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Old 01-26-2011, 02:36 PM   #251
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The four forms are a blur as they roll around the room like a giant ball made of biting, scratching, flailing limbs. Helpmann suddenly rolls away from the fray and leaps on his feet like a cat in front of the group as Judge and Duck carry on wrecking some admin junk.

Helpmann: Well shit, ain’t you a rag-tag group of dick cheeses. [to Apathy] Except you. Looking sharp. [gestures at the long black leather coat]

Apathy: [huge grin breaking across his face] Dude, it is freakin’ AWESOME to see you guys.

Helpmann: [matching grin] I know, right? [shrugs and turns as the ball of limbs rolls his way] Fuckin’ ban ME, bitch! [kicks KammadinniBOOYAH up the ass hard with the word “me”, sending the ball rolling away again]

Duckman: [manages to scramble onto Kam’s shoulders & wrap his legs around his neck, and is dick-slapping Kam about the head] IMMA R.APE YOU UP THE ASS!!

Judge: [giggles manically, swinging from his purple ballsack as he howls with pain]OH SHIT SON!!

Helpmann: [whoops with excitement and jumps up and down, turning back to the survivors as Judge swings deftly up to the ankhs dangling from Kam’s nipples like a gymnast] So, yeah - you guys should prob’ly get out of here. This motherfucker’s ours.

Apathy: [shrugging] Yeah - we better get moving. We need to kill Jilly and put an end to this whole fucking circle jerk.

Helpmann: You’re killing JILLY?

Despanan: [shadow-boxing perkily in place] Damn straight.

Saya: [about to explain] ‘Cause he –

Helpmann: [holds up a hand abruptly with a fiendish grin of rapture] No – don’t. I don’t need to hear it. Stop talking while this moment is still perfect.

Kontan: He’s right. We’re rushing ourselves. Where’s the foreplay, the enjoyment? When have we once stopped to smell the cunting ROSES here? I say we just take a moment, and BASK in this shit. [sits on a crate and leans back, hands behind his head and eyes closing with a blissful sigh] Ahhhhh... look, I know the world just ended and all, but we’re also about to see the inside of Jilly’s skull. All I’m sayin’ is, let’s just try and keep a little perspective here.

Helpmann: [has joined him on the crate, lolling contentedly beside him] You know what, you’re right. Okay, so the world’s a scorched, vacuous wasteland. But then you hear something like I just heard, and you gotta think – you know what? At least I don’t live in a Third World country. Or someplace REALLY retarded. Like France.

Apathy: [frowning] C’mon, don’t be assholes. This isn’t something we should feel GOOD about. Jilly’s our friend. Dude’s got his heart in the right place. He can’t HELP it if he’s batshit insane.

Despanan: [still shadow-boxing] Yeah, he’s about to have his heart in the right place – clutched still-beating in my motherfucking FIST! [next punch is so enthusiastic the force of it sends him spinning]

Apathy: [impatiently] Look, you guys are still on probation. You’re not killing anyone. I’LL do it.

Despanan: [stops, face dropping like a kid told Christmas has been cancelled] But I - !

Apathy: Forget it, Desp. Like I said, he’s our friend. If we HAVE to put him down like a rabid dog, the least we can do is do it quickly, with a little bit of fucking DIGNITY. Not some cackling dickwad doing fencing moves around his ass while Kontan slam-dances to Eye of the fucking TIGER in the background!

Kontan: [to Apathy, outraged on Desp’s behalf] Dude! You can’t do that to the guy! He’s been looking forward to it ever since we found out Jilly’s the link!

Despanan: [desperately] What if I PROMISE to do it fast and dignified?
Apathy: [shouldering the gun] Then I’d call bullshit, ‘cause I fucking know you. Don’t give me puppy eyes, Desp. You can’t do puppy eyes for SHIT. KONTAN’S the one with the puppy eyes, and I ain’t buying that mess either [to K, who’s rolling them out as he speaks], so quit it. [to Desp] YOU have to rely on either making people laugh or scaring them with your huge beard, and I’m neither intimidated nor finding ANY of this shit funny right now. [turns back to Helpmann] Look, if you guys can stall KammadinniBOOYAH, that’d be great. Once we kill Jilly he’ll be mortal. We’ll be right back down to help you take him out for good, okay?

Helpmann: Sweeeeeeet. [snaps to attention and salutes them solemnly] Godspeed, bitchezz! [turns and bounds back into the fray with a joyful war-cry as the survivors move toward the stairwell Kam first emerged from]

SUDDENLY THE DOOR CRASHES FROM ITS HINGES, AND OPHIE AND VIN ENTER NOISILY, KNOCKING METAL CRATES ASIDE AS THEY ADVANCE QUICKLY DOWN THE ROOM. OPHIE IS WEARING HEAVY BOOTS AND A COMMANDO SWEATBAND AND DRAGGING VIN, WHO IS RED-EYED AND DAZED ALONG BY THE LEASH.

Ophie: It’s okay – it’s just us. We came to help.

Saya: OPHIE?! What’re you doing here?! I thought you were okay with being a heinous bitch who sat up in her little tower of exploitation [gesturing at Vin, who’s gazing at the trolls swarming over Kam in stoned confusion] while the rest of the worlds burned down around you!

Ophie: [shrugging] Yeah, I thought so too. But my cooze started tingling, and I realized Apathy was in trouble. [rolls eyes helplessly] What can I say? Y’all know I’m a SLAVE to my cooze.

Desp: We KNOW. Jesus. [to Apathy] Look, for the LAST TIME, would you PLEASE shoot her in the cunting face?

Apathy: [cuffing him upside the head without looking at him, making him yelp and glare] So you guys are in now?

Ophie: Sure. Why the hell not. Since we’re... [tails off, watching the fight] Fuck me, is that – DUCK?

Duckman: [clocks her at the same time] OPHIE?! Well smack my ass - get over here, you ol’ fuckin’ tart!! [leaves Helpmann and Judge to continue grappling with Kam and bounds over to Ophie, knocking her off her feet like a Labrador]

Ophie: [from her position on the ground, where she’s now being dry-humped enthusiastically] Hey, baby – long time, no see.

Duckman: [still dry-humping] Eh, y’know. I been making musics.

Vin: [has wandered over to the fight for a closer look, blinking and rubbing her eyes] Duuuuude... you guys see... [points to the trio knocking seven bells of shit out of each other, looking at the group questioningly]

Ophie: [still on the ground underneath Duckman] Yeah, yeah, babycakes. Don’t worry, we see them too.

Vin: [lost in bleary-eyed confusion] Maaaaaaan...

MOVES AROUND THE FLAILING FIGURES FOR A BETTER LOOK AND ACCIDENTALLY MOVES TOO CLOSE TO THE FIGHT. SUDDENLY, KAM CATCHES HER ACROSS THE FACE WITH A FLAILING GIANT HAND, CLAWS EXTENDED, MAKING BLOODY GOUGES IN HER FACE AND KNOCKING HER OFF HER FEET AND INTO A WALL WITH THE FORCE BEHIND IT. SHE SLAMS DOWN HARD ON HER SIDE UNDERNEATH AND LIES STILL. KAM, STRAINS OVER TOWARDS HER AS JUDGE HOLDS HIM BY THE BALLSACK, PULLING HIM AWAY FROM HER HARD, ERUPTING INTO A FRENZY OF SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH AT THE SIGHT OF BLOOD. HELPMANN MANAGES TO REACH VIN AND QUICKLY YANK HER LIFELESS BODY TO ONE SIDE JUST AS JUDGE LOSES HER GRIP AND KAM CRASHES INTO THE WALL WHERE HER RAGDOLL-LIKE FORM LAY LESS THAN A SECOND AGO. THE GROUP SPRING INTO ACTION AND SWARM AROUND PROTECTIVELY, WEAPONS RAISED, FACING KAM, WHO GAZES AT THEM WITH BLANK BLOODLUST IN HIS MILKY EYES. HE STARES FOR A SECOND, THEN TURNS SUDDENLY ON HIS HEEL AND BOUNDS DOWN THE STORE ROOM, KNOCKING METAL CRATES ASIDE WITH HIS MASSIVE FORM. THE TROLLS SET OUT AFTER HIM AND THEIR GIBBERING HILLBILLY WHOOPS ARE HEARD ONCE MORE AS THEY SCARPER OFF IN HOT PURSUIT, BACK DOWNSTAIRS INTO THE GNET BUILDING.
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Old 01-26-2011, 02:37 PM   #252
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OPHIE WATCHES THEM GO, THEN TURNS TO VIN, WHO IS CONSCIOUS BUT DISORIENTED, AND SLAPS HER HARD AROUND THE FACE WITH THE FULL FORCE OF HER BODY.

Ophie: You fucking MORON! What was I thinking when I saved your dumb ass? You’re a cunting LIABILITY!!

Apathy: [grabbing her arm hard] God damn it, Ophie, what is the MATTER with you?! She might have a fucking concussion!

Ophie: [yanking her arm away impatiently] Oh, come ON, HOW many times do we have to go through this? [to Kontan & Desp] Break it down for him one last fucking time, would ya?

Kontan and Desp: [in unison] Irredeemable bitch.

Ophie: Damn straight.

JACK IS HELPING VIN SIT UP.

Jack: You okay?

Vin: [dazed] Yeah... I think so...

Apathy: We gotta go. We’ll have to leave those guys to deal with the admin for now. [explaining to Ophie and Vin] Jilly’s on the roof. We gotta waste him. He made... a kind of deal with KammadinnoBOOYAH. Long story short, long as Jilly’s alive, he can’t be killed.

Ophie: Aight, c’mon. Let’s get to it. [starts toward the stairs – Apathy stops her, grabs her shoulders and steers her back towards Vin]

Apathy: Uh-uh. Not you. Like I said, Vin might have a concussion. She can’t be left alone. She might fall asleep.

Ophie: [shrugging] Like I give a fuck. I’ve been cooped up in that apartment with her boring the crap out of me for almost a goddamn WEEK, and right now, I feel like kicking some ass.

Jack: YOU brought her here!

Ophie: [looking at him like “Your point is...?”] Yeah – and now I’m leaving her here. Life’s a bitch, son. Man the fuck up. Looks like there are bigger things going on right now than some dumbass stoner getting her shit ruined.

Jack: [staring up at Ophie furiously from his position on the ground, supporting Vin] You’re a real fucking piece of work, you know that?

Vin: [groaning] Oh man, I need a joint... DYING for... smoke....

Jack: [patting her shoulder compassionately with a sigh of understanding] I know, kiddo. Believe me... I know.

Vin: [grabbing his hand urgently] Jack... in my pocket... [he stares at her uncomprehending, then wonder spreads over his features as he realizes what she means. He fumbles in her shirt pocket and produces a small tobacco tin with a hemp leaf on the front, crowing victoriously]

Jack: Hot DAMN, Vin – I ever tell you how AWESOME you are?! I fucking LOVE you right now! I mean it. I want you to have my fucking pothead BABIES!!

Ophie: [moving towards the door again, unconcerned] Great. See? JACK can babysit. Me, I feel like stretching my legs.

Jack: [has opened the tin and is already rolling a fat one] Oh, believe me, it would be my friggin’ PLEASURE. MWAH!! [kisses Vin hard on the forehead as he finishes putting a twist on the tip – she giggles and rolls her red eyes dizzily, obviously still a little high]

Apathy: [rolling eyes with a sigh] Okay. Fine. Whatever. I guess Jack’s only one more whiskey away from falling apart anyway – taking a rest can’t hurt. And we really need to go. [to Jack] As soon as she can move, I want you guys to climb up onto one of the tall crates. You need to stay out of the way, in case the fight spills down here.

Jack: [sparking up, taking a toke then putting it in Vin’s mouth like a field medic administering medicine] We will. I’ll just give her a minute, then we’ll haul ass. [calls after them as they head off] Good luck, guys.

THE SURVIVORS MOVE TOWARDS THE DOOR KAM FIRST APPEARED THROUGH. THE SHOT FOLLOWS THEM AS THEY DISAPPEAR INTO THE PITCH-BLACK.
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Old 01-26-2011, 02:50 PM   #253
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I love this so much. Me and Jack are FWIENDS.
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Old 01-26-2011, 02:53 PM   #254
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I wrote you and Ophie in as kind of an afterthought. But I figured everyone should come back in for the ending. Shit's getting longer and longer though - I have a rough plan, but one scene in my plan is actually taking 3 or 4 to write up.

Not much Saya time in this installment, I'm afraid. Don't worry though angel-puss - I got big plans for you.
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Old 01-26-2011, 03:11 PM   #255
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Apathy, I love you sometimes you crazy spunkmonkey.
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Old 01-26-2011, 03:31 PM   #256
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Don't lie to yourself, chickadee. You love me ALL the time.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:46 PM   #257
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I swear to AquaBuddha if you don't let me kill Jillian I will chain up your family and drag them under the wheels of my car while wailing on you with the blunt end of a curtain rod.
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Old 01-26-2011, 04:54 PM   #258
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Quote:
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I wrote you and Ophie in as kind of an afterthought. But I figured everyone should come back in for the ending. Shit's getting longer and longer though - I have a rough plan, but one scene in my plan is actually taking 3 or 4 to write up.

Not much Saya time in this installment, I'm afraid. Don't worry though angel-puss - I got big plans for you.
Hehe, angel-puss.
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Old 01-27-2011, 05:56 AM   #259
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Fuck it, I'm putting two more people in, since it's growing quicker than a spinster's hymen anyway.
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Old 01-27-2011, 06:37 AM   #260
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YAY! More zombie gnet on the way!
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Old 01-28-2011, 09:44 AM   #261
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Meh, guess... I'm kind of getting sick of this... I think the next one is gonna be GNet: The Arthouse Movie and am already thinking of lots of Eraserhead-meets-General situations. Versus's boots will feature heavily, I think. Sounds less surreal than the plans I got for them.
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Old 01-28-2011, 10:29 AM   #262
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Meh, guess... I'm kind of getting sick of this... I think the next one is gonna be GNet: The Arthouse Movie and am already thinking of lots of Eraserhead-meets-General situations. Versus's boots will feature heavily, I think. Sounds less surreal than the plans I got for them.
This pleases the boots.
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Old 01-29-2011, 04:26 AM   #263
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Lol - Lynch-esque Arthouse Movie... I wanna be in that one! Pickmepickmepickme!

By the way, Duckman? Sounds fucking hilarious. The dick-slapping had me sorting coffee out of my nose.
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:59 AM   #264
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Yeah, I was going to do some surreal music-based routines featuring you and Sinjob.

Thanks by the way - gotta say, I was pretty satisfied with how Duck turned out. I think I really captured his personality. I felt like I got Ophie as well in the last scene. Helpmann's hard as his trolling style was more varied than the other two, so putting him in was kind of a token gesture, and I need to bring out the totality of Judge's narcissism more when I get the chance. But Duck... well, yeah, that's pretty much him, I think.
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Old 01-30-2011, 06:57 AM   #265
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Thumbs up

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Yeah, I was going to do some surreal music-based routines featuring you and Sinjob.
Sounds good to me. Hit me up if you find yourself in need of some schweet interpretive dance moves for the visuals - the other night I found myself high as a kite sitting in the bath with the shower turned on throwing shapes to Sam With the Showing Scalp Flat Top, so I'm pretty much down with this.
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Old 01-30-2011, 07:24 AM   #266
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Sounds good to me. Hit me up if you find yourself in need of some schweet interpretive dance moves for the visuals - the other night I found myself high as a kite sitting in the bath with the shower turned on throwing shapes to Sam With the Showing Scalp Flat Top, so I'm pretty much down with this.
I'm so using that image. Sinjob could wash your hair with the distilled sounds of Creedence and body-pop while I draw giant vaginas on the wall in the steam. Damn, you're my favorite newbie now.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:42 AM   #267
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This is so insanely funny, I can see this easily surpassing Town and Turret as a forum parody!


Jill: [closing eyes with a beatific smile of wisdom] The People have had their fill of capitalism. They require something more substantial. Something they can put in their bellies. Each other. THIS
(cannibalism) is the naked face of capitalism, carried to its logical conclusion.


AC you bloody genius, the next Monty Python, you are.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:54 AM   #268
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Thanks man, I really appreciate that, especially since I know you were miffed about getting whacked early on. I'll letcha live in the next one, promise.
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Old 02-01-2011, 02:26 AM   #269
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You know, I really, REALLY want to tell you this is awesome and brilliant and I shat myself laughing. But the problem is, I've had exactly two fucking lines. Now many potentially great works of art have been ruined, or at least tainted, by a lack of my fine ass - we all know that critical consensus on the likes of Dostoevsky, Shakespeare etc. is generally, "Not too shabby, needs more Judge". and . But you... I thought you were better than that.

C-, see me after class.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:52 AM   #270
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Relax, angel-puss. You're soon gonna have a VITAL role to play, if you know what I mean.
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Old 02-01-2011, 10:08 AM   #271
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SHOT OF A DOOR SET IN A SMALL STONE CABIN, WHICH SUDDENLY BURSTS OPEN AS THE SIX SURVIVORS BUST OUT LIKE THE A-TEAM. SHOT MOVES OUT TO REVEAL THAT THEY ARE NOW ON THE ROOF, AND CONTINUES TO PAN AWAY, SHOWING A CIRCULAR VORTEX OF SWIRLING BLUE LIGHT SOME TEN FEET IN DIAMETER ON THE OTHER END. A SKINNY, HAIRY FIGURE STANDS IN FRONT OF IT, HIS BACK TO THE GROUP. JILLY TURNS AROUND TO FACE THEM AS THEY APPROACH WARILY, A MANIC GRIN SPREADING OVER HIS FACE.

Jilly: Ah, made it this far, you did... such a pity it is that die here you will!

Kontan: [nonplussed] Dude. Seriously. If we weren’t here to kill you, I’d be staging a fucking intervention over remedial verbal expression classes right now.

Desp: [suspiciously, pushing Kontan on the shoulder] But we ARE here to kill him! That’s TOTALLY why we’re here!

Kontan: [rolling eyes] I KNOW, guy. Jeez, relax. No one said we weren’t. [Desp gets a hold of himself and nods, biting his lip anxiously]

Apathy: [glaring at Desp with all the ferocity he can muster, which, let’s face it, is some scary shit] You STAY THE FUCK BACK, Desp. [pushes him behind him] I MEAN it. You guys are already in trouble – one foot out of line and I’ll let Saya waste you, I swear to fucking god. [Saya steps between Desp and Jilly with an evil grin at the former, rocking on her heels and swinging the meat cleaver expectantly]

Desp: [sulkily] All right, already! I GOT it. [pleadingly] Just... make it hurt?

Apathy: NO! That’s the whole POINT! This is getting done fast and painless. Jilly was our friend before he went crazy. We owe him a clean death.

Jilly: [cackles manically as the group turn to him] Death! Oh, so funny, you are – becoming every minute more and more convinced that kill me you possibly could, with in my veins the power of the admin running!

Kontan: [nonplussed] ... Dude, seriously. I’m not even shitting you. That was just a NOISE.

Apathy: [raising the shotgun] I’m sorry it had to come to this, Jilly. [sighs, clenching eyes shut for a second in frustration] I really am. [opens eyes, faces Jill manfully, and pulls the trigger]

THE ROUND HITS JILLY SQUARE IN THE CHEST, BECAUSE APATHY IS, AS YOU PROBABLY GUESSED, AN AWESOME SHOT. JILLY STARES DOWN AT IT IN SURPRISE FOR A SECOND, THEN STUMBLES BACKWARDS, TOWARDS THE PORTAL, ARMS WHEELING.

MERE INCHES FROM FALLING IN, HE CATCHES HIMSELF, AND STRAIGHTENS. THEN HE TEARS OFF HIS SHIRT WITH A DEMENTED CACKLE, REVEALING THE UNBLEMISHED SKIN BENEATH AS THE GROUP STARES AT HIM INCREDULOUSLY.

Jilly: HAHAHAHA!! Think you, guys, that KammadinniBOOYAH would leave unprotected his henchman? No, no, no! The true socialist CARES for his people! ALL of them! No disenfranchised shit-heel undefended and alone is left! [shoots arms out excitedly in a Y shape] Blessed be the welfare state! Oh, un-killable as anarchy itself, it is!

Ophie: [rolling eyes] Oh GREAT, ain’t Tthis just fuckin’ perfect. Trust Jilly to team up with the ONE evil elder to recruit leeches and bottom-feeders to the dark side. Like those fuckers aren’t already douchey enough for five lifetimes of sucking.

Saya: [turning to Ophie with a frown] In fairness, socialism itself is a pretty good system. Jilly’s just batshit crazy.

Ophie: [flicking a wrist dismissively] What-EVAAAA. When this asshat’s in the ground, Imma sit on his grave flicking it over Atlas Shrugged.

DESPANAN LOOKS BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN OPHIE AND JILLY, CLEARLY TORN BETWEEN WHO HE LOATHES THE MOST COMPLETELY. JILLY WINS AND HE ALLOWS HIMSELF A RELUCTANT SMIRK.

Jilly: [dropping his arms and facing them, striking a manly pose] I know you have come to kill me.

Saya: ... Dude, he just SHOT you. You’ll have to forgive me if your deductive powers leave me somewhat underwhelmed.

Jilly: [balling fists, screwing up eyes and jumping like a toddler having a tantrum] Nonono! Finished I wasn’t! I wanna say the line!

Saya: [rolling her eyes with a defeated sigh] ... Oh, go ahead. I mean, I saw the movie, but if it makes ya happy...

Jilly: Thank you. [nods judiciously, then snaps back to the manly pose and Bruce Wayne voice] I know you have come to kill me. But remember that you are only killing a man. [looks at them triumphantly] Huh? Huh? [breaks into a grin] How cool is THAT?

Desp: [incredulously] CHE GUAVARA’S LAST FUCKING WORDS? That are PROBABLY BULLSHIT ANYWAY?!!! [turns to Apathy in a fit of rage] You CANNOT be serious, man! Look, I am putting my fucking FOOT down here –

APATHY SHOVES HIM HARD WITHOUT LOOKING AT HIM INTO SAYA’S WAITING ARMS, WHERE SHE GRABS HIM IN A HEADLOCK, HOLDING HIM THERE AS APATHY SPEAKS TO JILLY.

Apathy: So... you’re unkillable. [sighs in frustration, cursing under his breath] Well ain’t THAT just fucking peachy.

Kontan: How the hell did that happen?!

Apathy: [shrugging] The admin’s blood? It must make him... well, UNDEAD. You shoot him, he don’t die. Just like one of them. [shakes head angrily] For FUCK’S sake. Trust Jilly to turn himself into a little piece of a goddamn ZOMBIE god!

Kontan: Why the hell didn’t Mir warn us about this?!

Apathy: [shrugging, suddenly avoiding everyone’s eyes] I guess he didn’t know.

Saya: [suspiciously - still holding Desp, who’s flailing uselessly, in a headlock] Apathyyyy?...

Apathy: [starting guiltily] Nothing!

Saya: [sighing with a smirk as his reaction confirms her suspicions] You dumbass.

Apathy: [in a strained, embarrassed voice] Look, you think this is easy? I started this thing on a fucking drunken whim! I had no idea it was gonna snowball like this!

Kontan: [looking back and forth between them] What’s going on?

Saya: [rolling eyes with a smirk] Apathy just forgot to plot properly, that’s all. THAT’S why Mir didn’t know about Jilly being immortal 'cause of the zombie blood.

Apathy: [defensively] All right, already! JESUS! Can we just get back to the mo’fucking story?

Saya: [sarcastically] I don’t know – CAN we?! Sure you know what fucking HAPPENS next?!

Apathy: [impatiently] Look. Do you wanna get your mouth around this or NOT? [gestures to his groin; Saya lowers her eyes meekly, although the smirks remains] Yeah, I thought so. Now clam the fuck up. I’m about to have an epic showdown here. JESUS. [shakes head incredulously, then turns back to Jilly] So I guess you’re going in the portal with your heart still beating. [shrugs] All the same to me, I guess. Tossing your skinny ass in should be a piece of piss. I mean, LOOK at me. [camera pans once more over his impressive physique]

Jilly: [rocking back on his haunches like a cat about to pounce] Oh, complacent you are... so unaware of my power! Okay then – let’s go!

JILLY POUNCES AND BARRELS AT APATHY WITH A SHRIEKING WAR-CRY.
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Old 02-14-2011, 07:38 PM   #272
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APATHY GRABS JILLY, LIFTS HIM OVER HIS HEAD LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES, AND FLINGS HIM INTO THE PORTAL. HOWEVER AS HE HITS IT DEAD CENTRE, HIS ARMS AND LEGS EXTEND AND GRAB THE EDGES OF REALITY. HIS HANDS AND FEET ARE SEEN HOLDING THEIR GRIP FOR A SECOND AS THE REST OF HIS BODY DISAPPEARS, THEN PINGS OUT AGAIN. HE LANDS ON HIS FEET LIKE A CAT MADE OUT OF RUBBER ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF THE PORTAL. [PRO-TIP: YOU EVER NEED TO GET SOMEONE WHO’S REALLY DRUNK OR TRIPPING THROUGH A DOOR, SHOVE THEM THROUGH. THEY GET A GRIP ON THE FRAME, YOUR ASS IS GONNA HAVE TO WORK.]

Apathy: ... [facepalms]

Ophie: [sounding bored] So he’s all limber and shit too? [rolls eyes] Fantastic.

Kontan: [to Desp] Hey, hey – he’s like MISTER Fantastic! [they bro-pound]

Apathy: [voice muffled by facepalm] Goddamn it, could this day suck any harder?

Saya: [double-taking at him]Wait, what? Are you WHINING? You’re supposed to be the damn HERO, boy! Man up.

Apathy: Yeah, I know, but like I said. I never expected this shit to go on for this long. I figured I’d be fucking Judge like four thousand words ago.

Saya: Oh, and you think I’M having a good fuckin’ day? I just found out I’m a goddamn pseudo-feminist ARCHETYPE! But you don’t see ME crying like a little bitch.

Jilly: [has risen to his feet and raised a trembling fist as passion pours rapturously from his body] The revolution is unstoppable! Many are The People! Come, comrades – we shall bust out Roman Polanksi!

DESP LETS OUT AN OUTRAGED CRY OF LOATHING AND LEAPS TOWARDS JILLY – SAYA STICKS OUT A FOOT AND TRIPS HIM UP, THEN TURNS BACK TO APATHY EXPECTANTLY.

Apathy: [massaging a temple as though he has a headache] Yeah, okay. [squares up to Jilly] Okay, come on. I wanna go home. I’m TIRED.

Jilly: Oh, yes, so tired you are of your decadent ways – tired in mind and body both, yes, body and soul! Reinvigorate yourself – join the revolutionaries in fighting The Man!

Sternn: [with growing interest] Oh, aye? Who’s yer Man?

Jilly: [screeching manically] ALL of them! The right-wing, the corporations, the Christians –

Sternn: [frowning] Oh, now. The Christians are all roight with me. I’m a Catholic. [perks up] I LOVES abortion though!

Jilly: [raising a fist in celebration] Me too, comrade! Let’s be co-revolutionaries! Let us join hands to fight The Man over our petty differences! Two fists are stronger than one, especially when in ambiguously homoerotic brotherhood they are clenched!

Sternn: [saluting him solemnly as though shouldering a rifle, although he holds only a small paring knife with the price tag dangling] Put it there, me brother in arms. [advances to clutch Jilly’s fist in his own cementing their alliance in aforementioned ambiguously homoerotic act of brotherhood, then they turn back to face the group, shoulder to shoulder]

Kontan: [blinking round at them] The fuck just happened? Did Sternn just JOIN Jilly?

Desp: [tensing, holding up the BBQ prong like a samurai with an ominous air] Jesus. They’ve joined forces, under a banner of faggotry. This could be catastrophic. The amount of faggotry those two together would generate is enough to blow a hole in the universe.

Apathy: [warily] Sternn, you don’t wanna do this, man. He’s insane. [gestures to Jilly, who is crouched on the ground like a cat, tensed to pounce at them]

Sternn: Sure, he’s roight! He knows revolutionaries! He’s in an activist cell! [roars] He can point me at The Man, and I’ll rip his feckin’ head off wi’ me bare hands!!

Apathy: Dude, he doesn’t know any revolutionaries. He’s talking about the goddamn ZOMBIES. You remember the zombies – evil, murdering – REPUBLICAN?

Jilly: [snaps his head around quickly, hissing like a cat] A lie, that is – A LIE! Left-wing anarcho-commie utopian architects, they are – bringers of bliss and workers’ rights!

Sternn: [roaring along with him, obviously convinced] Sure, an’ they’ll try America as the filthy, obese, war mongerin’ criminal it is!

Desp: [to K] You see?

Kontan: Oh my god... SEVEN different kinds of faggotry between them? This is bad. This is really bad.

Apathy: [firmly] Sternn, Jilly is going in the portal. The admin won’t die as long as he’s alive. He chose his path long ago.

Desp: This is where the path of faggotry leads, Jilly. No way out.

Jilly: [to Sternn] Ahh, the admin... comrade! Hear ye the good news: he is returned to us!

Sternn: NO!! Ye don’t mean...

Jilly: The great Karl Marx, Sternn!

Sternn: [pausing, gobsmacked, then turning back to the group raising the paring knife menacingly] Ye’ll not harm this man. He’s greatness in him, sure! He’ll lead the revolution by hook or by crook!

Apathy: [firmly, going into battle stance] Not happening, Sternn. [to the others] You guys handle Irish. I’ll get Jilly in the portal.

Sternn: [quickly, as they ready themselves] NO! People need to realize that they need to free theirselves from the bondage of government – OR IMMA BLOW THEIR SHIT UP, SURE! [opens his jacket to reveal he has been wearing a suicide belt the whole time]

Kontan: Duuuude... is that –

Sternn: I give my loife to the revolution! [hits the detonator and explodes – is standing at the foot of an old-fashioned watchtower situated, originally, on the roof of the building. The tower collapses between the group and Jilly & Sternn – Apathy tries to run to Jilly, but is stopped by a huge boulder crashing into his path, quickly joined by smaller rocks which rain down, beginning to create a wall between them. Desp yells, “NO!!” and flings himself through a small gap, narrowly missed by a large rock, rolling as he lands on Jilly’s side. The final rocks fall and the group are completely blocked off from Jilly, Desp, Sternn’s scattered limbs, and the portal.]
SHOT CUTS TO THE OTHER SIDE, WHERE JILLY IS CROUCHED BENEATH THE PORTAL, COUGHING IN THE SETTLING DUST. DESP SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET FROM THE ROLL AND LOOKS AROUND WILDLY. HIS EYES LIGHT ON JILLY AND HE PUMPS A FIST EXCITEDLY.
Desp: YES!! Oh man, this is gonna be so freakin’ sweet!
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Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:04 PM   #273
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ON THE OTHER SIDE, THE GROUP GET UP, COUGHING SLIGHTLY AND DUSTING THEMSELVES OFF.

Saya: [to Apathy] A watch-tower? Really? [she shakes her head] You really are making this shit up on the hoof.

Apathy: [shrugs] Shit, I was blackout drunk when I wrote the storyline. Note just says “Jilly and Desp get separated from the others”. Seemed as good a way as any seeing as how there’s no fucking ROOF on the roof, so I can’t exactly have the ceiling cave in.

Saya: Naw, but man… a WATCH-TOWER? Made of big stone rocks – on an urban BUILDING? C’mon. Work with me here. This random insertion of exploding monuments is so not sparkling with me.

Apathy: Well, whyn’t you quit busting my balls and go bitch about it in the Temple of Trolls. I’m busy making magic here. [approaches the wall where chinks of light beam through the gaps as the sun moves low in the sky, and yells through one to the other side] Desp? You okay?

SHOT CUTS TO THE OTHER SIDE – DESP APPROACHES THE GAP, GRINNING.

Desp: Oh, I’m more’n okay. Did you see my kickass kung-fu roll? Huh? Did ya see it? Hey, Kontan! You see that, bra?

Kontan: [yelling over Apathy] HELLZ yeah, I saw it! You totally rode that wave of rock an’ stone right to Awesome Island! [pumps a fist]

Apathy: Okay, listen. We need to start moving these rocks –

Desp: NO. No, we do not.

Apathy: [annoyed] Listen, I’m the motherfucking HERO here –

Desp: [firmly] Apathy. Quit strutting, man. You know, and I know, and everyone reading this knows, that this was meant to be. It was ALWAYS gonna come to this.

Apathy: [thinking and pacing] I get that. [stops, decided] And you’re right. But if you really want to do this, then I – need to know that you understand… [sighs and drags a hand down his face] Desp. You know you SUCK at kung-fu, right?

Desp: [firmly] Okay, first of all… HIIIII-YAH! Hup hup hup! [goes into a swinging and chopping abortion of a karate routine, finishing off with a roundhouse kick that almost spins him off his feet – recovers himself and looks at them triumphantly] Huh? Huh? [returns to the gap] So now THAT’S all cleared the fuck up - I can do it. I know his weakness. He’s skinny as a motherfucker. He may be fast, but if I can just get a hold of him for a second, I’ve got him.

Saya: [impatiently] Desp, he’ll still bounce out the second you toss him near the void.

Desp: The fuck he will. I will barrel his ass in if I have to. Which I probably will. [with a rueful smirk] Looks like it’s over, guys. It’s been decided for you. I kill Jilly. I’m the only one who can do it now. You guys better get after the admin.

Apathy: [sternly] Not happening, Desp. I TOLD you –

Desp: Don’t be dumb. It’d take you forever to tear down this wall. You need to go help the trolls fight the admin NOW. And you need me to stay here and get Jilly through that portal if I have to drag him through it kicking and screaming. Which I probably WILL.

Ophie: And you’re okay with that? [shrugging] I’d let what’s left of the world burn before I’d give my life for these guys. [rolls eyes]

Desp: Don’t worry about me. A little pinch ain’t nothing when it comes with certain… benefits. [glances at Jilly, clearly itching to leap on him and rip his head off]

Kontan: [distressed] NO!

Saya: Look, Desp. It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s just that… well… you caused the apocalypse, tried to kill everyone, then hid it from us and then proceeded to annoy the ever-lovin’ shit out of us with Christmas hats and 80s medleys.

Desp: If you guys don’t get the fuck out of here, so help me god, I will karate ALL your asses five ways from Sunday! LISTEN. KammadinniBOOYAH is on the mo’fucking RAMPAGE. The trolls were just about holding him off, but they can’t kill him until Jilly’s dust. While you guys are standing their with one hand on your dick – [to Saya] or cunt – dismantling this wall tiny piece by tiny piece, the admin could be downstairs swinging the whole fight. [to Apathy] What if he kicks Judge in the cunt so hard, you don’t get to fuck her when this is over?

PAUSE AS THEY ALL STARE AT HIM, BECOMING FILLED WITH EMOTION AS THEY REALISING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

Saya: Desp. The inclusion of my vulva in your point? That was classy of you. [gives him a merry smile]

Desp: Yeah, yeah. [winks] I’m a magnanimous motherfucker on special occasions. And THIS – [looks over his shoulder at Jilly with a sharkish grin, flexing a fist gleefully] is going to be VERY special. [sighs as Kontan, who has been listening with rising alarm, shakes his head, looking stunned and hurt] Yo. K. Over here, guy.

KONTAN APPROACHES THE GAP, CLEARLY UPSET.


Kontan: You can’t do this, Desp! Who’s gonna reply to my kickass karate threads? And back-up cackle when I troll Saya [lowers voice to a whisper] so I can flirt with her without showing just how much I care?

Saya: [calling over from the doorway] I heard that!

Kontan: [losing it and screaming over at her] YOU DIN’T HEAR NOTHING, SUGARTITS! I HATE YOO!! [lowers voice as he turns back to Desp with a regretful sigh] You really gotta do this, bra?

Desp: [looks torn; glances over his shoulder. Jilly is humming hauntingly while tracing the shape of a sickle into the gaping portal. Streams of blue electricity follow his finger like shimmering ink. Desp sighs and looks back at Kontan squarely] Yeah. I’m sorry, guy. [shrugs helplessly] Dude just plain pisses me off.

KONTAN NODS, BLINKING FIERCELY. DESP LOOKS AT HIM SERIOUSLY AS TAKE CARE OF ALL OF MY CHILDREN STRIKES UP.

Desp: [drags a hand down his face] Jeez, dude. There’s so much I wanna say to you. But we only have a minute.

Kontan: [tears threatening to spill as they press into the gap] NO! It’s not enough time!

Desp: Kontan - listen to me. You’re gonna be fine. I HAVE to do this. You KNOW that! LOOK at him! [gestures incredulously back towards Jill, who is now drawing a hammer to go with the sickle] And you’re my bro, but I am what I am. Sometimes, a troll’s gotta do what a troll’s gotta do. Look at you, with Saya. Some things you just NEED. You can’t help it – you gotta have them. And when that chance comes along… you have to take it. [claps K on the shoulder through the gap and the latter swallows bravely] Go. Live. Love-fuck the tofu out of Saya. And – [looks him square in the eyes, pounding himself solemnly on the chest with a fist] keep trollin’ right up ‘til your last breath.

KONTAN NODS BRAVELY, SHAKING HIMSELF WHEN HIS BREATH CATCHES IN HIS THROAT. DESP REACHES THE FIST THROUGH THE GAP AND KONTAN MEETS IT WITH HIS OWN IN A PASSIONATE BRO-POUND. THEY EXCHANGE A LONG GLANCE, THEN KONTAN TURNS PURPOSEFULLY AND WALKS AWAY FROM DESP, PAST THE OTHERS, TOWARDS THE DOOR. APATHY, OPHIE AND SAYA FOLLOW HIM. DESP WATCHES THEM GO.

SHOT FROM BEHIND - AS THEY WALK AWAY, APATHY PUTS AN ARM AROUND KONTAN AS HE CLAPS HIM COMFORTINGLY ON THE SHOULDER, AND KONTAN SNUGGLES INTO IT AS THEY MOVE ALONG SIDE BY SIDE. WITHIN MOMENTS KONTAN IS NUZZLING INTO APATHY’S NECK. HE GLANCES BACK OVER HIS SHOULDER AT DESP, WHO’S WATCHING THEM LEAVE THROUGH THE GAP. THEY EXCHANGE LOOKS AND KONTAN BREAKS INTO A DEVIOUS GRIN. MUSIC CUTS ABRUPTLY AS APATHY SUDDENLY STOPS WITH A YELP.

Apathy: OW!! That HURT, you goddamn freak-child! [to Saya incredulously, grabbing at his neck] Motherfucker BIT me!

Kontan: [turns back to Desp with an evil smirk] Keep trolling, right?

Desp: Always. We’re just too freakin’ awesome at this to ever stop, can you dig it? Can you FUCKING dig it? [slams a fist through the gap to hold it out towards K] Keep that good ol’ home fire burnin’, bro.

Kontan: [returns the distant bro-pound emphatically, then leaps into the air with a gleeful kung fu-cry that makes them all jump] Let’s go fuck up the admin!

AS KONTAN RUNS FOR THE DOOR TO THE STAIRWELL, DESP STARTS BOOMING OUT THE RIFF TO “EYE OF THE TIGER”. HE REACHES THE HEAVY RIFF AS KONTAN BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR AND CLATTERS DOWN THE STAIRWELL, FOLLOWED BY THE OTHERS. HE TRAILS OFF SADLY AS THE SOUND OF KONTAN’S SINGING, “It’s the eyyyyye of the tiger it’s the thrill of the fight…” FADES ALONG WITH THEIR CLATTERING AWAY. HE STARES AFTER THEM WISTFULLY FOR A MOMENT, THEN TURNS SLOWLY TO FACE JILLY.
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:39 PM   #274
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I woke my roommate from her nap with my shriek cackling, apparently.
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Old 02-24-2011, 03:54 PM   #275
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MOMENT OF SILENCE. FRONTAL SHOT OF DESP, STANDING WITH HIS ARMS AT HIS SIDES, MUSCLES TENSING. CUT TO CLOSE-UP SIDE SHOT OF JILLY, FACING AWAY FROM DESP DRAWING ON THE PORTAL. HE TENSES SUDDENLY LIKE A CAT AND CLENCHES AGAINST THE WALL, HISSING SOFTLY, EYES TRAVELLING OVER HIS SHOULDER. SHOT CUTS BACK TO DESP - HE BREAKS INTO A WHAT-THE-HEY SMILE, BUT HIS BEARD PROMISES MURDER.

Desp: [quietly, with a sense of growing excitement, fists squeezing into rocks at his sides] Just you and me, Jilly bean…

JILLY FINISHES HIS MURAL IN THE PORTAL, ADDING A HAMMER TO THE SICKLE LOWERS HIS HAND SLOWLY AND TURNS TO FACE DESP, HIS EYES BRIGHT AND FEVERISH.

Desp: THERE he is. Why honey-doll, you barely notice me any more. [starts moving toward Jilly slowly with a predatory smile]

Jilly: [crouching into his catlike pre-pounce battle stance] I know you have come to kill me –

Desp: [face falling with annoyance as he halts] Oh my GOD, stop fucking talking.

Jilly: [crowing] – only killing a MAYYYN, motherfuckaaa!!

Desp: [facepalm] … I hate you so much.

Jilly: Yes… yes! The capitalist hates – hates, he does! All he ever does it is!

Desp: [dropping the facepalm and tensing as the grin returns slowly] Oh, don’t worry, Jilly bean. I know how to love too. And believe me, I am gonna LOVE this. We are FINALLY about to throw the fuck down. Do you understand how sweet, how FUCKING sweet, the chance to pawn your ass for good is to me? This is my mo’fucking internet CRACK – and you can take that to the bank, baby. [winks at him]

Jilly: [snarling] I’m about to show your Reaganite ass a thing or two about POST-HUMAN VALUES, motherfucker!

Desp: All right, all right. Use your fists, not your words – we talked about this already. Your WORDS make me want to crawl into a hole and stay there cry-wanking until I starve to death. That shit’s cheating.

Jilly: [pawing at the ground in adorable rage, like a kitten pretending to be a bull] Racial evolution might be possible with eugenics! No one owns the planet!

Desp: [with a grin] Wrong, chief. [beat] I PAWN the mo’fucking planet.

DESP ATTACKS FULL THROTTLE, SWINGING THR BBQ PRONG WITH A BRUCE LEE SHRIEK.

Desp: Woooo-TAH!!

JILLY RETURNS HIS ATTACK WITH A SNARL; THEY CLASH IN MID-AIR AND FALL TO THE GROUND, JUMPING TO THEIR FEET AND LEAPING ON ONE ANOTHER AGAIN, THEN FALL TO FLAILING AT EACH OTHER LIKE 8 YR OLD GIRLS.

CUT TO JACK AND VIN, WHO HAVE CRAWLED ON TOP OF A SIX-FOOT CRATE AND ARE SMOKING ANOTHER JOINT. THEIR STONER GIGGLES FILL THE SILENCE OF THE VAST, ECHOING WAREHOUSE.

Vin: Okay, okay – so if you had to fuck, like, Catch, or… [thinks, screwing up her face in a frown, then lights up] Unimatrix!

Jack: OH!! You’re killing me here. Okay, let’s see. Unimatrix would want to pee on me. [Vin nods thoughtfully] But then CATCH might do a sexy dance. Man. That’s a rough one. [thoughtful pause] I guess I’d go with Catch. At least I could close my eyes with Catch. I’d still know she was out there… [shudders in silent horror] gyrating… but Unimatrix’s pee… I couldn’t. I just COULDN’T.

Vin: [pause] Brutal.

Jack: [quietly] Yeah. [snaps back to her, suddenly animated in that boneless, lazing stoner way] It’s me again. Okay, so – The Big Lebowski, or Withnail & I?

Vin: [thinks for a second] Withnail & I.

Jack: [raising the joint like a glass of champagne] Good call.

SHOT MOVES UP TO PAN OUTWARDS OVER THE ROOM AS THEIR VOICES ARE STILL HEARD.

Vin: Me. Okay. Who is in yo’ opinion the most bad-mannered negro of all time – O. J. Simpson, or that one black guy Diamond Dog in the movie Con Air?

Jack: … Maybe we should – y’know. Enjoy the silence a while.

CUT BACK TO DESP WAILING ON JILLY.

Desp: [punching Jilly’s prostrate form with a manic whoop] Oh man, this beats the world’s sweetest love-fuck into the ever-lovin’ GROUND!
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