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Old 10-29-2011, 08:45 PM   #1
Wraith235
 
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Relationship midlife alterna poly bullshit!

Good evening, everyone.

For those in the northeast, welcome to the first good white death fest of the 2011-2012 season! Boy it should be a real whopper this year. Saints help us.

The reason I am posting here( as opposed to my intro) is that I wanted my intro to be nice and clean. Slick, I guess would be a good word. Polished is another. However there were certain things that I wanted to get off my chest and this seems like the place to do it.

To understand the rest of the rant I have to take you back to the beginning.
It started in Alabama at around 2002. I had lived there for many years and drifted apart from my local communities(Goth and SCA) and spent most of my time with a group of malcontents who lived in the NYC/DC area.

They offered me a job as a contractor making twice what I was making there as well as sex, drugs, and all the companionship I could want.

So I moved up toward the great wilderness of New Jersey and, because of a new cute bisexual girl in need, I was dropped off the face of the earth.

I spent the last year getting in touch with my UBER goth-ness(only going out at night, whole 9 yards) because I worked horrible hours.

After my hours got righted again I decided that I would make a last, desperate effort to get friends here or I would just quit my job and go home.

And it was at this time, around six and a half years ago that I met a young lady through a convention we were working on.

The thing is she wasn't like other girls because she already had a boyfriend that she loved very much. She was poly. And she wanted to date me. I just had to be ok with the poly lifestyle.

And so began my poly adventures. It was six and a half years of dates, conversations, expectations, hopes, needs, wants, and a level of complication that can only be matched in certain cryptography protocols.

Then on August 30th of this year my girlfriend set me down and informed me that we weren't dating anymore. She told me that we weren't really communicating anymore and that we were growing in different directions, etc.

It feels like I was tossed aside like an old stuffed animal that is not longer amusing.

My arriving here is because I am trying to "re-define" myself outside of dating and outside of the hobbies that I had with my now ex.

If there is anything in particular you'd like me to scream about, feel free to chime in. Otherwise I'll just add to this as I see fit.

Also, I might be adding more on this post or in the replies as I realize things or come up with ideas. It just fucking hurts a lot most days. I thought I was going to be with her for a long, long time.

Btw, I've decided that I'm staying away from dating for at least until the new year(Xian, not Pagan). I want to know more about why I date, should I date, what can I offer to a potential date, and what I need from a potential date.

Last edited by Wraith235; 10-29-2011 at 08:47 PM. Reason: added a bit
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Old 10-29-2011, 10:31 PM   #2
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Hey. That's kind of a sucky situation.

I want to say that you should think about is as a liberating thing, but I guess you weren't really as exclusive as a monogamous relationship and my ignorance of poly relationships translates that to "not as controlling" in my head. I definitely know the feeling.
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Old 10-30-2011, 04:47 AM   #3
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Hey. That's kind of a sucky situation.

I want to say that you should think about is as a liberating thing, but I guess you weren't really as exclusive as a monogamous relationship and my ignorance of poly relationships translates that to "not as controlling" in my head. I definitely know the feeling.

Actually I am beginning to see it as a liberating thing. The thing about poly, for me, is that it was a sort of "monkey's paw". Because my girlfriend has a dating network that is only slightly less complicated than the schematics for a supercomputer that mean that I could date as many girls as I could get to date me. Allow me to repeat that last bit. "As many as I could get to date me".

Here's the thing. During the whole six and a half years I was never able to find someone who I could date that were acceptable. Please not my criteria here were not what you'd call "extreme". Like, she needed all of her teeth ,couldn't have borderline personality disorder/severe bipolar/schizophrenia(in other words, conditions where the medication has huge side effects), and shouldn't have as her #1 goal to destroy the relationship I already had(and those criteria aren't theoretical, I might add).

Near the end I started thinking that there was something Very Wrong With Me and I still think that might be part of it. However, I realized a few things not too long ago. First, before I did the poly thing I never had anything anywhere near a six and a half year dry spell(and those dry spells I did have were because I was doing other things and frankly didn't care about dating). Second, I found out through the glory that is OKCupid just how limiting the poly thing was. Third, I have reason to believe that there might have been some cock blocking going on.

I thought that I would be a little irritated about the whole poly thing for about a month and after that be able to consider weighing the options in a rational manner in regards to if I wanted to date monogamously or not. Actually, quite the opposite has happened. I have gotten more and more angry at the whole thing and less and less willing to EVER be in a poly relationship again. For me the effect of poly is almost the exact opposite of what it is for people who do it and flourish.
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Old 10-30-2011, 10:19 AM   #4
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Some people just aren't wired in a way that is compatible with being in a poly relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. Personally I couldn't do it, I couldn't handle being in a serious relationship that wasn't emotionally monogamous, an open relationship is fine, in fact I'm in an open marriage but I need to know that I'm the person that my partner sees a future with, that I'm the person they want to wake up next to in the morning, the one they want to snuggle up with on a cold day, or make them soup when they aren't feeling well. Everyone is different so you just have to figure out what works for you.
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Old 10-30-2011, 11:00 AM   #5
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Poly, open relationships, all of it is just not for me. I'm an emotional person and I like to be completely attached to someone. I used to say when I was a teenager that open relationships and free love and all that shit was the way forward cause I was just a young kid who spent way too much time reading about 1970s American counterculture and hadn't fallen in love yet but when I found my feet, I realised that monogamy is just who I am. My advice would be not to give a shit about dating until it comes to you. Get yourself a bottle of whisky and just ride out the storm.
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Old 10-30-2011, 12:42 PM   #6
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I know poly couples who make it work really well, and on the other hand, some of the most controlling drama llama relationships I've seen were poly.

As a vulcansexual, one relationship is enough work for me.
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Old 10-30-2011, 01:07 PM   #7
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Yeah that was a weak as hell trading position, sucks it took you so long to get cleaned out.
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Old 10-30-2011, 05:03 PM   #8
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Ely! Haven't seen you in a while! Missed ya...
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Old 10-30-2011, 05:56 PM   #9
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My partner and I have been in a poly relationship for over 9 years now, with no drama at all. In fact, I don't think that any of our arguements have ever been about the poly-type nature of our relationship and have all been about things like the ironing.

Oh yes, poly relationship can be as dull as monogamous ones!
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Old 10-30-2011, 06:27 PM   #10
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Not everyone is 'wired' for polyamory just as not everyone is 'wired' for monogamy. A lot of people can't put jealousy aside or communicate openly enough to thrive in a poly relationship. Some people handle things like that better in a BDSM setting.....

Figure out what works for you and pursue that.
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Old 10-30-2011, 07:50 PM   #11
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Yeah, I don't think the problems I've seen were the fault of the nature of the relationship, just that one person would agree to it because they really like the other person, and end up being jealous and conniving and treating other partners like shit while being in denial that they might just not be suitable for a poly relationship. If everyone involved is genuine to themselves and others it definitely can work out great.
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Old 10-30-2011, 09:14 PM   #12
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Jealousy sucks and is the demise of many relationships.
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Old 10-30-2011, 09:19 PM   #13
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As is fooling yourself when the relationship really isn't working for you.

GOD YOU GUYS RELATIONSHIPS SUCK ASS.
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Old 10-31-2011, 03:39 AM   #14
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God, I fucking miss Gothic.net. Where else can I find "at least until the new year(Xian, not Pagan)"?
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:31 AM   #15
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As is fooling yourself when the relationship really isn't working for you.

GOD YOU GUYS RELATIONSHIPS SUCK ASS.
You forgot to sign in as MechaSaya for this post.
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Old 10-31-2011, 07:41 AM   #16
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You forgot to sign in as MechaSaya for this post.
If I knew the password for the MechaSaya account, I would. Alas, I am not behind that fembot.
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Old 10-31-2011, 09:15 AM   #17
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How did gothicus' long-awaited return just get blanked by everyone?

Sup man.
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Old 10-31-2011, 10:01 AM   #18
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How did gothicus' long-awaited return just get blanked by everyone?

Sup man.
Before my time. It would be weird to say "Hi."
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Old 10-31-2011, 01:11 PM   #19
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How did gothicus' long-awaited return just get blanked by everyone?

Sup man.
Its such a weird thread to return to, I figured it was a hiccup in the time space continuum.
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Old 10-31-2011, 01:18 PM   #20
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Its such a weird thread to return to, I figured it was a hiccup in the time space continuum.
Weird shit happens when I'm around. I don't know why. You get used to it. I expect an electrified cat to come bouncing through any second now.
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Old 10-31-2011, 01:52 PM   #21
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Before my time. It would be weird to say "Hi."
You better work on that attitude before Jesus comes back.
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Old 10-31-2011, 02:52 PM   #22
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Electrified pussy, I wonder what that tastes like. o_O
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Old 11-01-2011, 10:09 AM   #23
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Clearly you're going to have to stick your fingers in familiar places and then stick that finger in an eletrical socket.

Somehow, you're going to have to lick your pussy nectar while it's actually stuck in the socket.

Gothicus. What are you doing here? Weren't you off to Yale, doing insanely important theater stuff?
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:20 PM   #24
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Clearly you're going to have to stick your fingers in familiar places and then stick that finger in an eletrical socket.

Somehow, you're going to have to lick your pussy nectar while it's actually stuck in the socket.
I need you to post in the porn thread.
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Old 11-01-2011, 04:12 PM   #25
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...insanely important theater stuff?
BWAH HA HA HA HAH HA HAHA HA HA

Tee hee.
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