I wrote an untitled sex poem, too.

[Underwater Ophelia]

To turn my head slightly
Would be to tickle it with wet grass
A beetle crawling on my eyelid
(unnoticed)

My neck was craned at a weird angle
Spine contorted into some wedge of citrus fruit that makes my lips pucker up
You've got your face on me
When I straighten my neck and look up
All I see are stars and my feet

Almost too suddenly,
My eyes close as my mouth opens
And if I were watching,
I'd see those feet hinged on legs like bamboo
Creaking stretch up to squeeze those stars
Between my curling toes

[gothicusmaximus]

I don't know why you seemed to think this was bad, I think it's among the better pieces you've written. "I could have taught you to dance" and "Procrastinator" are amateurish compared to this, in my opinion anyway.
The distinguishing factor is that this poem is a visual entity to the same extent that it is a literary one. Your ability to craft provocative, compelling images is one of your strengths as a poet, yet perhaps your greatest weakness is a tendency to tell rather than show. Note that phrases such as "you see" or "the fact is", qualifiers you've used as crutches in the past, are absent from this piece, as a result of the manner in which you're allowing the audience to share in your experience rather than just conveying it to us.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I don't know why you seemed to think this was bad, I think it's among the better pieces you've written. "I could have taught you to dance" and "Procrastinator" are amateurish compared to this, in my opinion anyway.
The distinguishing factor is that this poem is a visual entity to the same extent that it is a literary one. Your ability to craft provocative, compelling images is one of your strengths as a poet, yet perhaps your greatest weakness is a tendency to tell rather than show. Note that phrases such as "you see" or "the fact is", qualifiers you've used as crutches in the past, are absent from this piece, as a result of the manner in which you're allowing the audience to share in your experience rather than just conveying it to us.

I understand why you'd think phrases like that are crutches, but I use them because I write as if I'm speaking.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I understand why you'd think phrases like that are crutches, but I use them because I write as if I'm speaking.

Yes. The impression that a poem is being told to us in conversation rather than actively experienced is exactly what I'm saying weakens some of your work. Of course, you are welcome to disagree.

[thekorupt]

I think whether they (as in "you see") add or detract is directly relative to the poem.

Personally, I liked "I Could Have Taught You To Dance" better than this one. There was a personal note to it... While I don't know the back story, I could feel the bitterness in it. The use of "you see" and such phrases created a sense of quiet resolve and tone to your writing. It worked in that instance. I haven't read alot of your work, so I wouldn't know if its over used as a "crutch" as gothicus said.

By the way.. I know I didn't comment on it, but I really liked "I could have taught you to dance".

As for this one, I am not in love with it, but its not bad by any means. If I were you, I would fix some of the tense issues. You go from "my neck was.." which is past tense, to "your face is.." which is present tense. Basically, decide whether it happened, or is happening. Personally, I would fix it so that it is a present tense. It gives it a more active voice and is more engaging that way.

Just my 2 cents.

[JCC]

This was my favourite of yours in a long while. I agree with Gothicus in that it has a distinctly different style, it still keeps a character that's consistent within your poetry but it's a departure, which is what you needed right now because it was all becoming a bit blaisé. Yeah, this is one of my favourites.

[Disaffected Shoelaces]

I really like this. It's romantic but not nauseating.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

At first I thought you were going to use this poem as a way of mocking me, well you still could, but I'm going to believe that you're better than that.

A beetle crawling on my eyelid
(unnoticed)

I love this because (1) the use of brackets, I love well placed brackets in poems and (2) the beetle on your eyelid is absurd and when you mention as omnipotent narrator (changing from the person and denoted by the brackets) that it is unnoticed i think it shines light on the mental state you're in, which I feel is some kind of dreamy haze.

Spine contorted into some wedge of citrus fruit that makes my lips pucker up

This line is my absolute favourite in the entire poem,the way it flows into one point from another, is a sign of masterful use of the english language. I cannot comprehend how you come up with such imagery, it just astounds me.

And as others have said, it is nice to see you break from the rut of monotony that you seemed to be in

[Underwater Ophelia]

Hmm.
I used to write like this all the time.
I got away from it recently, and I don't know why. I like the poetry I've been writing lately.


I am glad, though, that you guys enjoy it.

[Despanan]

You're fucking around with the tense of the poem. The first stanza seems to be taking place in the present, then the second stanza switches to past tense, and then halfway through it goes back to present. It's a little confusing and I don't see any artistic reason to screw around with the flow of time in this context.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I had noticed that, too.
Maybe I'll fix it.

[JCC]

I don't think it does mess around with tense. If you rearranged it;

My neck was craned at a weird angle
To turn my head slightly
Would be to tickle it with wet grass
A beetle crawling on my eyelid
(unnoticed)

Then the narrative becomes that dear Ophie had her neck at a weird angle, and had she moved her head, it would be tickled by wet grass. While this was happening, a beetle crawled on her eyelid, unnoticed.

Makes sense. The first stanza could be past or present.

[Despanan]

perhaps, but I doubt that was Ophilia's intention. Besides there's absolutely no reason to switch from past to present in this poem, and thus all it's going to do is confuse the reader and weaken the work.

Anyway, it's a simple thing to fix, so why the heck are you trying to justify it? Using the wrong tense isn't a sign of being a poor poet, it's just an editing mistake.

[dre bin laden]

And if I were watching,
I'd see those feet hinged on legs like bamboo

i love the out-of-body thing and the bamboo imagery.

Creaking stretch up to squeeze those stars
Between my curling toes

gave me goosebumps. "curling toes" is very sexual and balanced wonderfully by the "squeeze those stars" imagery.

this is my favorite of yours.