How do you get over the one you love?
 

I just had my heart crushed. There was a trully beautiful women whom I love, we got along together very good. We liked the same things and we helped each other with our own pains and problems. I can't stop thinking about this woman, I want to make her happy and feel appricated. When she was away, I missed her badly, I miss her right now. I care about her, and will allways have a special place in my heart for her. She told me that she didn't love me and never ever will. With these words, she hollowed me out inside. I am destroyed, inside and out. Now,I don't really care all that much about anything anymore. I am numb to the world except my pain.
The pain I am feeling is not going away. I can't stop crying. This time, I don't know if I can pick myself up from this downfall. I refuse to name this woman, out of the deep love and respect I still have for her. Nomatter how she hurts me, I will not turn my back on her.
I just wanted us to be together and have a future of happiness and
satisfaction.

I just need a little advice, on how to move forward. But I think I will never ever get over my love for her.

She is my one, only, and last love.

No she isn't.
You're creepy.

Uh, it's not the end of the world. Find someone new.

You don't know me, have never talked to me. You have no idea that I am a real nice and sweet guy.

First of all, I'm going to tell you that sucks. No getting around it and I'm sure that you feel that way. Second, I'm pretty sure that with the passing of time it will get easier. Nothing is 100% but I'm sure the pain will lessen or you will be able to bear it more. Thirdly, in the future you might very well find someone else. I'm not saying right now because I don't think that will be right or fair to either you or the person you would be in the relationship with. Lastly, just take it day by day. Figure out what relationship you can stand to have with the person. If you can be best friend then do that, if you can't be that close with the intense pain, then form a different relationship that's maybe not as close.

I think you just need to find something to do. You just need to move on. Look on the bright side, it probably won't be your last love. You'll get over it in time.

Don't be the guy I used to be, get over it, and live in the present.

Your first "true love" is the hardest to get over.. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if we're only head-over-heels for someone out of fear (or just the general mindset) that we could never fall in love again.

Anyway, I've gotta say it- learn to get along without her. It sucks, it's gonna suck, but you just have to deal with it. If you can't get along well by yourself (and this WILL show through in your personality and general body language), who else is going to want to date you? I'm not saying go out and find another chick right away, no, but there will be another. There always is. Hang in there, stop feeling sorry for yourself, and forget her. I may sound like a bitch here, but just saying it like it is.

This should be in whining not general but since I'm nice I'll still throw in my $.02.

She isn't your one and only but I don't doubt that you do have serious feeling for her. It sucks that she doesn't feel the same but there isn't anything that you can do to change that, the two of you simply are not right for each other.

Have a good cry, write some poetry, and if you can then talk it out with a good friend. Don't jump into another relationship or try to just busy yourself so that you don't think about her, you should think about her, you need to process what you are going through. A person's first serious breakup isn't really something that you just get over, your feelings for her wont simply go away, you just need to accept it as a part of your life and move forward.

There is still a place in my heart for my first real love and every now and then I think about her but things didn't work out for a reason and I am now in a relationship that is much deeper and more meaningful than my relationship with her ever was.

Go ahead and hurt. You'll just drag things out and tie yourself in knots if you try to push it away. Stay in bed crying for a week if that's what it takes. Then go to the beach, listen to the waves, feel the wind on your face, and get it in perspective.

There're many fish in the sea. Get out there and stop bashing yourself.

Thanks everyone. But I still feel like hell. I still love her.
Other women don't attract me anymore. All I want is her.
I want her to be happy, I wanted us to be together, but if she nneds me to be a friend for now, I will be there. I will never cast her off.

You want the honest truth on this one?
Back off for a while. Sticking too close, or worse, telling her that you'll never give up on her, is not going to help. You'll create a chasm between the two of you that every time you try to reach across it she'll tear it wider, and it will destroy any hope of you even being friends. At least for a few years.
Trust me on that one. Done it before.

It's going to take you a fair few months (at least) to start moving on, but it DOES happen. You will never forget her, but you will feel attracted to others, and be able to fall in love again.
(Again, trust me, I'm there right now)


There is no easy way for you to get over this - your coming months are not going to be barrel of laughs I'm afraid. But you can lessen the total damage. By not pushing her to change her mind - she won't. She can't help that she doesn't feel the same, and if you're friends, she probably feels like shit that she's hurting you, even though it's not
her fault, but that WILL NOT make her change her mind.

Personally I found the only way to move on was to completely jump off the rails, and immersed myself in a lot of shit that I probably shouldn't have, but when I picked myself up a few months later, it all seemed less viciously close and painful.

My best friend, in your situation, said pretty much exactly the same as you're saying now. Right down to using a few of the same phrases.
He got through it by distancing himself from his unrequited love for a couple of months, and that worked for him.

To be honest, it's up to you. And you have to WANT to move on, and realise that there really isn't much hope you being together to make it work.

This borders on obsession, and isn't exactly healthy emotionally. Yeah, it sucks that she doesn't want to be with you right now, but you have to be considerate and give her the space she needs, if you actually care about her.

Remember, she's a person who deserves respect, and not an object that you should possess.

Copied from an excellent internet resource (full credit to Lushka16 of somethingawful:

Rule 1: The relationship is over.

Get ready to go through the 5 stages of loss:
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Despair
Acceptance

It might not happen in that order, it might not involve all the stages. Chances are you'll experience at least 3 of them, the most popular being bargaining, anger and despair.

Denial - Try your best to avoid it. Denial doesn't help resolve anything, makes the whole process very difficult. Remember rule 1.

Bargaining - Might as well give it a shot. There might be some things that you can reasonably change in the relationship. Give it up after a good shot at it. If it's over, it's over.

Anger - Yup, you're pissed. Get over it.

Despair - This is where the crying begins. Now is the time to NOT be pathetic. There's nothing wrong with crying, but don't make her feel bad for you or pity you. She'll only be pissed. There is little sympathy when it comes to being dumped, so don't play that card. More on this in the post-dump section.

Acceptance - Time to let go, man. Rule 1.

Here's a quick scenario as to how the whole thing might look:

Girl: Things aren't working out.
Boy: Are you sure? I thought things were fine.
Girl: No.
Boy: Well, is there anything we can do to make things better?
Girl: I just don't want to be in a relationship anymore.
Boy: But you were the one who wanted to be in one in the first place! Who put you up to this? Is there another guy? I'll fucking kill him.
Girl: [insert despair]
Boy: [insert despair]
Boy: Well, if this is what you want, and if this feels right, and there's nothing I can do or say to change it, then we might as well let it happen.

See? That wasn't so bad. This is a really good time for some Q and A, especially since you'll want to know some of the answers in the post-dump phase. Here is a short list of questions you should ask now, while you're still communicating:

Is there anything I can do to make this relationship work?
Is there anything I could have done to make things better?
What made you decide to do this?
Is there someone else involved?
Is there anything I can do to avoid pissing off future girlfriends?
When did things start to suck? What caused it?

This is a very short list, and you should tailor it to your needs in the premonition phase. If you can get all your important questions answered, it will make life easier in the next phase. Also, be sure to indicate that you don't want to see/talk to her for a while. This is KEY. More on this in the next section.

Post-Dump

Nearly a decade has taught me one important thing: This is a very long phase. You need to accept this.

Ok, you just got dumped. Let the emotion out the best way you know. Cry if you have to, beat the shit out of something, go for a run, post an E/N thread (maybe go for a run first). Be a man, and find someone to give you a hug. Talk it through with your close friends (not hers). Set some kind of time limit. Say to yourself, "I'm going to be a pile of emotional shit for the next hour, then I'm going to start picking myself up." Stick to it, if you're a sulking mess for too long no one is going to want to hear about it.

Inform your friends. People ought to know to be careful around you. If they care about you, they'll help you cope. Put away blatant reminders of her - her pictures, her underwear, her lifesize blowup doll etc.

Go out, live life normally, DO NOT DO ANYTHING RASH. Joining the Army doesn't help, running away doesn't help, you won't get her back if you get into a car accident/attempt suicide, you certainly won't get her back if you vandalize her property. Don't fuck her sister/friends, don't go beating up some kid who you think might be her new boyfriend. Use Rule 1 folks, it really puts things into perspective.

Just go on with your life. That's the only thing you can do to really take it like a champ. There's a huge list if things you shouldn't do, because they're very annoying, and you'll feel stupid about it later.

Spend lots and lots of time away from her. This is actually a strange situation. Say you spend 4 months away from her and are feeling great. The next time you see her, it'll take you back about 2 months. Then you'll recover, and the next time you see her it'll take you back 1 month. Then 2 weeks. Then 1 week. See what I'm getting at? Recovery is a long process, and there will be setbacks. Don't think it'll be peaches and cream the first time you see her with another guy. Try to avoid her socially until you're certain things are ok. This may take months or years. Rarely weeks. This is why avoidance is key. You don't need to go out of your way to avoid her, just let her know that for a while, you don't want to see her.

Don't play the pity card. Yes, you're upset and hurt and heartbroken. Tell it to your friends, not to her or her friends. Avoid putting up depressing away messages, profiles, blogs, or anything of the like. Understandably, you want her to know how much she hurt you. It does you little good to do that, remember rule 1? Don't go to the same party as her and sit in the corner looking all depressed. She's not going to want you back, you pansy.

Don't go visit her. First of all, it will hurt like a mofo. Secondly, girls are evil and will do shitty things like hug you, cuddle with you, tell you how much they miss you, or hit you with pepper spray. Rule 1 - it still applies. She doesn't want to be with you, just wants to make herself feel a little better. If she wants to come back to you, she'll call you up and say so. Being around her is most likely going to annoy her and make you feel really shitty. Girls have also been known to employ the use of a guy named Todd, who is only there to make you turn emo.

Don't start looking for answers. If you're smart, you already asked them when you two were breaking up. Don't call/IM/email/fox her friends. Yes, they're close to her and they know what's going on. Chances are, they won't tell you what you need to know. They're her friends first, yours second. I'm letting you know now - if you do take this path, you will find out nothing of any use. Do you really want to know if she's seeing someone else? Do you really want to know if she is in bed crying because she misses you? Back to Rule 1. She's going through her own healing process, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Let it go, man. Her friends will report their findings to her, and she'll hate you for snooping.

On a similar note - DON'T FUCKING STALK HER.

The above is the basic foundation for taking a dumping like a champ. There are many little nuances that I can't remember and didn't cover, so be prepared for anything. Of course, I welcome and urge the advice and experience of other goons. The only thing I can guarantee is that life will get better and you'll move on.

For what it's worth, I got dumped and quite heartbroken today, but I'm doing all right, thanks for asking.


It's almost certain that anyone who has read this and is going to get dumped for their first time will not follow my advice.

easy songs for easy people

Dude... you got played. Don't EVER yield your heart like that to someone. You protect that shit, it's sacred. Next time you fall in love and trust me, you will and you'll be the first to fall, because you are just like that, don't you dare let yourself fall like that again until you know for fucking certain that those feelings will be reciprocated. They come forward first or at least show they're ready to meet you half way first.

If they don't, then don't go giving your heart to people who don't want or need it.

Now, seriously, what might do you some good is to go find a mutual fuck buddy. Seriously.

Also... it's been said before but let me reiterate: From now on, she does not exist to you. Take everything that was ever associated with her and dump/sell it. Get rid of all of it. From now on, remember her as an affliction that you're better off without. Remember, you wasted your time and effort on her. Don't make the same mistake again.

An hero.
blacktext

your 23, got out with some friends, get trashed, hit on any chic you see.

sometimes it works well. then again maybe not, thats how I ended up with an ex-fiance but hey, gotta work sometime.

Do what I used to do in this kind of situation.

Write a song about it.

Thanks for the advice everyone! But I am happy to say that this person and I share a strong and unique friendship. I won't toss this person away just because she doesn't love me back. I thought about my actions, and I realize that I was out of line. I am just greatfull that she and I are good friends now. She is a beautiful and clever person. She surprises me everyday!

I think the point folks are making is that, while you may still be friends with her, that it may be a good idea to look other places for romance.

Also, if you feel really strongly for her, but she doesn't reciprocate, then perhaps some distance would be able to help you get past this crush that you have on her.

I'd say listen to some music and just relax man.

What SOD said, besides being single isn't so bad.

Really? how do I do it?

Art is the answer to pain - it gives you something to concentrate on, and gives you an outlet. Listen to music, watch comedy, get lost in a big novel with a good story. Write lots of shit - whether it's poetry, stories, or just rambling journal type crap. Sketch, draw comics, have fun with it. Drinking helps - it doesn't have to be a crutch, it can just feel good and help you get really fucking into music.

I hope you feel better soon, dude. Whether it's the love of your life or just infatuation gone bad, it sucks feeling alone, but you'll be okay. Time goes by and things get better.

word on that. is she why you moved/wanna move to Toronto? i hear it's usually an awful idea to move for someone (isn't there a thread somewhere about that?)

Indeed, art is how I've been dealing with pain for years.

2 or 3 years after my little episode i'm good friends with the guy - and he turned out to be a boozing indie kid.

in the end, all shit will shine.

*ugh, i really should read it all in one go*

i found that art is a terrible outlet for me (said the art major)
What's needed is some good angry metal (great for any occasion acutally)

children of bodom (no, they do not suck) or Arsis go pretty well.

and the ultimate, graveworm's 'suicide code'

Listen to Oingo Boingo songs and drink your way through the crisis.

She is going back home today to Europe. I am going to miss her very much and she will miss me too. I am worried for her safety.
But, she IS a strong and independant woman.
I hope she will accept the cash I send her, just incase she has trouble "making ends meet". She won't have a computer where she will be living! I am pissed that I have a bunch of extras, and shipping to Europe is so expensive, I can't give her one.

Wherever in Europe it is, there will always be internet cafes. dirt cheap too.

um...why are you sending her money?

yea good point. even if she was the nicest, most trusted person ever, not a great idea.
as one example, when you give people money, even if you don't mention it it's usually implied or assumed you want/will want something in return...whatever that may be. and no matter how 'honourable' your intentions may or may not be, it still has that whole thing attached to the act of giving someone cash.

i would not be taking cash from guys, even my friends. it's just a don't do thing. plus if she's nice enough she'll probably feel bad for crushing you then taking your money.

I didn't read the whole comment, I am too tired tonight. I will just say why I'd like to send her atleast a little cash. I can't stand the idea of me sitting here with a cupboard full of tasty food, when she might be low on the basics over where she is. She is close and special to me, like I am to her. She has a perminent place in my heart. It breaks my heart, the possibility of her being hungry, some week.

That is why, its as simple as that.

Sorry, my typing and spelling suck more than usual, haha! I am dead tired. I was thinking of that senario of the million monkeys typing on a million typwriters. Never mind. Going to bed very soon.

Beating an almost dead horse. Apparently horse meat is tastey. I digress
Personally, on the subject of love: a split personality of sorts. The one side love's just a chemical addiction, one that can be broken. and the other side (the warmer side compared to the cold calculating one) It's almost like giving out pieces of pie called your heart(not pussy lol), and unless you go bake another pie, or scoop out leftovers back into it, it's like it's just has a finite amount of love in your heart. You either gotta take it from somewhere else and move it around. there are little spots where leftovers never get recycled, but saran wrapped and cryogenically frozen behind the peas and carrots that I'd call my heart. My first girlfriend will always hold that special place in my heart next to the peas.

You clearly never been in love.
how can you be so cold towards someone who suffer from a broken heart.
you think it's that easy when you lost the one you love to go out there and get with someone else.
it's take time for anyone who lost their true love to heal.
you fucked up seriously.

it's the most horrible feeling to loose the one you love.
sometimes you feel that you are drifting to insanity and you think there is no way you could be happy again.
it might take time for you to heal but you got to stay strong.
don't close yourself up ,spend some time with your friend.
i speak from experience,art can do a lot to help you recover for what seem impossible right now.
try to write about it(a poem ,a song)or if you draw or paint well express your sufferance this way.
try to keep your mind occupied,it doesn't help when you are not doing much because automatically you will think about it and your head will explode.
good luck with it all.

As crazy as you put it....you hit it right on the dot.