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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
08-08-2010, 10:13 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 98
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Bitten
I was bitten long ago
Time was slow for me as he'd never show
My skin was glowing and so was my heart untill he broke it
His poison was the bite it pained me like a metal steak percing my heart
He not only perced my heart but he perced my soul.
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08-08-2010, 10:40 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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This is truly brilliant.Just kidding you stupid hoebag
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08-08-2010, 12:06 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 61
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This one really conveys everything I think you've been trying to convey through all your other works, nice. the only change i would suggest is with this line "My skin was glowing and so was my heart untill he broke it" put a line break between my heart and until he broke it.
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08-08-2010, 12:07 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 634
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This one was good and simple I liked it.
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08-08-2010, 02:24 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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Don't try and be nice, guys. Be honest.
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08-08-2010, 02:27 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 61
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinjob
Don't try and be nice, guys. Be honest.
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I am not just being nice, this piece has potential, more so thank most of her other pieces
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08-08-2010, 02:32 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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Then you must lack taste. Considering all the poems out there IDENTICAL to this.
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08-08-2010, 02:39 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 634
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Not really this one makes more sense
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08-08-2010, 02:43 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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Doesn't mean it's good. At all.
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08-08-2010, 02:48 PM
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#10
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 634
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Sin cut her some slack. In this poem she's not complaining and her spelling is ok.
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08-08-2010, 02:51 PM
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#11
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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Still........
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinjob
Doesn't mean it's good. At all.
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08-08-2010, 02:53 PM
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#12
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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I'm not asking or looking for Pulitzer material here (I don't expect it anyway) but either way an opinions an opinion. And like assholes, everyone has one.
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08-08-2010, 02:56 PM
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#13
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 634
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True, but hey she a bit lost help her.
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08-08-2010, 03:31 PM
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#14
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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There are plenty of ways to help someone in the process of writing. I'm the voice telling her a different view and she's getting offended. Of course for most people this is a stopping point but hanging over these masterpieces has made me cement my pride in coming back on this site. Its a damn good laugh.
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08-08-2010, 03:54 PM
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#15
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 634
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Your criticisum is harsh but hey I won't lie they are hilarious
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08-08-2010, 05:55 PM
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#16
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 61
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I never said this piece was good, I'm not one to tell someone that their work is bad tho, I will simply point out what about it works and tell them how to make it better. I simply said that it has more potential than some of her other pieces.
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08-09-2010, 07:51 AM
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#17
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 98
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@ Sinjob: if you wanted to help you could be nicer! Of course i took a lot of it as an offence because i'm easly offended
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08-09-2010, 08:40 AM
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#18
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkemostar
@ Sinjob: if you wanted to help you could be nicer! Of course i took a lot of it as an offence because i'm easly offended
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No shit. After having your cousin send me a HILARIOUS private message threatening me because you were unable to take criticism, you being easily offended is obvious.
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08-09-2010, 02:54 PM
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#19
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 98
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Sinjob leave me alone you,me and my cousin knows what that message contained so shut up and go away!
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08-09-2010, 04:28 PM
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#20
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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You are just retarded. And emo,
Give up all together
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08-10-2010, 03:25 PM
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#21
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 98
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I'll NEVER GIVE UP! Lady Bewinter, Lady Bewinnter's brother, my sister, and I don't like you and they are acutualy nice! A few things you should learn about me is I bite and i'll bite anyone who get's in my way i will fight untill i win you might as well back down or I'll get Lady Bewinter, Lady Bewinter's brother, my sister and all of my friends and allies together and you wouldn't like that!
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08-10-2010, 03:36 PM
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#22
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 2,670
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Writing poetry, or at least posting it on a public forum, should be a capital offense for people with your lack of creative ability.
__________________
You should talk you fugly, cat bashing, psychopathic urinal on two legs...
-Jack_the_knife
I don't hate you. Saying I hate you would be like saying I hate a dog with no legs trying to cross a busy freeway.
-Mr. Filth
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08-10-2010, 07:37 PM
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#23
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 2,932
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Darkemostar
@ Sinjob: if you wanted to help you could be nicer! Of course i took a lot of it as an offence because i'm easly offended
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Children who are rewarded when they don't deserve it grow up to be douchebags.
Sinjob is helping you way more than the assholes who tell you your poems aren't shit.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by KissMeDeadly
You fucking people [war veterans] are only a step below entitled rich kids, the only difference being you had to do and witness horrible things, instead of being given everything.
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real classy
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08-10-2010, 07:44 PM
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#24
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 208
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So, Sinjob, what did the message say?
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08-10-2010, 08:50 PM
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#25
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Fiddler's Green
Posts: 1,406
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JCC.
So, Sinjob, what did the message say?
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hello jack ass this is not dark emo star its her wonderful and love cousin lady Dewinter I well tell you this now she is not a whore and she is not EMO but she is a beautiful young lady and you my dear ass whole of the year are not what you say you are i bet you have never stripped for anyone and you just sit at home online and watch porn!!! so i well tell you to leave her alone or i well have to show you who and what lady Dewinter is!!!!!!!!
<3333333
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