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Old 01-14-2016, 01:36 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Within the Grey and White, Within the Shell
Posts: 125
Kindness Should Never Feel This Awkward

The thought of what I'm about to do... Well it bothers me.
Even though I've tried to stay somewhat anonymous. Any whining or bitching is an embarrassing exposure.
But I am a Fool, and my time may be finite. So be Cruel or Kind, its your reflection.

I have a friend, Who at one time was much more than just a friend. We were actually pretty damn good together. But that had its time and place. Over a decade ago, and I think we both knew we had an expiration date. It was just for then, not for ever. We didn't part on bad terms, but we never really got to grow comfortable as friends afterwards. So its been awkward at times. And it has always bothered me... deeply.
Years pasted and she had a child and finally moved to the opposite side of the country.

Now Fast Forward >> Two nights ago I'm sipping good rum with her sister and brother-in-law at their home. Listening to their Crazy Ass Drama. Then her sister gets a text message, and then makes a call. Because her sister puts everyone on speakerphone (for some reason?), A moment later I'm hearing a voice I haven't heard in years... The tones in her voice sounded older, shaky, but I knew who it was right away.
Also... there was something else... She was afraid, She sounded scared.
She proceeded to tell her sister she was in the Emergency Room, Having trouble breathing, and an elevated heart rate. They weren't sure what was wrong yet but the doctors were proposing some grim possibilities.
Her husband (who I Want to believe is a good guy, and probably IS) was at home with her child. But no family or friends.. She was alone and scared.
For some reason hearing this from her shaky voice, It just... tore me open.
I needed to maintain so I excused myself to go smoke outside, in the brutal cold, and I walked, and walked...
When I came back indoors her sister would not look at me, and asked me to sit down. I was instantly worried and refused to sit until she filled me in on what was happening. But inside I begin to feel sick. Panic. Spinning Sinking. (Lot of Rum + Deeply Suppressed Loose Ends + Immense Worry about someone I cared for, But was powerless to help) It was too much. So after finding that she was stable...the heaving began.....

The next day this friend contacted me via Facebook from the hospital. She sounded better but not out of the woods, She told me she was gonna be there a while.
Now, I spent a couple weeks in the hospital some years ago. It was horrible. Long lonely nights of solitude and pain. I didn't want that for her. I wanted soo badly to comfort her somehow. So I basically told her 'I WILL BE CHECKING ON YOU', and I never sleep anymore so You can message me anytime, even if your bored, and especially If your down and lonely.
To me, this is all I can do for her....just be there as a distant voice, someone who will listen while everyone else sleeps.
But the problem is I'm not sure if she trusts my intensions to be benevolent, or if she thinks I have other motives. She has questioned them before but that was long ago. Even though I Do know I Love her, I also know I would never, EVER do a thing to jeopardize her happiness. She's happily married, and has a son, and step family. She is in a much better place now then when she ran around with me.

Plus... I know she's not the one...
So why does it feel awkward? I may never see her again and all I want is for her not to feel alone while going through this.

I apologies for bitching. I know we all have problems.
Maybe I just needed to write it down.
Maybe I'm afraid that my caring is somehow creepy.
Maybe I'm Fucked up and should just forget about it.
But Kindness Between Friends Should Never Feel This Awkward.
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Old 01-15-2016, 02:13 AM   #2
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Location: Adelaide, South Australia
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You hit the nail right on the head Pri when you say, "I do know I love her." Is it so strange to love another person? I mean to really love them, unselfishly and unconditionally, where all you want is their happiness and wellbeing. What you're feeling is the purest form of love; the type we feel towards our true friends, our children (in my case) or towards anyone who has ever been really kind to us or with whom we've shared a close bond. It's a beautiful and precious thing.
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Old 01-15-2016, 03:27 PM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Within the Grey and White, Within the Shell
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HaHa... I must admit it didn't feel very beautiful or precious while I was holding onto the bathroom walls, Waiting for the room to stop spinning.
It's odd, I really didn't drink that much. I just became suddenly, violently ill.

Even though it can be a many splintered thing, some days.
There are a few who are worth the scrapes, and bruises.

Thanks You Sir, for the Kind Words, and Perspective.
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Old 01-16-2016, 04:26 PM   #4
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Purgatory
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A blast from the past, and a wholly unnerving one!
I hope her health is improving?
Why on earth was she alone?
Just don't get that .. surely someone should've/could've been there with her?
Man that's awful, my heart goes out to her <3

I hope that she can see your worth; a friend .. an honest friend.
It's crazy how everything seems to evolve around sex o.O
What are we? Are we really that basic!?

You care about her, you care about her welfare and hope for her.
I consider that a beautiful act, no hidden agenda, just simply care.
That IS beautiful.

Continue to do so, and never mind any others take on that.
And please look after You too yeah <3
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Old 01-19-2016, 02:35 PM   #5
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Within the Grey and White, Within the Shell
Posts: 125
Thank You Ma'am,

I'm afraid that after years of worrying whether or not someone views me, and my actions through suspicious eyes. I know it can, and (for me) has put a strain on an already faltering friendship. And I would hate for this to have been an obstacle in our communication. Especially at a moment like this.
Plus... I think with me having lost a couple family members in the past year and a half, it may have preconditioned me to worry bout these things... a little more.

Worth??? HA... I have no idea what she really thinks of me anymore, So I try not to care about that. Now, it's just about being one more person on what I fear is a short list of friends. One more option for her when everyone else can not, or will not help.
But she's already back home and surrounded (I hope) by friends, and family.
I'm guessing her being released is a good sign. ??? But I haven't heard anything from her since before her release.

Which brings me to a sobering realization... Maybe I did have an agenda. Hidden even from me, until now. Maybe I was hoping to talk with her a little more than the "Happy B-Day" and "Merry Christmas" message crap we've been doing for years now.
Perhaps that is just me being selfish.

But She's home with her family.
So that's that... I guess.
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