|
|
|
Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
12-21-2010, 09:56 PM
|
#1
|
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
|
On string.
Like I said, I haven't written a lot in a long while.
Because of this, I've decided I should write every day, even if it's just playing around, so that I keep in the habit.
Here is what I did today.
eight fingers, two thumbs.
ten tied purpletight to pop
ten reminders
yarn, ribbon
piano wire?
six fingers, one thumb.
three little messes
three little gross explosions
three tied purpletight popped
seven reminders
one tiny finger.
a lot of pressure under one fingernail
piano wire?
piano wire?
one reminder.
|
|
|
12-22-2010, 05:05 AM
|
#2
|
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
|
I like it.
'three little messes
three little gross explosions'
Was 'meh' for me, seemed excessive in a tiring way, broke the rhythm I had because I tripped over the uninteresting repetition.
On the other hand. (lulz)
'a lot of pressure under one fingernail'
Broke my rhythm in a really good way, like it's flowng and suddenly the line extends into a long statement, that my mind just seemed to drawl out, but it was still so bold, almost like how Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada verbally butchers people in her bored tone.
Combined with 'piano wire?' which came out in a sing-song way in my head, a sort of jarring, jumping way of reading occurred, which really drew me into the poem.
'purpletight' and 'pop' sent chills of awesome down my spine.
I hope you're not offended by this but this is how I would have written it given the theme I got from it and basically using the vocabulary you provided.
eight fingers, two thumbs.
ten tied purpletight
yarn, ribbon-
reminders.
piano wire?
six fingers,
two popped
one thumb
seven reminders
one tiny finger
nail
piano wire?
PRESSURE
piano wire?
one reminder.
-Overall, I liked it a lot and kind of wished I had written it or written my take on it without your inspiration.
__________________
“Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps.”
|
|
|
12-22-2010, 07:04 AM
|
#3
|
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
|
I loved the original better.
Love the imagery!
|
|
|
12-22-2010, 07:05 AM
|
#4
|
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: ∞ ∞ //▲▲\\ ∞ ∞
Posts: 4,618
|
This absofuckinglutely made me cringe. Any that has to do with injured fingers makes me woozy.
|
|
|
12-22-2010, 07:52 AM
|
#5
|
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
|
Thanks, guys.
I like everything about this, except that it doesn't really have a clear point. I mean, even to me. I'd like to turn it into something that's talking.
|
|
|
12-24-2010, 05:24 AM
|
#6
|
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 708
|
Maybe it could work as a section of a long poem, made of subsections in which you mess around with some different styles? You could find a loose theme that this could vaguely fit into. Like creation or something twee like that. If you had a long poem about making things, it'd absorb this easily, and there's a lot of play in it - we make things every day: food, clothing, journeys, connections, relationships, mistakes...
Sorry if I'm rabbiting. Damn Xmas eve spliff, making me all garrulous and shit.
|
|
|
12-31-2010, 03:26 PM
|
#7
|
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Your mother.
Posts: 1,044
|
Well, it could be improved by getting rid of it.
__________________
The Overture To The Symphony Of Destruction.
I am the Antiproduct!
There is, they say, no fool like an old fool - Golding.
" All the war-propaganda, all the screaming and lies and hatred, comes invariably from people who are not fighting." - Orwell.
|
|
|
12-31-2010, 07:35 PM
|
#8
|
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by Necrophagist
Well, it could be improved by getting rid of it.
|
YOU'RE BACK!
Oh, my darling!
|
|
|
Thread Tools |
Search this Thread |
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:19 PM.
|
|