09 PM   #14
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actually I think azareal crow just changing the order helps it alot, not bad that way. i think you need to read your stuff aloud to yourself, get an idea of the rythm and then rewrite, just a thought.
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Old 10-10-2010, 10:16 PM   #15
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That is rather good poetry. If I were you I would'nt let any of the other people here put me down.

**Le sigh** Some of these people don't know how to talk nicely to one another.
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