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Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books.

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Old 12-30-2010, 04:20 PM   #176
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Versus - I think you just volunteered to write it with your war parody. You going to be busy.
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Old 01-01-2011, 09:10 PM   #177
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Old 01-07-2011, 12:20 PM   #178
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I have noticed a sad lack of updates here, this needs to be fixed.
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Old 01-07-2011, 12:42 PM   #179
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Yeah Apathy.

Goku's barely coherent, and he still managed an update this week.

(Granted, It still feels like the whole story is a drunken hallucination).
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Old 01-07-2011, 01:48 PM   #180
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Goku updated his steaming pile of shit?
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Old 01-08-2011, 06:07 AM   #181
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Sorry, I've been getting my poetry mojo back lately and am also about to embark on a Zappa-Beefheart comic with Sinjob, so you might have to wait a while for the next installment of this. Anway Goku's posting again, which should be enough to tide over anyone jonesing for zombies for the time being.
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Old 01-13-2011, 05:49 AM   #182
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Mir: Apathy? That you? [face moves closer to the screen to peer out. Mir's eyes are bloodshot, and the reason for this becomes clear when a disembodied hand brings a joint to his mouth. He drags, speaking around the smoke] Cool. I figured you guys'd be by soon. How's that apocalypse working out for ya, huh?

Apathy: I'll be honest, dude - it fucking sucks balls. We came up here to scout for other survivors, but all we've found are zombies and Jilly.

Mir: Oh yeah, Jilly. THAT crazy motherfucker. [exhales and stares out at them all] So you're here because you want to know what the deal is with Jilly being all tight with the undead, amirite?

Apathy: You got it.

Mir: ... 'Kay. [nods, blinking, with a frown] Great.

Apathy: [hastily] We woulda dropped by anyway, man... you know, to say hey and all...

Mir: Look, you don't have to -

Apathy: No, for real! I mean it. Didn't I say as SOON as we came near headquarters, we have GOTTA stop by and catch up with Mir? [last line addressed to the others, who all nod hastily]

Mir: [sulkily] Oh, cut the crap. I'm ALL you, remember? I know when I'm being bullshitted. Especially by MYSELF. [pause for a stoner-muse] Bullshitted? SHAT - BullSHAT? [looks out at the others for confirmation. Saya shrugs.]

Saya: I'd go with bullshitted, personally.

Mir: [nodding, satisfied] Yeah, I think so too. [eyes sweep over the group] So I guess you all want to know how this happened. The dead, getting up and killing... the people THEY kill, getting up and killing... this must be really confusing for y'all. Well... [glances slyly at Kontan and Desp] - MOST of you.

Despanan: [hastily] Oh, no - actually, we were just, uhh, wondering why the zombie horde didn't attack Jilly. THAT'S what we came to find out, right? [looks at Kontan for confirmation and the latter nods furiously]

Kontan: Uh-huh. That's it. TOTALLY it. Apathy said we needed to find out why Jilly's like their cult leader, and then we came here, so that's really the ONLY reason we're here, right? That's what you said, huh, Apathy?

Apathy: [nonplussed] Sure... I said we needed to find out what's up. [to Mir] So you know how all this started?

Mir: Sure. I know everything all of YOU know.

Saya: But we DON'T know. That's the point.

Mir: YOU don't, maybe. [pointing at Saya] But someone does.

Apathy: Wait, one of US? You mean someone who's here right now knows where the zombies came from?

Mir: Yep. [drags on the joint and holds the smoke down as they all stare at him, nodding along with bleary-eyed absent-mindedness to the strains of Hendrix still playing quietly in the background. They all stare at him expectantly, except Kontan and Desp who exchange glances, swallowing. After waiting a few more seconds, Apathy spreads his hands in a prompting gesture and Mir coughs the smoke out] Oh, sorry, dude. Yeah - it's Kontan and Despanan. Those guys brought down the apocalypse by summoning a zombie god. Who woulda thunk it, huh? [rolls eyes sarcastically] Y'know, THIS is why I'm always putting you guys in corners and trying to make you get along. All it takes is TWO PEOPLE being dickwads, and BAM - zombie apocalypse.

KONTAN AND DESPANAN EXCHANGE PANICKED GLANCES, THEN BOLT FOR THE DOOR THEY'VE BEEN EDGING TOWARDS.
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Old 01-14-2011, 07:17 PM   #183
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This is getting to be like Tolkien's Unfinished Tales. Excellent...BUT THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
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Old 01-14-2011, 10:39 PM   #184
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I expect we'll escape, and then it's tea and cake and tophats all around.
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Old 01-15-2011, 04:25 AM   #185
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Jeez, fine. You want quantity over quality, I can do that. Just don't anyone bitch about being confused, 'cause this is where the actual storyline kicks in, and you motherfuckers made me rush it.

THE DOOR IS LOCKED - DESPANAN JIMMIES THE PINK SPONGY HANDLE FURIOUSLY, CAUSING MIR'S FACE ON THE SCREEN TO MOAN RAPTUROUSLY.

Mir: Oooh, baby!

MEANWHILE, APATHY SHOVES KONTAN AWAY FROM THE DOOR HARD, KNOCKING HIM ON HIS ASS BY THE COFFEE TABLE. HE SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET, FINDING HIMSELF CORNERED BY THE OTHERS. STERNN GRABS DESPANAN IN A HEADLOCK THEN THROWS HIM OVER TO WHERE KONTAN IS STANDING. DESP SKIDS TO A STOP BESIDE HIM. THE GROUP STAND BETWEEN THEM AND THE DOOR, ALL LOOKING SERIOUSLY PISSED.

Jack: What the FUCK did you guys do?!

Despanan: [pointing] It was Kontan's fault! He said we should raise one of the dark elders to do our bidding!

Kontan: [glaring at him incredulously] You JUDITH!!

Saya: [whispering] Judas!

Kontan: Whatever! [turns back to Desp as Saya rolls her eyes smugly] YOU'RE the one who suggested KammadinniBOOYAH! I TOLD you he was too powerful for us to contain! I wanted Winkie, the fairy god!

Despanan: Oh my god, you are SO fucking lame! [shakes head in disgust] I can't BELIEVE I was gonna let you rule the world with me.

Kontan: Whoa, whoa - LET me? You would crash and burn without me around to watch your back, you hear me? Crash and BURN!

Despanan: Fuck you, asshole!

Kontan: Fuck YOU, asshole!!

THEY FLAIL AT EACH OTHER.

Apathy: [shoving them apart] I'll deal with you two later. Meantime, I hear so much as a goddamn PEEP out of you, I'll rip out your fucking spines and use them as hockey sticks for your heads! [they quiet guiltily as Apathy turns back to Mir] How do we stop this? CAN we stop it?

Mir: [doubtfully] I dunno, man. It'll be tough.

Apathy: [gesturing down athis manly physique] ... Dude. Please.

Mir: [looking him up and down] Oh. Yeah, that's true. [shrugs] For starters, you'd need to kill Jilly. KammadinniBOOYAH was right behind the zombies who swarmed headquarters last week. He and Jilly really hit it off - once he realized Jilly thought he was the reincarnation of Karl Marx, he was easy as hell to play. He convinced Jilly to take his zombie god blood into his own veins, to create an extra link to his own world. The portal KammadinniBOOYAH first arrived through closed the second those dipshits [gesturing at K & Desp] showed some sense, quit chanting and crawled on top of a bus shelter for safety. So being a god, he opened another one.

Apathy: To where?

Mir: His home. The world of Blueblood.

Saya: [hopefully] He wanted an open portal to his own world? So that mnust mean he's planning on leaving at some point, right?

Mir: [shaking head] I don't think so. It just keeps his powers strong. And with KammadinniBOOYAH's blood pumping in his veins, Jilly constitutes another link to that world. Which means...

Apathy: Don't tell me... [bitterly] As long as Jilly's alive, KammadinniBOOYAH can't be killed, right?

Mir: Bingo. With Jilly's blood, KammadinniBOOYAH can siphon twice as much power from the world of Blueblood. Think of him as a walking signal booster.

Desp: So... we've gotta kill Jilly? [pumps a fist and explodes] YES!!! Oh man, this is so freakin' sweet -

Mir: [pointing at him] You pipe the fuck down. I'm sensing everyone in this room's about ready to use you guys as a warm-up to the murder of one of their old friends. I'd play it a little more low-profile right now if I were you. And I AM, so do as you're goddamn told.

Desp: [holding up hands] We cool, we cool... [under his breath, big smile still lighting his face] YES!!

Saya: So how do we kill Jilly?

Mir: Well... here's where it gets tricky. You can just stab him if you want. [Desp bobs head eagerly] But I'd recommend throwing him through the portal. If you just kill him, the portal stays open, and KammadinniBOOYAH still has access to the power it generates. He can still be killed, but it'll be harder - his strength will be immense. But if you throw Jilly IN, the portal closes, and KammadinniBOOYAH can be killed like any other zombie. He'll still be tough, but nowhere near as strong as he is now, with the power boost a window to his own world gives him. [looks around at them seriously] You'll have to be quick, though. If he realizes the portal is closed, he could rip open another one and start again. You need to make sure you kill him before he gets the chance. Closing the portal will sap his strength, but remember - he's still a god.

Apathy: [gesturing down once more at his manly physique] Dude. Again. {mir shrugs acceptance] So where IS the portal?

Mir: It's on the roof. Where Jilly hangs out. That's about all I can tell you right now. [shrugging] Weeell... I COULD tell you a couple more things. But I'm already pretty high, and I plan on smoking another bowl before the world gets a chance to end on me. You can work the rest out for yourselves. Now, if you don't mind, I'm off to jam out the sweetest riffs known to humanity.

Apathy: Thanks, Mir. If we manage to save the world, I'll bring by an ounce and The Big Lebowski.

Mir: Cool. It's a date. Good luck with the apocalypse and all. [they all murmur their goodbyes as he fades from the screen with a brief flicker of psychedelic swirling. The group slowly turn their attention to Kontan and Desp, who back up until they're against the wall as the group advance on them furiously]
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Old 01-15-2011, 10:45 AM   #186
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Hahahahaha, don't take me seriously Apathy, I waited all my reading life for The Children Of Hurin, I can wait for anything XD
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Old 01-15-2011, 05:41 PM   #187
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Yup, pretty cool and nifty still. Good Job and all. Sorry, I'm too damn lazy right now to give proper praise.
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Old 01-17-2011, 01:43 AM   #188
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Haha, fucking Apathy I just read this all from page 1. Hilarious man.

Although, I was gonna say I noticed some newer members got better roles than the old crew. (Given that, I know it was easier for people who post here often)

Also, I'm not sure if you noticed but Edible_Eye came back. Haven't seen him on here in yearsss...

I don't post even remotely as much as I used to. I do read around here a lot though. I haven't checked the literary part in awhile though, glad I did.

I think once the current story is done you could just keep it going for awhile sort of like a gnet zombie apocalypse series.

Overall though man, It's quite good.
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Old 01-17-2011, 05:57 AM   #189
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I wouldn't know how to parody the Old old guys - I didn't know them. There's Versus's war movie parody to come though, so maybe some of you will get cast if you post enough for him to get a sense of your personality.
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Old 01-17-2011, 06:28 AM   #190
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Oh dear, I seem to be dead. Killed by a pen. I hope it was a nice pen at least, a fountain or quill pen perhaps.. Though I'm not particularly fond of the idea of being turned into a communist.
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Old 01-17-2011, 10:33 AM   #191
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So... we've gotta kill Jilly? [pumps a fist and explodes] YES!!! Oh man, this is so freakin' sweet!
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Old 01-19-2011, 02:37 PM   #192
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KONTAN AND DESP ARE FINALLY JOLTED TO A STOP WHEN THEIR BACKS HIT THE WALL. THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER SWALLOWING AS THE GROUP HALT IN FRONT OF THEM, LOOKING SEVERELY PISSED.

Kontan: [awkwardly, sweating slightly and licking his lips] So... uh... whatchoo guys wanna do now?

Apathy: [holding the gun trained on them, eyes narrowed dangerously] Oh, believe me – you don’t wanna know. [camera gives the fans what they want and pans over him in a gratuitous caress of his imposing figure]

Desp: Look. Guys. [points at them with a stupid grin] You mad. [K elbows him approvingly, ushering him to continue] We get it. But –

Jack: Mad don’t even begin to cover it, you motherfucking can-eating sacks of shit! Do you KNOW how a comedown feels? Did you ever party hard enough to wake up with a real BITCH of a come-down, and a hangover to boot?! The suffering in body and mind, the self-loathing shame, the empty HORROR of it all? [losing his shit and roaring] And you make me wake up with one of those things in the MOTHERFUCKING APOCALYPSE?!

Desp: Nobody could’ve foreseen that.

Jack: Oh yeah? Well you FORESEE see this? [flinging an arm toward them where it points, tensed and trembling hard] You see those shakes? I can feel that in my BALLS, you goddamn turncoat CUNTS! [he punches the wall with a long howl of rage, shadow-boxing it in a state of impotent incandescence, delirium tremens still visibly shaking him now and again. Apathy hands him the flask, giving him a sage look of understanding, and he quiets to a low stream of curses as he fumbles with the lid. Apathy looks hella sexy and is rocking that Matrix leather coat Goku gave him; rugged, yet elegant. Testosterone is etched into every line of his body – both the fluid lines that run like rainwater, and the hard-edged corners, pleasingly placed, that promise pure muscle beneath]

Apathy: Okay, okay. Take a break or you’re gonna hit someone in the eye with that thing. [gestures to the vein throbbing in Jack’s temple. Saya rubs his shoulder comfortingly and he slumps against her as he finally gets the lid off ]

Kontan: Okay. Let’s all just... step back, and take a moment. [steps back carefully, hands held up in surrender] Let’s just calm down and get the sand out of our vaginas now. [faces them] Look, I really think that if you guys consider this, you’ll see that you’re after the wrong guys. Desp and I just wanted a dark elder of our own, you know? [giving it some innocent puppy eyes] We weren’t gonna DO anything. Just, like, take it over to the park and ride on its back to scare the kids. That’s ALL. I swear. [elbowing] Right, Desp?

Desp: Sure. [bobs head] It’s not like we were going to charge around smiting our enemies in a magnificent orgy of blood and death or anything... [drifts off wistfully]

Kontan: [speaking quickly as the group’s faces darken] This was a MISTAKE. We KNOW that. We didn’t mean to do it. We just... fucked up.

Apathy: [still pointing the gun at them] Quit trying to pacify our asses, because you really did.

Kontan: I mean it. We want to fix it.

Desp: [perking up] Yeah, man. I can TOTALLY kill Jilly.

Kontan: [earnestly] We’ll make it right.

Desp: [growling with pleasure] Oh, SO right – UH! [makes a stabbing motion with the BBQ prong, then goes into an impromptu fencing routine, jabbing at the air with one arm held aloft behind him] When you think about it, Jilly’s the real asshole here. Okay – so we ACCIDENTALLY opened up a portal to Blueblood. But we didn’t MEAN to end the world. Jilly, though, he actually let the zombies IN. Everybody who died in here, died because of HIM .

Apathy: [snatching the prong from him angrily] And the others? It’s not just the building, Desp. It’s the whole CITY.

Desp: Yeah, but ours was an accident. His was on PURPOSE.

Jack: At least Jilly’s INSANE! THAT poor bastard can’t help it! YOU two damn sure should’ve known better! You raised a fucking ZOMBIE GOD and ended the world![shakes head in disgust] Why in the name of FUCK would you do something that dumb?

KONTAN AND DESP LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER, SHRUGGING.

Kontan: [chewing on a knuckle sheepishly] I’unno.

Desp: [frowning, confused himself] For the lulz?

Saya: [deposits Jack, who has now drained the flask and is lolling contentedly, onto the floor where he lands with a thunk] Apathy. [draws him off to one side] We need to talk.

Apathy: [as her hand trails over his chest lustfully] Saya. [removes it firmly]

Saya: [putting it back at her side as though catching herself] Oh. Sorry. No you’re right, I need to – where was I? [thinks] Oh yeah. [leans in firmly, speaking in a low, tense voice] Apathy. You have GOT to let me kill them. I mean it. They’re a liability. LOOK at them. [Kontan and Desp are now humming the pounding beat to Eye of the Tiger under their breath, giggling and shushing each other like schoolgirls when Sternn glares at them like a sleeping bear they’ve kicked or something] They have no idea of the damage they’ve caused.

Apathy: [shrugs]You want to murder them?

Saya:[with an incredulous "duh" look] YES!

Apathy: Well – [thinks but comes up with nothing] You can’t.

Saya: [glaring] No! No way! You are not gonna pussy out of this. If you won’t do it for survival, do it for narrative structure! Your whole storyline will come apart if you let such a glaring plot-hole as your failure to kill the people who started this! There’ll be no realism! It will be an orgy of bad fantasy on the business end of the Stephanie Meyer spectrum –

Apathy: [quietly] Realism? [laughs sadly] Open your eyes, Saya. This story was never about realism. We have you, a woman, second only to ME in the kick-ass undead body count category. And every other person is a man. You think a woman could be my right hand if I were trying to write a realistic world? [sighs] I’m sorry. I hoped I would never have to tell you the truth.

Saya: [dreamily] I’d LOVE to be your right hand. [snaps back and double-takes in shock] Wait – what are you saying? You’re saying the reason my vagina doesn’t render me useless is... [eyes brim with tears as the full weight of the revelation hits her] your magnanimity as a storyteller?

Apathy: Exactly. I’m a storyteller who’s a friend to the ladies. [grabs her and shakes her gently by the upper arms] No, no, don’t feel bad! I LOVE women! Some of my best FRIENDS are women, and they often say things worthy of a masculine mind! Sometimes you wouldn’t even KNOW they come attached to a leaking gaping chasm that bleeds for DAYS ON END and still doesn’t die -

Jack: [becoming horrified, swatting drunkenly at the air with shakes wracking his body as Saya breaks down] Oh god... what if there’s nothing inside? What if there’s NOTHING?

Apathy: [trying to ignore Jack and Desp & K’s singing] Saya -

Saya: NO! Don’t look at me! [flings her arms heavenward dramatically and raises her eyes, tears streaming down her face] Germaine – I’ve failed you... GerMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINE!!

Kontan: [stops singing to stare at her, nonplussed] Dude. What’s with the Jesus pose?

Saya: [snapping from her grief pose to an enraged kung-fu stance] Fuck you, bitch!! This is all your fault!

Desp: YEAH. [as an afterthought] Asshole.

Apathy: Saya, calm down!

Saya: But he –

[Saya gibbers indignantly as Apathy tugs at the arm holding the kitchen knife, finally wrestling it off her. She tries for it once, then calms a little]
Apathy: Come on. Everything’s cool.

Saya: Sorry. I’m just so – [huffs furiously, glaring at Desp & K]

Apathy: I know. It’s okay. Freud located the womb as the site of hysteria. You can’t help it. In fact, most of the time you do very well, considering your natural disadvantages.

Saya: I just... I can’t believe that all my badassery comes from you deciding to write a woman who could fight. I thought it could be done fair and square, you know? That a woman really COULD be that tough.

Apathy: You couldn’t have known. You’re raised on fairy tales and Jane Austen novels and that evil Bridget Jones’ Diary crap. Of COURSE you believe it. That doesn’t matter. You’re still [importantly] an excellent woman.

Saya: [rubbing her eyes] No, I feel so stupid. I SHOULD have known it wasn’t possible – a woman, taking out more zombies than four men! [laughs harshly]
Apathy: Saya – come on. We need to go. This is still happening. You’re still the most badass fighter I’ve got, even if that IS totally unrealistic. Like, HEROICALLY unrealistic. [shakes head in wonder] I need you in this.

Saya: You really mean that?

Apathy: Absolutely. I know most people would think that’s a retarded thing to say to a chick, but what do I care? I’m an artist, right? We’re supposed to be eccentric.

Saya: If you were a GOOD artist, you’d let me kill them, bitch. [points at Desp & K who look up in alarm]

Apathy: No one’s getting killed. [sighs as Desp & K break into cheers]

Kontan: Sweeeet! [they bro-pound]

Apathy: Listen up. No more betrayals. No more holding out on one another. The next person to fuck up in any way wins a headshot. The next person to BETRAY us [glares at D & K] gets their scrote pulled until the sack reaches around their neck, balls stuck in their mouth, and a motherfucking boot over the back of the head on the kerb. Saya, you ready?

Saya: [ruefully] You kidding? I was literally created ready.

Apathy: Okay. We’re going up to the roof to find Jilly. We kill him, we throw him through the portal, we get out. Jack. [nudges him with a foot – he stirs] Up. [Jack climbs blearily to his feet] Let’s move out. You two, stay where I can see you.

Apathy waves Desp & K out with the gun, then leads the others out of the brain room.
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Old 01-19-2011, 02:45 PM   #193
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Ha...wow...........
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Old 01-20-2011, 07:26 AM   #194
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I sometimes do stuff like this for my friends if I'm high/bored enough, although a zombie apocalypse has never featured. I'm still new enough to see this as a guide to the people on this forum though.

Lessons learned so far: don't turn your back on Kontan and Desp, and I need to party with Jack, Mir and Vin.
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:02 AM   #195
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Fuck yah..that would be the dopest party ever!..except I dunno who the fuck you are...



I miss mir...where the hell has he been?
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:14 AM   #196
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vindicatedxjin View Post
Fuck yah..that would be the dopest party ever!..except I dunno who the fuck you are...
You say that like I'm talking as though you should. However, from your whole "WHO IS THIS PERSON AND HOW DARE THEY SPEAK MY NAME" attitude, I'm gathering that you must be very important. The kind of power you evidently command on the internets should really have been mentioned in the story - I feel deceived now.
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:25 AM   #197
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Damn straight... ^_~

Everyone should bow to my glorious self.
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:36 AM   #198
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I apologise for not recognising your significance. It's just that the story made you sound so much like a racist crack-whore living a life of slavery, my mind didn't make the connection with the kind of greatness that clearly makes your name the Gnet equivalent of Yahweh.

Like I said, new around these parts.
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:42 AM   #199
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I DO have the reputation of being a racist weed-whore here on gnet.

But in actuality... I'm a lame, nice person....................who smokes weed here and there


Worship me regardless.
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Old 01-20-2011, 08:51 AM   #200
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Sorry, I'm too high to worship anything but a fully-working lighter right now.

Besides, you're doing it wrong. It's your followers who should be caught in delusions of your importance, not you yourself. Nobody likes a god with a god complex, dude.
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