Game of Thrones: The Winds of Winter – Drinking Game Edition!
I know what you’re thinking. “Gosh Halden! You’ve been writing about Game of Thrones as a job for two years and you have a large tattoo referencing the show on your leg. At this point, it’s not only a large part of your livelihood, but also your identity, isn’t it? So how are you going to celebrate the end of this major season?”
The answer is drink heavily.
Disclaimer in case the cops or my mom are reading this. I am 22 years old and I’ve suffered six full seasons of D&D’s shit so I feel like I’ve got a right. Prior to viewing the episode I developed a drinking game. If you are of legal drinking age in your area, I invite you to play along responsibly. Remember, friends: every sip of alcohol needs a sip of water and never play on an empty stomach.
Take a sip when:
Tyrion says something witty
Anyone recites house words, says “Kahleesi” or refers to the night as being “dark and full of terrors”
Cersei threatens someone with FrankenClegane
Space and time bends to get a character somewhere with unlikely speed
Take a shot when:
Sansa calls someone out
Littlefinger is creepy
Kit Harrington hits the camera with his puppydog eyes
A Tyrell is executing a political scheme
Tyrion has a soliloquy
Jaime and Brienne eyefuck
Sam, Gilly, Grey Worm, or Meissandei are being cute, precious cinnamon rolls, too good for this world, too pure
The High Sparrow lectures at someone
Finish your drink when:
Any full frontal nudity happens
Ill-advised couples get together
Plot changes only foreshadowed in the same episode come to fruition
Targaryen dragon deus ex machina
Drink whenever a Lannister is drinking
Drink whenever D&D assassinate someone’s characterization
Ready? Let’s get lit.
Ok so this drinking game may have been a poor idea, because we hit on, like, six of my different concepts in the opening flashback alone. So I’m going to say that part doesn’t count. Because that just ain’t fair.
The church bells toll, slow and eerie, while the royal household dresses for the trial of Loras and Cersei. It’s very somber and the music is great. Lots of Lannister tension. Loras instantly admits all of his sins and I’m guessing it’s a bid to make like his sister did. He renounces any claim to the Tyrell name, furthering his line, and inheriting Highgarden. Here’s my question: how is that any dang different than when he was a Kingsguard-?
Tommen tries to go to the trial, only to be stopped by FrankenClegan. Cersei waits in the Red Keep with a drink. For those playing along at home, we’re up to a sip, a shot, a waterfall, and a hard mode drink. It’s been fifteen minutes, y’all!
Maester Pycelle is stabbed to death by a bunch of little kids. Lancel formerly-Lannister gets hamstringed by another little kid. I’m thinking that things are about to get very bloody in the sept. Cersei looks out over the city and man I need this episode’s soundtrack.
My girl Margaery feels that something is very wrong as well and encourages people to get out. The sparrows block the exits. Lancel claws his way through the catacombs beneath the sept, into a huge vat of wildfire and some candles about to burn down. It explodes through the sept, Cersei sips her wine and grins. Tommen watches from a distance in complete horror.
A septa awakes to having wine poured on her face by Cersei, who repeats the word “Confess”. Cersei is a vengeful one, but never say she doesn’t know how to get back on top of any situation. This is what you get for fucking with her, as this septa is learning all too well. The septa accepts death and even welcomes it, only to find out that Cersei is going to torture her for a long time first. She threatens her with FrankenClegane. Shame. Shame. Sip.
Tommen is silently distraught. And then he jumps out a window. What the fresh Hell?
House Frey is partying it up. Jaime plays wingman to Bron. That’s a Lannister drinking again, in case you wondered.
Cersei goes to see Tommen’s body. They can’t have a traditional funeral since she just nuked the sept. So she orders him burned and his ashes scattered where the sept used to be. Funny how these things bite us in the ass, isn’t it Cersei? She seems bizarrely cold to it all.
Sam and Gilly arrive at the Citadel for maester training. Sam is already being a cutie pie so begins my drinking again. No women or children allowed. Boo. But Sam has A Moment looking at the library, as do I, because it’s stunningly beautiful. The cutie pie waterfall may have been a mistake.
Back in Winterfell, Jon examines the former feast hall with The Red Woman and Davos. Davos #GoesAwf about what was done to Shireen, since he finally seems to have discovered what happened. Poor Davos, he loved that little girl and I’m not crying, you’re crying. Melisandre admits she was wrong. Davos wants her executed, and she says she accepts it, is ready, but it isn’t yet her time. Jon, being Jon, exiles her instead.
Sansa and Jon level. He says she won the battle for them, which is true. They discuss trusting one another and it’s so cute and sweet and pure I’m just losing it over their sibling interactions. Sansa indicates that a white raven arrived from the Citadel: winter is here.
In Dorne, in full mourning dress, Olenna Tyrell goes to meet with the Sands. Ellara offers her justice and produces Varys. Well I guess we found his mystery destination! He promises Fire and Blood – Targaryan house words, a Tyrell plotting, and character assassination because Ellara never should have killed her own family so have a few drinks.
Dany tells Daario to stay home while she goes conquering. He insists he loves her and he only wants to be with her. She tells him no and he throws a tantrum. She redubs Slaver’s Bay The Bay of Dragons and the pair say a fairly formal goodbye. Good, maybe now Dany will get with Yara.
Tyrion is witty but wise, and he tells Daenerys that she’s really going to go places. He pledges his council to Dany, and she pins a Hand badge on him. OK SO LIKE Y’ALL. You know that my fantasy football team is just coming more and more together here, right? We got Yara, Tyrion, Varys, we sorted out the problem that was what to do with Margey, like, this is really working out here for me.
Lord Frey is a creeper, creeping on a serving girl. He demands to know where his sons are. The serving girl informs him that she’s cooked them and made them into the meat pie he was just eating. She pulls off her face and BOOM it’s Arya! Drink for unlikely teleportation, but I’m so proud of her!
Big sis Sansa is under the Godswood when Littlefinger comes up. He’s instantly creepy as all get out. I wish I were surprised. He tells her that all he wants is to sit the Iron Throne with Sansa at his side. He goes in for the kiss and she’s all “Naw bruh”. He’s calling her his love now and I’m throwing up in my mouth a lil bit, it’s casual. He tries to turn her against Jon. I am so looking forward to his inevitable death.
WAY up North, Benjan says he cannot go with Meera and Bran below the Wall because of the magic built in to it. He takes his leave and wishes them luck. Nearby is a Godswood tree with bleeding eyes. Bran touches it and is back to the flashback keep with his father charging up the stairs.
As if we don’t all know EXACTLY what’s coming. Flashback Ned Stark goes the Lyanna’s bedside, where’s she’s sweaty and bleeding out. HM I WONDER WHY. She says “If father finds out he’ll kill him. You have to protect him. Promise me, Ned. Promise me.” And then Ned is handed a baby. WOW I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE. He promises.
WOW GOSH SHOCKING sudden cut from baby’s face to adult Jon Snow’s face. Is anyone surprised? Like, even one person? Anyone? Raise your hand now, don’t be shy. See, that’s what I thought.
There’s some argument over who sides with whom and what the “real” fight is about up in Winterfell. My wonderful new fave character, baby Lady Mormont, reads everybody for filth by calling out all the people who refused the Starks’ call for aid. Little ferocious peanut’s bid works and everyone throws in their hat behind Jon Snow, calling him The White Wolf, King In The North. Jon. Homie. C’mon. Name Sansa as Queen. Quit trifling. Littlefinger and Sansa share a meaningful look and she seems suddenly concerned. The theme music swells hard.
My hearts drops to the pit of my stomach as Jaime returns to King’s Landing to see smoke rising. Unlikely travel time? Unlikely travel time. I don’t know if I need another drink or some popcorn for whatever is about to go down here.
Cersei ascends to the throne and is named the unreserved Queen. No regent. No conditions. Queen. Jaime watches, as does a silent (and presumably horrified) crowd. Her costume has become completely militarized and it’s pretty cool. It’s wildly intense, and everything is shot in extreme music swells and dark colors. #Yikes.
Theon looks at the waving Greyjoy banner on a ship with a golden dragon figurehead. The ships are loaded with Unsullied and Dothraki and the sails are painted with dragons. The three dragons fly through the air overhead. There’s also some Dorne ships and suddenly Varys is also on board so more unlikely teleportation. Zoom out and the fleet is enormous. Squad goals, y’all, squad goals.
I guess this season had the battle of the basterds. Next season will be the battle of the queens. Because it sure looks like one younger and fairer than Cersei coming to take everything she holds dear. I’m so ready.
Also, miraculously sober. Shout out to my liver. Catch you next season.