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Music Finally, an entire forum devoted to talking about Doktor Avalanche, the drum machine for the Sisters of Mercy. You can talk about other bands, or other members of that band, too, if you want to be UNCOOL.

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Old 02-09-2006, 03:01 AM   #1
Cruel Intentions
 
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Need help writing a song

Here's the deal:

I'm in a band, we've got the usual guitarists, bass and drum players, our lead singer is a girl (there's nothing wrong with this, it just helps get the sound accross) and I play sax and sing the death metal vocals.

I've been working on this for a while but wasn't sure if it was any good. Could you guys see this being sung in death-metal?

I take a lot of my inspiration from Cradle of Filth so some of their stuff might creep through (or possibly a lot!).

Ode to a Small Lump of Hatered I Found in my Heart one Midsummer Morning

Alone and cold
Back to the wall
They will never break me
They wull never take my soul

A change in shade from white to black
Rising anger that won't fall back
Compassion I loathe and hate I lack
Like writing with broken fingers

Every day I hope and pray
That my kindness will go astray
And then I will exterminate
Those bastards whose loathed presence lingers

And with this blade to strike a blow
Thrust through ribs and in below
An abandoned heart that no one knows
I taste sweet victory
A smile of cruelty on my face
No more tears, they have no place
At last I find the end of daze
To hell with sympathy

I will not heel nor fake a bow
But bite the hand that starves
And they shall tase my buring wrath
This is retribution

As hate became my downfall
So I stand against the wall
I hate them for who they are
With dear compassion hung

Between forgiveness and the damage done
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Old 02-09-2006, 05:05 AM   #2
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sonds pretty good. but I can't help if I don't know the sound behind it all.
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Old 02-09-2006, 05:22 PM   #3
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Have you arranged music for your song yet, as that will be a good indicator on the overall feel of the vocals, is it a fast aggressive song, or is it a slow twisting melanchonic slab of doom ?.

The best advice I can give is to experiment with the vocal parts, make several versions of the song arranging the vocals differently for you and the other vocalist each time, and then see which combination works best, and how you both can compliment to the overall feel of the song.

Best of luck with your songwriting !
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Old 02-10-2006, 06:10 AM   #4
Cruel Intentions
 
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The first three verses are fast and agressive, the fourth is a medium pace, half and half melancholy and vengeful. Verses five and six are much slower and imposing. I try to fit as much spite and vindictiveness into the last line as my tone of voice will allow but it's at a medium pace with a death-metal howl on the last word.

I haven't put it to the rest of the band yet but I wanted to see if it was the sort of thing that people might want to hear in a song.
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Old 02-10-2006, 07:19 AM   #5
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The title you've selected for this piece is the substance that condescending giggles are made of. The title to any song is the door through which people come to know you and your lyrics; if it is verbose to the extreme yours finds itself being, it can strike potential listeners and fans as a comical joke and in turn associate the joke as the band itself.

Try something like "Midsummer Ode to Hatred" or "Midsummer Hate Anthem". Something, anything, everything shorter. Especially if the title itself is longer than every single line in the song.

Onward to lyrical critique:

This piece is riddled with many instances where, for sake of aesthetic, oral, and acoustic pleasure, I would have selected different words. That said, it's by no means a poor piece of work. I'd never walk up to someone else's painting and tell them that they misplaced a brush stroke here and should have used a different colour there (then again, I'm horrible at painting regardless), so I'll refrain from that regarding this. Most of my changes can't be given a particularl substantive motivation.
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Old 02-10-2006, 07:27 AM   #6
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I thought the title was meant to be funny.
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Old 02-10-2006, 08:17 AM   #7
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Ok, I was in the process of writing a scathing piece on how the level of pretension and ambition of young metal bands almost always fall way short of achieving the 'evil' atmosphere they attempt to create. But then I decided it would be kind of mean to crush your dreams of being taken seriously as a musician so early on.

Now wasn't that nice of me?

I have one piece of advice, though. Unless you have an amazing drummer and a similarly talented guitarist; make it simple, and instead focus on power and intensity of vocal delivery. You're not gonna be My Dying Bride or Opeth for at least another ten years. First, work on delivering a performance that is convincing for the level you're at, then later you can start experimenting with twelve-minute long, intricately structured songs. Nothing is more embarrasing than seeing a bunch of 17 year-olds trying to be Cradle of Filth. Who, in case you haven't noticed, don't actually take themselves as seriously as many of their fans do.

Oops, I guess I did write a kind of scathing piece with the potential to crush dreams after all! But don't take it personally. After all, I'm just talking generally, based on experience, and I have no clue how your band sounds like. Which is kind of, you know, important, since all I have to go on now is your less-than-detailed description of the metal fantasy in your head.

That being said, the lyrics themselves could be far worse. It all depends on the musical framework and vocal delivery. Had it been my band, I would have made it a two-minute grindcore scorcher with unintelligible screaming, frantic drums and dissonant, careening guitars. But that's just me.

For the record, I'm not in a band (anymore).
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Old 02-10-2006, 10:34 AM   #8
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Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cruel Intentions
The first three verses are fast and agressive, the fourth is a medium pace, half and half melancholy and vengeful. Verses five and six are much slower and imposing. I try to fit as much spite and vindictiveness into the last line as my tone of voice will allow but it's at a medium pace with a death-metal howl on the last word.

I haven't put it to the rest of the band yet but I wanted to see if it was the sort of thing that people might want to hear in a song.

Show your song to the rest of your band, and see what they think of it, and work on it.
I agree with Piteseleh that it would make a good fast song, esp with alternating vocals and verses between you and the other vocalist (ala Carcass), but it is your song, so experiment with it when rehearsing and see how it goes. With some hard work, your song will kick ass... .
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Old 02-14-2006, 05:55 AM   #9
Cruel Intentions
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blushing Heliophobe
I thought the title was meant to be funny.
It was, but not entirely. Sort of half funny, half serious.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pitseleh
I would have made it a two-minute grindcore scorcher with unintelligible screaming, frantic drums and dissonant, careening guitars. But that's just me.
Parts of it are like that! Most of it is unintellgible screaming however, but i need to get the band together for a rehearshal. Our lead singer got herself grounded and kicked out (as good as) and our drummer's ill. The don't know where they are half the time. I tried starting a band on my own once with my friends who live nearer me and go to my school. It was a fiasco. I don't think solo will work somehow. If i can get the band together and rehearse I'll let you guys know how it turns out.
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