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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 04-13-2012, 01:25 PM   #1
mindless1
 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Everywhere
Posts: 649
Dark Prose

(This is a short prose piece I wrote to cope with schizophrenia)

Dear Schizophrenia,
You gave me the ability to witness the truest pain. When I was alone inside you held sway and carefully guided me with your reigns. I wondered about God, euphoria felt odd when life was back masked through a song. I wanted to do something, but they told me what possibly may have been wrong. I watched you in my reflection as my face slipped off like wax and life gradually was washed out with aspartame. I guess I learned this well, there are these contradictions we must have bought to sell. I'm getting the chance to become better, but the memories don't serve me well. I hope you understand.

But that prescribed fix could be everything I need to tread this mountain so rough and so full of stones. Remind me that I am not alone. When those ideas collapsed with zipping pulses and eclipses, when the world snapped and I was left putting back the pieces, when I just wanted a word to define what could not be obtained, all I could mutter was cut off, split apart, and be maintained. Yes, and then I abstained. The truth was tainted like the bill. I remember the first time I encountered you. I was fifteen and living an epic of memories. I could not slow down and realize all my hypotheses. You taught me I was stupid to think anything crazy. Or maybe that was just me?
/Wake up. Wake up. Wake up./ Now breathe.

I dove into your ice cold hands, I had to burn and scream and stutter behind walls so white, so bleak and cruel. Nothing real, just dulled to a hue. But I had some kind of spirit, was I made to battle you too? You took me by the hand, and I could smell the daffodils and portraits so vividly, I used you briefly later just to recreate my stolen epiphanies. I slid off the rock into rapids and you took me for a ride through a deep twisted tale. I wanted to stop thinking, but my thoughts were not reminded by anyone but my friends and family. I could not beat you. I could not make your God appear. I could not see, I could not hear. I was not free to fear.
I guess I was wrong. I admit I must have been in denial. I was entranced by the glowing lights while the nurses led me down a turnstile. I was waiting out the shivers, they were infecting me with their pills. They made me ill, catatonic and still. I was slipping down into some kind of medicated hell. I burned from within, no soul left to tell. Watching my inverted dreams turn into Angels without any songs to sing or thoughts to spell. They told me that through them I'd find redemption and do well.

I ran outside in the January snow. I remember the taste of the acid as I was sleeping in your hospital cell. You never meant it at all. I know you must have meant for me to succeed. I just could not tell. They could not tell. They did not see me bleed. The dreams I had were proven, but they were too cold to care nor would they say more than just stare through the glass. I wished I was somewhere else, somewhere high and free. What have you done to me? I was numbed out but that was the way it had to be. You never seemed to mean well. The currents in my brain, waves I could not ride. The painted castle I am in, a lie.
What I could have known if I had not come down from that roller coaster ride? but if only I had known anything it was twisted and colored blind. If my mind is that powerful, than why is this a crime? If I could have done right? Do you want me to make it right? Can you right what you have done?

Am I truly this alone? You never answer when I call, you have no voice at all...you've been muffled by their pride. Is this how you traded my life for your paradise? Is this how you lull us into sleep, to make it seem so real? can you tell me what I feel now? Let them tell me what I should feel. I am normal.
/Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Dream/ Is this something real or are we just machines?
Can you release the pain at all? Are you a coward? Schizophrenia. Why have you made me feel so small. I could have been dead, I never got it right. I lost hope and faith in the light. I lost so much they could never fix these broken pieces inside of me. Tell me schizophrenia, what do you make of this reality? If I were someone who could know, where would the world be? If you could have let me alone, let me fly...would I have learned to be free? Mom didn't believe in you but she believed in me...she didn't think she was borderline. She didn't know why war was the aim. I'm sorry for breaking you down. I won’t stay sane. Even though it seems I'm not really there anymore. I'm not on the same plane
They want me to be tame, to remain.
She had dreams of people and alternative worlds, after the Prozac to cure the pain. Tell me schizophrenia, is this just a game? When will it end? When is your grand finale? What made her so political that caused her to fear even me?

When will you let me be? If I ask will you slap me down, if I ask will you will you push me to the ground...am I being forced to believe in something I can't even see? Is this how we find ourselves eternally? is this what you wanted to be...schizophrenia I hope you come to those that made you a slave. Schizophrenia it's the brave new world. Schizophrenia you're a curse. Schizophrenia you're a gift. Schizophrenia, you get my drift.
I've been a good girl, I promise you I will try. No matter how hard it is to make this tangible when will it be alright?
I wanted a cure when there was no such thing. I wanted to remember the truth, but the truth was but a dream! I know everything. Everything, schizophrenia, it's not your fault you are so mean. You're just the failure of humanity. I know what it's like to see, something come without a cause to be. I know what it's like to hear, the people speaking from alternative places inside of me. If this is a war, tell me what the shadow fears. If I could make it rain for all these silent years, I bet that the Universe would be in tears.
/I promise I won't tell. Life is but the dream of reality./Thank you,
Now I will just believe in me.
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