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Old 12-13-2010, 07:55 AM   #76
Apathy's_Child
 
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Okay - LOL - but storyline's already planned out. I won't say too much, except that there will be at least three epic showdowns before the whole thing is resolved. The question you should be asking isn't who WILL be in it - it's who's ALREADY in it? Who is the wild man haunting the roof of headquarters, and what is he/she doing there? This besides the fact that there are several others who have yet to appear. Man I rule at story structure.

Also, I've now decided which 3 of the current gang are going to die. Sorry, guys. I can't promise it'll be quick, but I can promise it'll be awesome.
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Old 12-13-2010, 08:37 AM   #77
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This is going to make the most awesome vacation reading ever! I'll be lounging poolside on a cruise boat in the Bahamas, pissing myself from laughing so hard at the simultaneous brilliance and comedy of this piece! In the back of my mind I'll be hoping I'm worthy enough to be in this too, but quite possibly so drunk that I won't mind if I'm not =)

Copy and pasting this into a text document and going to transfer it over to my laptop by Friday night.

Keep this good (understatement of the year) stuff coming, AC!
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Old 12-13-2010, 12:36 PM   #78
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This shit is awesome, it certainly made my work day go by a little faster.
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Old 12-13-2010, 03:34 PM   #79
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SHOT PANS OVER THE WRECKED SKYLINE AND CRUMBLING BUILDINGS SILHOUETTED AGAINST THE SUNSET, BEFORE COMING TO REST ON THE MOSTLY-INTACT STRUCTURE OF A TOWER BLOCK BUILDING. SHOT MOVES OUT TO INCLUDE THE BAND OF SURVIVORS OUTSIDE THE FENCE SOME 200 YARDS AWAY, MOVING TOWARDS THE BROKEN GATE, ON WHICH A SCORCHED SIGN IS HANGING AT AN ODD ANGLE. AS THEY DRAW CLOSER, THE WORDS “GNET HEADQUARTERS” CAN BE SEEN ON IT. THE SURVIVORS ARE NOW BRANDISHING AN ASSORTMENT OF WEAPONS – MOSTLY KITCHENWARE – SOME WITH THE SUPERMARKET PRICE TAGS STILL ON THEM. DESPANAN AND KONTAN ARE INEXPLICABLY WEARING NOVELTY CHRISTMAS HATS, DESPANAN A SANTA CAP AND KONTAN A PAIR OF REINDEER ANTLERS. BOTH LOOK RETARDED AND KEEPING POINTING AT EACH OTHER WITH SHIT-EATING GRINS AND HUMMING “EYE OF THE TIGER”, EARNING THEM THE ODD GLARE FROM THE OTHERS TO SHUSH THEM, AS THE SHOT FOLLOWS THE GROUP DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE SIGN. EVENTUALLY SAYA BITCH-SLAPS KONTAN UPSIDE THE HEAD AS HE REACHES THE CHORUS.

Saya: [hissing] Would you STOP THAT?!

Kontan: OW! [turns indignantly and head-butts her hard in the face, breaking her nose. A glorious fountain of blood sprays out.]

Despanan: [pumping a fist excitedly] YEAH!! Kick her in the cunt ‘til her lungs fall outa her mouth, K!

[Apathy moves between them quickly]

Apathy: Quit it, you two!

Saya: [scrabbling to get at Kontan through Apathy’s imposing physique] I’ll bite your dick off, chew it up and feed it to you through a straw, WANK-STAIN!!

Kontan: [also pushing uselessly] I’ll rip your head off and r.ape you to death with it, CUNT-SCAB!!

Apathy: [shoving them apart hard] KNOCK IT OFF! You two have kept up a steady, relentless stream of bickering from the warehouse, to the supermarket, and all the way through the streets of New Jersey, and the rest of us are SICK of it!

Kontan: [angrily] Well SHE – [pauses] We’re in New Jersey?

Apathy: Yeah.

Kontan: Oh. [beat] That sucks.

Apathy: [glaring at him] LOOK. Either get it over with and fuck already, or just stay the hell away from each other.

Kontan: She fucking HIT me!

Saya: He broke my fucking NOSE!!

Kontan: Yeah, because you hit me!

Saya: Yeah, because you’re gonna give away our position with your
goddamn heinous singing!

Despanan: [brandishing a long bread-knife] So? We got weapons now! Any undead attack us, we’ll open up a can of whoop-ass on their... asses. [blinks in confusion]

Kontan: [to Desp] Too many asses.

Despanan: [dropping chin despondently] I fucked it up.

Kontan: [squeezing his shoulder sympathetically] It happens, man. They can’t all be zingers.

Jack: I gotta be honest, guys. The singing... and the – [gestures at their hats]

Despanan: Look, the point still stands. We’re armed now. And we should probably break these babies in [waves weapon] before we hit headquarters ANYWAY. We don’t know WHAT we’re gonna find up there. A little practice out in the open can’t hurt. If Kontan and I SHOULD attract a couple of flesh-eating dickwads with our awesome hats [pauses to bro-pound with K] and rockin’ rendition of a modern classic, it’d probably be a GOOD thing.

Jack: Sure. I get that. I’m on board with popping our cherries with the undead and all. It’s just... Eye of the Tiger... it’s REALLY annoying. Can’t you, I dunno, just yell, “Heeeere zombies”, real loud or something instead?

KONTAN AND DESPANAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHRUG LIKE “WHATEVER” AND OPEN THEIR MOUTHS. APATHY CUTS THEM OFF ANGRILY.

Apathy: If you do I will fucking stomp on your colons! We need to get inside NOW – there may be survivors in there! We do not have time to fuck around in the streets looking for trouble that might stop us getting there in time to save more lives!

Sternn: [cuffing Despanan’s hat off with a growl] Tek it off, sure. Ye look a roight feckin’ nancy.

Apathy: He’s right guys. [pauses solemnly] You DO look like a couple of dipshits.

Kontan: [to Apathy] North Jersey or South Jersey?

Apathy: [impatiently] What the hell difference does it make?!

Kontan: It makes ALL the difference. I’ve driven through Philly before. That shit is nasty. [shakes head, awed at the memory of just how loathsome most of Philly is]

Apathy: All right, if it’ll shut you the hell up, we’re in North Jersey. Happy?

Kontan: Fine. [muttering under breath] Just don’t see why we couldn’t be in New York, is all. [hastily, under Apathy’s devastating glare] But hey, whatever, man. North Jersey is fine. I’m cool.

Apathy: [pausing for a brief facepalm at how stupid everyone in the world is compared to him, then collecting himself and looking around commandingly at their dumb fucking faces slavering up at him, like the world’s ugliest litter of St. Bernhard puppies] Okay. Now listen up. We’re about fifty yards from the entrance to the grounds. The building is going to be CRAWLING with undead. BUT, don’t forget that there may also be survivors in there. So for fuck’s sake, LOOK before you swing. [pause] If you look, and it’s like, you know, Signe, or Unimatrix... well, look. I’m not telling you to commit MURDER or anything. I’m just saying, accidents happen, and all kinds of regrettable shit can go down in a war-zone. Nobody’s going to judge. [pause again as they all finger their blades gleefully] But for the most part, we’re obviously looking to avoid civilian casualties. So just make sure you know what’s up before you try like a Viking charge or anything. [looks around at them] Any other questions?

Saya: [has been staring at him adoringly as he reels out instructions with his trademark charisma] Nope. It’s all crystal clear. You explained it all so well, it made me want to fellate you. And I ALREADY wanted to fellate you before, so now, it’s like a physical craving. My mouth feels like an empty void, waiting to be filled with your heavenly man-juice.

Jack: Actually... mine too. [blinks, baffled; Apathy pulls out the hip flask, takes a pull and then tosses it]

Apathy: Nah, man. I thought I was craving my OWN jizz for a second there, but then I realized it’s ‘cause it’s been like a half hour since we took a drink. We’re just confusing our divine ambrosias.

Jack: Ohhhh. [unscrews the flask and drinks then passes it back, wiping his mouth] Good. I am WAY to drunk to think about radically adjusting my lifestyle choices right now.

Apathy: Welp, all we need to concentrate on at this time is getting the survivors out and fucking with some undead shit. C’mon. Everybody stay close. [shot moves out to show them passing through the gate, past the scorched sign and sea of limbs. Cut to black]
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Old 12-14-2010, 12:02 PM   #80
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LoL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This and G.net Buddahkai has me in stitches.
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Old 12-14-2010, 01:45 PM   #81
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Having Jack ask for your heavenly man juice, and then tossing him the flask is probably one of the best jokes I've read so far.

Love the way you've captured Kontan and my antics.
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Old 12-14-2010, 03:32 PM   #82
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Quote:
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LoL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This and G.net Buddahkai has me in stitches.
Yeah, that shit needs to be updated like NOW.
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Old 12-14-2010, 05:29 PM   #83
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Yeah, we should get on Goku about that.

Does anyone speak 14 year old?
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Old 12-14-2010, 06:56 PM   #84
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God damn if I know. Fuck, if he knew how to spell and use proper grammar, that kid would have a fucking future.
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Old 12-16-2010, 07:28 PM   #85
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I'm fairly certain he does. I'd be really surprised if he was actually an idiot.
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Old 12-17-2010, 07:30 AM   #86
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I really think he's just some weird 14 year old kid.
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Old 12-17-2010, 07:40 AM   #87
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I think he's someone who posts under another username. For a while I thought he was duckman.
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:37 AM   #88
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The only other person I could think of is Albert Monde.
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:55 AM   #89
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Who the hell is albert monde anyways. I saw his profile under the name "albert monde" on the gnet fbook group, and was like...this fucker is kinda scary.
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:56 AM   #90
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Oh and Apathy chop chop.
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Old 12-17-2010, 08:58 AM   #91
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Who the hell is albert monde anyways. I saw his profile under the name "albert monde" on the gnet fbook group, and was like...this fucker is kinda scary.
Albert was awesome! You take that back!
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Old 12-17-2010, 09:01 AM   #92
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I don't know who albert monde is!
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Old 12-17-2010, 09:03 AM   #93
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Before your time, sadly he got banned and while he probably has been around in troll form, he hasn't been back as himself.

So I guess he's one of the zombies we're fighting.
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Old 12-17-2010, 02:21 PM   #94
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Indeed, I'm waiting for Unimatrix to make her appearance. If Helpmann and his crew appear that would be even more brilliant. I'm also looking forward to finding out who was epically foreshadowed as being seen by Jack.

Albert now only exists in his facebook form, or so I believe. I thought goku would be Latisha or that skaterfan kid.
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Old 12-19-2010, 03:02 AM   #95
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I seriously doubt it's mond. This is not ducky's traditional style. It's not Lakita either, I think. I don't think he's some 14 year old though. I the Buddhakai or whatever he did spell some things correctly and there were reoccurring patterns of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, so I doubt he is just a 14 year old kid.
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Old 12-19-2010, 07:23 AM   #96
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I could see how some people would think Goku was Duckman. I thought it was Albert Monde. Maybe Goku's just a troll someone we don't know.
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Old 12-19-2010, 02:42 PM   #97
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I find it impossible to believe that nobody posting in this thread knows who Goku is.

On a more serious note: this story needs to be updated, like right now.
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Old 12-19-2010, 06:28 PM   #98
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you can't rush him. Bad things will happen. As for Goku, i think he is an idiot, at the very least an idiot pretending to be more of an idiot.
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Old 12-19-2010, 07:05 PM   #99
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I'm willing to bet Goku really is just a weird 14 year old kid.
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Old 12-19-2010, 08:03 PM   #100
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Ten bucks and a good source says he's secretly a genius.
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