Gothic.net News Horror Gothic Lifestyle Fiction Movies Books and Literature Dark TV VIP Horror Professionals Professional Writing Tips Links Gothic Forum




Go Back   Gothic.net Community > Boards > Literature

Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-24-2008, 02:48 AM   #1
Sir Canvas Corpsey
 
Sir Canvas Corpsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
Angsty Teenage Vomit

From the bottom of the well,
you will find a path that
runs to the great deep blue
and currents that flow true
to the tides cast by the rings
of our planet and the ones
whom reside lost in static.
Let it not bother you that
although day and night
pass over the well’s rim
in the blink of an eye, that
the world is still dark with
a salt water underworld hue.
To what source can we owe
the eternal veil cast over the
denizens of this sapphire room
and the way that it ripples
with each swoop of the rings
like the new bride in wind.
It all begins in the shapeless
ocean mist, that clings to
the black velvet walls and is
the physical manifestation of
the veil; the veil which allows us
to feign, falsify and erect a façade.
To what extent is this mist a fog,
when it is already condensed
into humid air that chokes, the
man in the chair, the chair that
is seated at the desk, where
we write of the birds which
imitate our moans and despair?
To what extent are we allowed
to feel this way without guilt,
what lengths are we granted to
feel without being the fool, the
melodramatic, the misery, the
one whom they exploit as a mule?
We are but the masses, the ones
who sit in front of the chatterbox,
breathing in rhythm with its’
clickity-clack, the same sound
of the pistachio nut stack that sits
on our coffee table, riddled with stains.
So tell us, the supposed unique,
how and what to believe in, we’ll
listen too, just like the ones whom you
broadcast to, straight from your
dish spotless on the interactive screen.
You think you fool me, and you
think you can feel the way I do,
but you are resting on the rings
and I’m caught in the gravity of
solid, which means despite all
that you say you do, you will
never understand me, ever.
This is the imposed madness of
our youth, the single, ridiculous
thought that we are truly unique
and that we do things for ourselves.
Revelations according to the new
Bible of you, tell me that you’re
just scared of death, like me, so
join me in this deep blue room.
We’re martyrs for our own
induced crisis’, and I’ll have you
know a messiah isn’t made
divine by the outer limits,
they’re made so by us choosing
to believe they’re better than us.
Cast off your doubts and simply
accept that we’re all drowning in
sea that you can see, a sea of lines,
dots and cancer (which there will never
be a cure for)
__________________
“Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps.”
Sir Canvas Corpsey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2008, 04:13 AM   #2
Apathy's_Child
 
Apathy's_Child's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
You really do have a way with words. That said, I really don't think this is your best - it's so long I keep losing the thread of what it's about. But that's not to say I didn't enjoy your use of language throughout, and certain parts were awesome. I think it'd be easier to take on if it was broken down into several, shorter poems.
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs

Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
Apathy's_Child is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2008, 05:23 AM   #3
allex
 
allex's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 4
uh...it's huge...but it's very good..you have talent...i like end especially
allex is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2008, 05:26 AM   #4
Aaroneet
 
Aaroneet's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
Sagacious in its own right; however, the way the lines were broken up is confusing. I also think the poem would be better suited if it was separated, with another part starting with the line, "This is the imposed madness of our youth".
__________________
"Live for today, but know that tomorrow always comes- even if not for you."-MollyMac
Aaroneet is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2008, 09:42 AM   #5
Sir_Vex
 
Sir_Vex's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Philly Region
Posts: 105
I've just read it twice, and I did no enjoy it. I'll try it again later and read it more slowly, breaking it up into pieces rather than trying to read fall into it.

I am in agreement with others that it needs to be broken up better, and perhaps breaking it into a few stanzas wouldn't hurt.
Sir_Vex is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2008, 10:07 AM   #6
HumanePain
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
Blog Entries: 4
Loved the imagery along the journey from the heavenly divine to the depths of despair. Cool.
__________________
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKm_wA-WdI4
Charlie Chaplin The Greatest Speech in History


HumanePain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-24-2008, 11:22 AM   #7
Bete Noire
 
Bete Noire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Near Southampton
Posts: 1,319
Hmm this is not angsty teenage vomit. Not blatant enough. And not enough reference to your ex, and how she/he broke your heart, and how you either love them, or want to kill them.

I am afraid that this is quite definitely not what the title suggested. As such, you have failed:P
Bete Noire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2008, 02:38 AM   #8
Sir Canvas Corpsey
 
Sir Canvas Corpsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
I definately see what you're saying Apathy and I agree so much, how seperating it could have made maintaining the integrity of the thought and the thought itself easier however this came into the direct conflict with the fact I wanted the visual part of the poem to harmonise with the concept of media and society overloading us with information till we lose our direction and own thoughts as repetitious as they may be.

Bete: I don't think you're very funny and if there's any sincerity in your comment... well then I don't really know what to say... angst can come in different forms and from different sources?
__________________
“Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps.”
Sir Canvas Corpsey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2008, 05:19 AM   #9
Bete Noire
 
Bete Noire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Near Southampton
Posts: 1,319
Tsh I was just referring to the fact that "Angsty Teenage Vomit" leads one to suspect that the content of the thread would be some whiny emo shite. Which it wasn't. It was well written, thoughtful and interesting, so it hardly qualifies as vomit.

It was a compliment in a roundabout way.
Bete Noire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2008, 01:55 PM   #10
Sir Canvas Corpsey
 
Sir Canvas Corpsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
Very round-about I see, I never clicked into the fact that you meant it failing to be that meant it was good, I thought you were saying something along the lines it's not emo and it fails in general.
__________________
“Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps.”
Sir Canvas Corpsey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-26-2008, 02:50 PM   #11
Bete Noire
 
Bete Noire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Near Southampton
Posts: 1,319
I probably should have kept it simple and said "nice job, it's not vomit though"

Either way, sorry if I offended.
Bete Noire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-27-2008, 12:33 AM   #12
Sir Canvas Corpsey
 
Sir Canvas Corpsey's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
I apologise for my snappyness
__________________
“Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps.”
Sir Canvas Corpsey is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-27-2008, 03:23 AM   #13
Bete Noire
 
Bete Noire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Near Southampton
Posts: 1,319
No need. My compliments are always a little .. off. Or so I'm told.
Bete Noire is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-01-2008, 02:09 PM   #14
Fatbaby
 
Fatbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Humboldt, CA
Posts: 143
That is very interesting though the style makes the words a rush.
Fatbaby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-01-2008, 02:13 PM   #15
Ishan
 
Ishan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Fort Lauderdale
Posts: 148
Blog Entries: 1
The metaphor of this writing is excellent, though I find the structure a bit confusing. But it's really good ... I felt something stir - like the chill of being exposed to an uncomfortable scrutiny.
Ishan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-01-2008, 02:17 PM   #16
Fatbaby
 
Fatbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Humboldt, CA
Posts: 143
That is very interesting though the style makes the words a rush.
Fatbaby is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:55 AM.