Quote:
Originally Posted by anti_everything
As a side note, black and pink suck because it's overdone.
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*Bows*
Such wisdom have I never seen!
These are worth the read-
Chinese Wisdom
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> > > >
Great Quotes by Great Ladies!
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.
> > > >But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Inside every older person is a younger person --
> > > wondering what the
> > > hell
> > > >happened.-Cora Harvey Armstrong-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >The hardest years in life are those between ten
> > > and seventy.
> > > >-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think
> > > of them as stray
> > > >eyebrows.
> > > >
> > > >-Janette Barber-
> > > >
> > > >+++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Things are going to get a lot worse before they
> > > get worse.
> > > >
> > > >-Lily Tomlin-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who
> > > never owned a car
> > > >
> > > >-Carrie Snow-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you
> > > cry with your
> > > >girlfriends.
> > > >
> > > >-Laurie Kuslansky-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >My second favorite household chore is ironing. My
> > > first being,
> > > hitting my
> > > >head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
> > > >
> > > >-Erma Bombeck-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Old age ain't no place for sissies.
> > > >
> > > >-Bette Davis-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman
> > > must do what he
> > > can't.
> > > >
> > > >-Rhonda Hansome-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
> > > >
> > > >-Jane Sellman-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Every time I close the door on reality it comes in
> > > through the
> > > windows.
> > > >
> > > >-Jennifer Unlimited-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Whatever women must do they must do twice as well
> > > as men to be
> > > thought
> > > >half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
> > > >
> > > >-Charlotte Whitton-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Thirty-five is when you finally get your head
> > > together and your body
> > > >starts falling apart.
> > > >
> > > >-Caryn Leschen-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes
> > > several days attack me
> > > at
> > > >once.
> > > >
> > > >-Jennifer Unlimited-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >If you can't be a good example, then you'll just
> > > have to be a
> > > horrible
> > > >warning.
> > > >
> > > >-Catherine-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >When I was young, I was put in a school for
> > > retarded kids for two
> > > years
> > > >before they realized I actually had a hearing
> > > loss. And they called
> > > ME
> > > >slow!
> > > >
> > > >-Kathy Buckley-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes
> > > because I know I'm not
> > > dumb
> > > >.. and I'm also not blonde.
> > > >
> > > >-Dolly Parton-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >If high heels were so wonderful, men would still
> > > be wearing them.
> > > >
> > > >-Sue Grafton-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you
> > > can ride on.
> > > >
> > > >-Roseanne Barr-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >When women are depressed they either eat or go
> > > shopping. Men invade
> > > >another country.
> > > >
> > > >-Elayne Boosler-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
> > > >
> > > >-Maryon Pearson-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man-
> > > if you want
> > > anything
> > > >done, ask a woman.
> > > >
> > > >-Margaret Thatcher-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to
> > > combine marriage
> > > and a
> > > >career.
> > > >
> > > >-Gloria Steinem-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a
> > > man I keep his
> > > house.
> > > >
> > > >-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
> > > >
> > > >++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > > >
> > > >Nobody can make you feel inferior without your
> > > permission.
> > > >
> > > >-Eleanor Roosevelt-
> > > >
Actually Taken From Classified Ad's In Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out awhile. Better be reward.
-----------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale
-------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
-------------------------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
------------------------------------------
NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened - used once
-----------------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
------------------------------------------
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got
married last month. Wife knows everything.
Bar and resturant signs
Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men
Women's restroom
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not,
"How high are you?"
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO
No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con,then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington, DC
Express Lane:
Five beers or less
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
and lastly the ladies favorite ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
The Leopard, Monkey & Smart Dachshund
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..."Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
REMEMBER: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH BRILLIANCE, BAFFLE THEM WITH BULL
Definitely church bulletin material:
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him.
He does the honest thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window
and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.
He takes her to the police station where she is searched,
fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake." "You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him."
"I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
HELL
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates
facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said.
"I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path which went
through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short
while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward. Looking past his
hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands.
She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she
expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to
glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way
away from the edge of the Summerlands. The people in the group were
watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were
screaming and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised
to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a
choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He
thinks."
]
>
The following are actual stories provided by a retiring Washington, D.C.
> travel agent of 30+ years:>
> I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
> hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
>
> I got a call from a Candidate's Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
> started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information
> then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid,
> but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like
> the
> stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
> is in Africa."
> Her response ... (click).
>
> A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package
> we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
> he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
> possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
> "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin
> state!!!"
>
> I got a call from a Lawmakers Wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
> England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close
> on the map." DUH!
>
> An Aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if they could
> rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they
> had
> only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent
> a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a
> car to
> drive between the gates to save time."
>
> An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how
> it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got
> into
> Chicago at 8:33 AM. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
> of Illinois, but he could not understand the concept of time zones.
> Finally,
> I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
>
> A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
> description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I
> said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with
> the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm
> overweight, I think that is very rude?" After putting her on hold for a
> minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back
> and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the
> airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
>
> A Senator's Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii.
> After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to
> fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
>
> I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
> I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to
> which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of
> these darn planes have numbers on them."
>
> A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I
> have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she
> meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
> whatever!!"
>
> A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
> in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
> reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many
> times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure
> enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look,
> I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my
> American Express!"
>
> A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
> from Chicago to Rhino, New York" The agent was at a loss for words.
> Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes,
> what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the
> agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport
> code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted,
> "Oh don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The
> agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You
> don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it!" she admitted, "I knew it was
> a big animal". !!!
>
> Now you know why government is in the shape that it's in!
:roll: >
>
>
>
:P