Quote:
Originally Posted by Sinjob
Don't you think you guys should get dinner first?
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and here I thought I could make anything dirty.
Darkemostar, unfortunately rearranging it didn't have the results I would have like, It still feels clumsy and I found myself wanting to just rewrite it.
As if I never existed
As if I didn't feel pain
As if I were dead
As if my grandfather never died
As if someone could make me laugh
As if I could be happy
As if I don't belong
As if I killed myself
In rearranging it I'm noticing other weak points your poem had, the constant repetition of "as if" and the constant repetition of the image and idea of you dieing.
reworking the piece as a whole and trying to find another way to express the same emotion and idea without being so repetitive and list-y is strongly recommended.
I really wish i could sit down with you and explain this to you face to face, because I'm having a really hard time critiquing this.