Superior Advice Courtesy of Gothicus Maximus
 

After reviewing not only my contributions to g.net over the nine months that have passed since my first post to this site, but additionally every piece of wisdom I have offered to another human being in the entire course of my life, I have come to the conclusion that, of all those who count themselves as members of this online community, I am he who possesses the greatest breadth of worldly knowledge, he who is most skilled in penetrating the nebulous workings of the human mind, and therefore he who is most able to dispense useful advice to those who require it. In essence, I've "sat down and realized" that, as the superior human being that I am, I am obligated to provide my services as a counselor to those less naturally exceptional than I, and thereby better mankind as a whole. So, feel free to post your grievances in this thread, and I will offer a thorough assessment of and faultlessly effective solution to the problem at hand. Should you feel the issue is too sensitive to be posted publicly, feel free to send me a PM, and I'll post your message for you in order to ensure your anonymity.

FAQ

Q: Are you sure this isn't just a new way for you to gloat about how sexy and awesome you think you are, with Ophelia cheering you right on?

A: Of course not. G.net has given me so much (grief, high blood sugar, general disillusionment), this is just my way of giving back.


Q: Why would I post here to get your specific view on an issue, when I could just as easily create my own topic and receive the input of the entire forum?

A: Simple. Posting here officially obligates me to address your problem, whereas, were it contained within general whining post, I might deem it stupid and unworthy of my valuable time. Furthermore, posing a question to my official advice thread guarantees that, even if I don't like you, I will, in exchange for your indulgence of my ego, make an effort to be at least marginally helpful rather than feeding our mutual enmity with astoundingly clever yet impertinent witticisms. Finally, this thread, as it grows, will come serve as a compilation of all my wisdom in regard to various issues, and those who seek to study my ways will no longer need to scour the boards for clues as to how they might be more like me.

Reviews

The critics are already raving about me and my thoughts:

Why are you so much better than me? :(

Dear JCC,

This question could be read in two ways, as "On what grounds do you make the assertion that you are so much better than me" or "What factors have contributed to your becoming a such a superior man?"
If you mean to ask the former, the answer is simple to grasp- anything positive that has ever been said about you has also been said about me, more emphatically and by more people. If there is any discipline in which your skill surpasses mine, that discipline is largely esoteric, most probably meaningless, and the time you spent developing a proficiency in it is represents an utter waste thereof.
The latter question is infinitely more complex, and its answer is dependent on the cosmology to which you subscribe. If you are theist, you must conclude that God, for a reason likely incomprehensible to man, made me your superior by nature. If you are not so inclined, your Darwinian education must lead you to resolve that I am the product of exceedingly good pedigree. Whatever your thoughts, don't lose heart. In both schemae, Man is endowed with the capacity to improve himself, and thus you, through diligence and drive, can one day become as almost as great as I am.

Maximally yours,
Gothicus Maximus

When will I meet my girl of my dreams? Try that one smart ass.

If I were to somehow ascertain a time machine and make myself come from the same gene pool that made you infinitely fantastic, could I possibly be your right-hand man, as your Igor-esque figure, but basking even more in the splendiforous glory of my superior master?

Who are you talking to? Me or gothicus?

Gothicus The Magnificent.

Meh. What I figured. So where's my "superior" advice??

I think you just met her, baby.

No. Don't ever call me baby ever again.

Babe? Darling? Snuggle-munchkin? :(

Is there anything in the world that is infinite?

No JCC. No. Well, it seems my question continues to be unanswered, I am disapointed.

Dear Stormtrooper,

Hold your goddamn horses, some of us here have lives. Anyway, as for your question, not even I can divine the future. I can, however, make a forecast based on common experience and declare that, as you're presently in high school, you'll most likely be blown away by the comparatively incredible number of hot bitties with which you'll be confronted upon your graduation to an institute of higher learning. While it's theoretically possible that you could decide to pursue a degree at "Ugly Boring Girls U" and therefore fail to meet any female specimens on par with those you know now, the odds are that, among the hordes of often drunk and perpetually horny collegiates, mature enough to not totally lose their shit at the drop of a hat but naive enough to not yet know what they really want in a man, you'll find your ideal mate, or at least the closest approximation of her who will ever grace your life. Just make sure you hone your macking skills in the small pond of today before you wade into the vast ocean of tomorrow!

Godspeed,

Gothicus Maximus

Dear JCC,

Hmm, my superior mind detects a paradox in this scenario. If you return to the past and make yourself my right-hand man, you as you are now will cease to exist, and therefore never be able to effect the genetic improvement to begin with. However, if we allow for the existence of multiple universes, it could be worth a shot.

Love,
Gothicus Maximus

Dear Paigeybobert,

This isn't really a request for advice so much as the advancement of a philosophical query, but, as I'm a generous sort, I'll attempt to address your question regardless.
Is there anything in that is truly infinite? Einstein said "The universe and human stupidity", qualifying this with the proclamation that he wasn't sure about the universe. I'd like to add my genius to this reputable list.

Signed,

Gothicus Maximus

Thanks. I'm going to technical college by the way. But do not fear, I shall find my punkette/deathrock woman someday.

Sigged for lulziness.

The answer is never. Happy?

Ouch. Thanks Ophelia. Thanks a lot.

Finding the girl of your dreams would be boring. So formulaic.

Why would that even bother you?
How the fuck would I know when/if you're finding a girl? ONLY you can decide when that happens. Not only that, but didn't you give up on finding girls in favor of trying to make music?

Plus, why at 18 do you want to meet "the girl of your dreams"? Seems like such a waste of youth to settle down so early. Plus, people who go out looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend, that always irks me. As if they think that you can rush love. Pointless.

Which shows me just how much love you've experienced.

Why do that? Because it's nice to have someone to love.

*Plays Queen-Find me somebody to love in the background for Stormtrooper*

My question you never answered: Why the fuck not Chairman Mao over Stalin?

I did give it up, but only for a short while, I still focus on my music. Why does it bother me? Bacause I'm tired of being the guy that always gets left out of things. All the time. I give and give but I get nothing. I'm not going to settle down anytime JCC. Listen, I'm closing this topic, once and for all.

edit:

Thanks Corpsey!!! You rock!! :)

Dear Corpsey,

Let me tell you a story about the man called Joseph Stalin. During the Russian campaign against the Nazis in World War II, Stalin's son, who he'd allowed to be enlisted in the military, was taken as a prisoner of war. The Germans offered to release the young man in exchange for a few of their own generals, to which proposition the party chairman replied plainly: "What son?" Having no success on that front, the Nazis turned their attention to the interrogation of their captive himself. "You'd do well to cooperate," they urged him, "There's no hope in trying to be a hero. We'll soon take Moscow." At this Stalin's son threw back his head and laughed hysterically. "You're never going to take Moscow. My father has rigged every single building in that city with explosives!"
The man was a badass.

Yours,
Gothicus Maximus

What happened to Stalin's son? Did the Nazis kill him?

Hahahahaha, now that does beat anything that Mr Miaow attempted to do.

What did happen to the little tyke? Was he sent away to visit Uncle Adolf?

It's said he killed himself by running into an electric fence in a German concentration camp.

We didn't push honest.

Dear Prophecy of Doom and Corpsey,

Beneath the Shadows has it right.

Till next time,
Gothicus Maximus

Gothicus, I used to have tons of respect for you when I first arrived on these forums. You were smart, funny, and had a no-bullshit persona I found lovely. Now however, you are the most disappointing member on these boards, you seem to have reduced yourself to being a bastardized amalgamation of the duck man and uncle smoov.

Quoted for truth

Wait a minute, this isn't enthusiastic praise. These are negative comments, attacks on my character and, worse yet, my net post quality.
Needless to say, I am pretty aghast. I could never have foreseen that anyone could possibly not regard this thread to be an almost peerlessly excellent one. Remind me to never try helping gnet again if these are the thanks I can expect.

fuck you for having expectations of others.

Gothicus
Why am I so awesome?

badteccy, whilst we wait for the oracle that is gothicusmaximus to respond, allow me to interject with several reasons why you are so Gothically AWESOME! :

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...ccy-single.jpg

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...eccygay007.jpg

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...cctCloseup.jpg

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...ccySexGang.jpg

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...dteccy-raw.jpg

And my four favorite Gnet pictures of all time (although you must share the glory you are immortalized with, but what can I say? I am an incurable romantic! ) :

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...-Haunted-1.jpg

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...-Haunted-1.jpg

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...adteccy2-1.jpg

And my number one favorite, most AWESOME badteccy of ALL TIME:

http://i145.photobucket.com/albums/r...ndBadteccy.jpg

Hahaha! Thank you for that..

I wish I was as smart as Gothicus....THEN! people would love me.

Lets all give a round of applause to the guy for one of the most pretentious threads I have ever seen!

*round of applause and cheering*

You guys, it's really just a phase. He's being really funny.

I mean, if he's gone troll, at least he's a good troll.

Well, trying to, in any case.

If this is going to escalate into some sort of debate, let me bring an end to it right now. Unfortunately, doing so will require me to break character. Yes, 'character', that is to say, a fabricated persona.

Allow me to delineate for you a concept whose nuances seem to elude certain members of these boards- the concept known as humor. Human exists in any situation or notion, which, through some aberrant, absurd quality, evokes amusement. While humor can certainly arise without any premeditation on the part of those who serve as its source, many attempt to amuse others by generating this phenomenon intentionally, which act, also known as the telling of a joke, often requires its perpetrator to create fiction, to act in a way that does not accord with his general nature, to, in essence, pretend.

This post, TopHaggardDoll, is not an example of obscene arrogance or pretension. It is an example of a joke. How you could believe, for even a moment, that I rendered this post in earnest is utterly baffling to me. The fundamental premise of a 'let me, a single person, give you advice' thread, posted to a board essentially designed so that members can ask the entire forum for advice, is ludicrous, so obviously tongue-in-cheek that I have no idea how anyone raised by human parents could fail to understand my true purpose in creating it. The language in the post is so effervescently sarcastic and hyperbolic, any individual who made it in absolute sincerity would probably be confined to a mental institution for acute delusions of grandeur. Posting what you've posted here is equatable to responding to Godslayer Jillian's "Petition to Ban Godslayer Jillian" with "Hey asshole, Jillian is one of the most respected members here", or to one of the countless "watch me impersonate a dumb mallgoth" jokes with "Learn to spell and visit the music forums".

Incidentally, you yourself, in replying in this fashion, have unintentionally created humor, as this post represents a mockery of the countless "ASK ME" thread which preceded it. While you were apt to call out the creator of the satire for his haughtiness, those who honestly believed themselves interesting enough to merit a thread devoted to their answering the questions of other members somehow avoided your keen critical eye.

Wrong, Kontan. This isn't a 'phase'. This isn't even really a change in my demeanor. I've made jokes of this nature since the day I first posted to gnet. What happened here is that I made a critically poor judgement call and authored two threads lampooning my own egoism within days of one another, failing to realize that might confuse some people who neglected to note the number of entirely normal contributions I made in the admittedly short interim period, or who possess an inflated, idealized conception of me and my role on these boards. Speaking of...

Wormboy, I'm going to tell you something that might just blow your mind, so brace yourself. I'm not Spongebob fucking Squarepants. I'm a college student posting on an internet forum for goths. It's not my obligation to ensure that everything I say is paramountly amusing to you, because I'm not here to make you happy, I'm here to stave off my own boredom. If I tell a joke you don't like, I haven't 'failed' you. I've just told a bad joke- shocking, I know, as that's never happened before. In this post you come off like the deranged fanboy of some unfortunate band, bashing a new album before it's even released because the lead singer let slip some arbitrary comment about a 'pop influence', extolling the virtues of the group's sacrosanct 'older stuff'-- except you're worse, because I'm not a good band, I'm, once again, a college student posting to a message board for goths. If you don't like what I say, I don't care.

Anyway, sit tight, true believers.
Badteccy, your question is indeed unique, complex, and provocative. I will require some more time to mull over it, but a proper response will grace you before the day is through. Until then, excelsior!

Ah shit! It was a joke! My God....I feel STUPID! now.

I'm gunna go and boil my face!!!

... People are morons.

Dear badteccy,

Indeed, your being awesome is quite the enigma, this evident truth brazenly defying the paradigm to which reality generally adheres. You are not me, and yet, rather than being as are most people who aren't me, you are quite ill sweet in your own right. The only logical conclusion is that you, along with anyone else besides me who demonstrates a glimmer of awesome, are my distant relative.

Welcome to the family,

Gothicus Maximus

The thread is but two pages long, and already JCC has come to realize a fundamental truth of which most remain ignorant for the majority of their lives. If I weren't a jaded badass whom nothing surprises, I'd surprise even myself.

Why does a thread always have to be about someone? The impression that I get from Gothicus is that he doesn't care enough about any of us enough to invest such time in us.

I really feel this is an attempt to start a fight.

Noir, I'm being serious here. Please stop. I talk to Gothicus all the time on AIM, and naturally, we talk about g.net. He doesn't really give a rat's ass about you either way. He would not go out of his way to create a thread simply to covertly insult you. Not only is that a waste of time, but it's not at all in his nature, as he would just openly insult you. You really should check yourself here, because you're acting incredibly self-centered.

Not only that, but just out of curiosity...if you don't want to start fights, why would you even care to look at a thread that's not only started by Gothicus, but is clearly from the title just him being a silly prick? It really seems like you want someone to fight with, otherwise you would have just sighed and moved on.

Please understand, I'm honestly just trying to help you, because I really feel you may have embarrassed yourself a little with this one, and while I'm not crazy about you to begin with, I don't want you to let silliness on the internet cause you to compromise your dignity.

It was only a question; and this is a thread meant for questions, right? I only asked because there are several covert references to me in both the main post, and some of the ones afterward, that suggests this was thread may be satire. That's all; I wasn't trying to stir things up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia I really feel this is an attempt to start a fight. Noir, I'm being serious here. Please stop. I talk to Gothicus all the time on AIM, and naturally, we talk about g.net. He doesn't really give a rat's ass about you either way. He would not go out of his way to create a thread simply to covertly insult you. Not only is that a waste of time, but it's not at all in his nature, as he would just openly insult you. You really should check yourself here, because you're acting incredibly self-centered. Not only that, but just out of curiosity...if you don't want to start fights, why would you even care to look at a thread that's not only started by Gothicus, but is clearly from the title just him being a silly prick? It really seems like you want someone to fight with, otherwise you would have just sighed and moved on. Please understand, I'm honestly just trying to help you, because I really feel you may have embarrassed yourself a little with this one, and while I'm not crazy about you to begin with, I don't want you to let silliness on the internet cause you to compromise your dignity.

See above what I said. If he wants to rip on me, let him and whoever else at it.

And, Ophelia, don't make me laugh. You're not looking to help me, so spare me the bullshit.

As an impartial third party, I'm just going to throw my two cents in; wether you're aware of it or not Noir, you definitely come across as looking for a fight. Yes Gothicus can be a prick, but be the bigger person and let it go.