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Politics "Under democracy, one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule -and both commonly succeed, and are right." -H.L. Menken

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Old 04-16-2013, 02:02 AM   #26
Miss Absynthe
 
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As an aside.. not all D/s dynamics work on the "submissive really has the power" role. Mine definitely don't.
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:30 AM   #27
Acharis
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PortraitOfSanity View Post
If you don't want creepy people following you, might I suggest you not follow any club scene?
I get this sort of thing anywhere and everywhere I go. Have since I was thirteen or fourteen. But thanks for telling me how to woman.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Absynthe View Post
How about we don't resort to victim-blaming in this thread?
Thanks Abby. (I also got pissed enough after that rant to complain to an organiser I hadn't tried before, he was appalled and we're doing something about it.)


...I know very little about BDSM/kink aside from interesting stuff I've read on Pervocracy, but I see people talking about 'topping from the bottom'? Is that what people are saying is happening with the submissive having the control?
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:42 AM   #28
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Archaris, it didn't even cross my mind that you were talking about a club scene. I haven't any experience with such things. I'm hard pressed to just meet new people let alone spend too much time where there are drunk strangers.

P.O.S, that sort of advice is like telling some one who's had food poisoning not to eat. The answer isn't to keep people from eating food, the answer is to make sure the food is handled in a sanitary manner before it is served.
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:48 AM   #29
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It's not all at clubs, and not all the assholes are drunk. Like I said, I've experienced this everywhere... these problems just seem more concentrated over a short period of time in this community, most likely due to geek social fallacies and **** culture.
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Old 06-14-2013, 05:57 PM   #30
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Archaris, all I've got is, "ugh." There is no reason it should ever be acceptable for someone to push themselves on another person who is clearly not interested. I think this problem exists in the BDSM community partially because you have those few people who were jerks/abusers anyway, and who decide that BDSM is a great way to legitimize what they were already doing and pretend it's a lifestyle choice. Again, I am NOT saying this represents the whole BDSM community, just that the few bad apples I have met were very much this type; you could tell they would have been just as disrespectful while wearing khakis at the grocery store.

I also think it doesn't help that there is still a prevailing idea that anyone identifying as female only has value when noticed by a male, and given approval. So women should be flattered when men pursue them relentlessly because it's proof that said women are pretty enough to be worth the man's time. And it's bad enough that mainstream culture keeps pushing this garbage but I look around and see it all over the goth/geek scene as well, which really pushes my buttons. Oh good, we embrace alternative beauty but only as long as it still conforms to 90% of the existing social norms about beauty. Really?The worst part is that I contribute to this type of crap myself. It's as though after years of realizing that I'll never be considered as conventionally attractive as the cheerleaders, now I have to beat everyone else up for some imaginary second place trophy, so I may not be prettier than all those "normal" girls, but I still have to be the hottest goth girl at the club, or I might as well go home. It's insane to me because I realize intellectually that is NOT OK, but I do it anyway. It's tough to undo years of social conditioning, and I'm happy to see people speaking up about it. Maybe if more people like you and a.d. keep at it, we'll finally see a broader change.

Also, re: the original post about how girls "don't count," did anyone else think it was interesting that the author's boyfriend was only upset when she seemed to be forming a relationship with another woman? So apparently sex means nothing, but a date is a whole different thing. Because now that other woman is actually competing with a man on an even playing field (the dating arena), where in the bedroom her lack of penis makes it obvious she's no threat? This annoys me on so many levels.

phew. looong post. I guess you hit a nerve.
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Old 06-18-2013, 06:54 AM   #31
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Yep, that's exactly what I was trying to convey Florence.
While goth/BDSM aren't inherently dangerous or bad; some jerks who were already opportunistic creeps think goth/BDSM is somewhere anything goes, and they abuse the tolerant attitudes of the community. Often getting away with it and having a pretty destructive effect on others.

Some are also using the photography industry as a way to access more new women and be pervs.


Haha, yep. I've noticed that too about the really high beauty standards.
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Old 06-18-2013, 07:23 AM   #32
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[I talk about male D and female s because that's representative of my main dynamic at the moment. It's not through any belief in a "natural" order of things]

With regards to the question about "topping from the bottom" - it's dependent on what the individual power dynamic is within the relationship as to how it all goes.. but in my experience, if you look at the power exchange as a spectrum with the following points on it:
- Topping from the Bottom
- Submissive Holding the Power
- Dominant Holding the Power

So, at the center of the spectrum there is the point where the D says yes/no to things, but the s retains the "true" power in the relationship because she sets the hard limits etc:

Quote:
s: "May I have a spanking, Sir?"
D: "Yes, and I won't use the cane because that is one of your hard limits."
s: "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

or:

or:

s: "May I have a spanking, sir?"
D: "I'm finishing up with this work project, we will play tomorrow."
s: *may try to negotiate another outcome*
At the front end of the spectrum you have a D who likes to think that they are saying yes/no, but who is being led into their actions by the submissive playing them instead of being honest.. in my opinion, this is where "bratting" comes in and I have a LOW tolerance for it:

Quote:
s: "May I have a spanking, sir? With your hand, sir. I don't like canes, remember."
D: "Yes."
s: "Thank you, sir."

or:

s: "May I have a spanking, sir?"
D: "I'm finishing up with this work project, we will play tomorrow."
s: *creates drama, acts out, throws tantrum, or other such action that will bring about punishment*
D: *falls into line and provides spanking as "punishment" for bad behaviour*
s: "Thank you for my spanking, sir!"
At the back end of the spectrum is TPE where the D holds the power, sets the limits and makes the decisions. They may listen to the preferences and advice of the s, but at the end of the day they are the one's who have set the direction of the relationship and are steering it there:

Quote:
s: "May I have a spanking, sir?"
D: "Yes, and I know that you don't like the cane, but I do. Bring it here."
s: "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

or:

s: "May I have a spanking, Sir?"
D: "I'm finishing up with this work project, we will play tomorrow."
s: "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."
In my experience, the difference is where the priority is placed.. the will of the s or the will of the D.

(NB: this isn't a terribly accurate way to look at it, because it sets up a false idea of a hierarchy or value system to it all.. when basically, the only value system should be "if it works for you and yours, then go to it!")
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